Run, Sirius, Run
by rotterdam
Summary: Sirius runs away to escape his crual father and finds somewhere he can finally be himself. He doesn't realise that this relentless circle of drugs and alcohol can only end in ruin. Sexual situations, drugs, abuse, some slash.
1. Chapter 1

Run, Sirius, Run

Sirius ran without looking back. He could feel the tears streaming down his bruised cheeks, feel his breath catching in his chest, and feel his feet pounding on the tarmac. He ran out of Grimmuald Place and stopped, wheezing slightly. He squinted into the darkness. The lamp above his head flickered. Sirius jumped as he heard a door slam far back behind him. Taking the right, he ran, trying to leave the pain and fear behind him.

Suddenly, he saw the Thames loom up before him, and he stopped, panting beside a bridge. The traffic rumbled along above him. Sirius approached the fast flowing, murky water and leant over.

"I could always throw myself in. No one would know. No one would care-".

As soon as the thought crossed his mind he felt angry with himself. He would never sink so low... but he felt so hopeless. He collapsed to his knees in the mud and sobbed desperately into his hands.

He didn't hear the footsteps cautiously approach him, but he felt the comforting hand on his shoulder. Shocked, he looked blearily up at the stranger. It was a boy, about 16, with straggly long blonde hair, and welcoming eyes. He wore ripped jeans, and a dirty t-shirt.

"You okay mate?" he asked, worry in his voice. Sirius realised he must look a mess. The bruises hadn't faded, and the cut across his forehead was still bleeding slightly.

"Yeah", he croaked. The boy lifted a disbelieving eyebrow. He held out a hand.

"The names Will", he said in a posh voice, clearly playing on Sirius' well-spoken London accent. Sirius smiled, his first proper smile since the holidays had begun.

"Sirius", Sirius said taking the hand.

Will pulled him up and beckoned for him to follow him. Sirius felt drawn to the boy, probable because he had shown him the first kindness for a long time. Will led him under the bridge, where there were several crates unturned. Will sat on one, Sirius on another.

"So", Will said, resting his chin on his hands. " What's your story?"

Sirius had no idea what he was talking about. His story? His confusement showed on his face because Will explained, "Everyone who comes here has a story. Me? I

prefer this place to my care home. My parents died in a car crash, so...". He gave Sirius a questioning look.

"My father hates me", he blurted out. It felt easier telling this to Will, who was almost a stranger, than telling James, Remus or Peter. None of them had any idea.

"Is that the...?" Will pointed at his face. Sirius nodded, and looked down at his hands. "Do you...?"

Sirius looked up to see Will offering him a cigarette. Sirius took one and lit up. This wasn't new to him. Andie had shown him how to smoke the year before. He had never thought of doing it again. But here, now, with will, it just seemed natural. Sirius felt himself slowly calm down, as the smoke filled his lungs. He inhaled through his nose, closed his eyes, leaning back into the bricks. He murmured his thanks to Will, and took another puff.

Will studied the beautiful boy before him. He wasn't gay, but this boy made him wonder. He watched as he leant back on the wall, his blue-black hair spread out from his face. He was truly beautiful, angelic almost, his hair contrasting with his flawless pale skin. This Sirius is strange, Will thought. He looked old for his age, which he would guess to be about 15, because his eyes showed he was in pain. Will had seen it. it had stirred him, because he had seen a deep hurt in them, like a betrayal. His father must really hate him.

Sirius opened his eyes to find Will studying him. Their eyes met, and Will saw that Sirius needed a stronger medicine to make him forget. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small bag of white powder. Sirius knew what it was. Cocaine. He watched as Will took out a large pinch of the cocaine, and spread it out into a rough line on the unturned box between them. Looking up to make sure Sirius was watching, Will bent low and in one swift movement, snorted the line. He leant back too, and looked at Sirius, nodding to the bag.

"Why not?" Sirius thought. He had nothing better to do, and from the contented look on Wills face, it might help him to relax.

Sirius picked up the bag, and took out the same amount of cocaine. He spread it out in the same way as Will, and without pausing to think, snorted it too. Sirius had never felt anything so wonderful in his life. He felt like he was being taken to another place, flying in bliss. He sunk into the feeling, barely awake.

But all too soon, the feeling faded, and was replaced by the same emptiness that Sirius had felt before, but now ten times worse.

"Can I have some more of that stuff?" he asked Will.

Will saw the hungry look in Sirius eyes, and thought "why not?". You only live once, after all. Together, they finished off the bag, smoked another few cigarettes, before Will saw the hint of dawn.

"You'd better go home now," Will told Sirius. He saw Sirius' face fall. The invincibility the cocaine had given him had worn off completely, and Sirius felt slightly scared.

"Don't worry about it," Will said. "You can come here whenever you want to. Someone will always be here. Well, most of the time anyway."

With this reassurance, Sirius left. Will watched him walk away, a hungry look in his eyes. He wanted him. He knew it now.

Sirius thought about Will as he walked home. He had felt welcomed by him, and strangely important, like being able to do that with him had been special. Yes, Sirius now felt special, and that made a nice change.


	2. Chapter 2

Angry voices

Shouting

Sirius always hated shouting

Blinding pain

Blood

Black

Sirius sat huddled on the floor of his bathroom, shaking slightly. He was playing over Will's words from the previous week, "You can come here whenever you want to". Sirius wanted to walk out now. He was scared of his father, but he never let him know that. Sirius always retaliated, a habit which got him in plenty of trouble at school. He was known as a rebel without a cause, but in Sirius' mind, he wasn't doing anything wrong. He simply wanted to be free, free of the repressed childhood he had had so far. His parents always crushed any will power he had. With anger now licking his insides, he stormed out of his bedroom, straight past the open door of the drawing room, where his parents currently were, and slammed the front door.

He arrived at the bridge at about half nine. At first he thought no one was there, but as his eyes became accustomed to the darkness, he picked out the firm of a figure, small and slight, huddled against the bricks. Sirius froze, not sure whether to disturb the person. The figure stirred and raised its face. It was a girl, or young woman, with straggly blonde hair, and tears streaking her pale cheeks. She sniffed.

"Who the hell are you", she said loudly, clearly trying to sound braver than she looked.

"Sirius", Sirius replied, trying to sound nicer than he felt towards anyone right now. This girl looked like she could do with some kindness. "I'm sorry, but are you alright?"

"It's none of your goddamned business. Is it?" she snapped angrily. Sirius felt slightly taken aback. She put her head back on her knees.

Sirius wasn't sure whether to stay or go. He opted for the first, sitting on the floor next to her. He could feel her shivering through her t-shirt. It was a cold night, especially for August.

"Do you want my jumper?" Sirius offered the girl. She acted like she hadn't heard him. "Errrrr…what's your name?" he tried.

This time she looked him straight in the eye. Sirius couldn't make them out, but he guessed at hazel. "Julia", she whispered.

She didn't know why she was talking to this boy, but he looked so... so innocent. His eyes told a different story, but she didn't know that. She unapologetically studied him, her eyes travelling from his high cheekbones, to his long nose, strong jaw line, and down to his perfect body. Julia lifted one eyebrow.

Sirius felt uncomfortable under her scrutinising gaze. He hated to be treated like a piece of meat. It happened a lot at Hogwarts. He chewed his lip nervously, trying to think of something to say.

"Nice night". _Idiot_, he told himself. _Anything to say and you're commenting on the pissing weather! _Julia however snorted with laughter. They sat in silence for a while, until Sirius felt he had to do something, so he offered her a cigarette. She took it without speaking, so he took the last one too. Lighting them both up, they proceeded to sit in silence again, the monotony broken only by them breathing the smoke out into the chilly air.

"Why you here anyway? Never seen you here before", Julia said abruptly.

"Well, I've only been here once, and that was by accident. Someone called Will was here." Sirius noticed her face anger instantly, but decided not to comment. It wasn't his business. "He said I was welcomed to come back".

"Did he now?" Julia said coldly. "Sorry, I don't really like him much. He treats me like dirt".

"Why?"

"How the fuck should I know. Ask him, 'cause he's so fucking fantastic".

Sirius was taken aback by her scathing tone. "He seemed alright to me".

"You'll find out". Sirius decided to leave it. They sat in silence for a while, until Sirius thought he'd better make a move before getting locked out. Not a great idea. He got up to leave, brushing the dirt off his jeans and looked back down at Julia. "You sure that you'll be alright?"

"Yeah. I usually am." She looked down at her knees, then back up at him. "Do you think you could come back again? I mean, it was nice to have someone decent to talk to, not a load of drugged up fuckers".

Sirius was surprised because he hadn't really got the impression that she had liked him much. "Yeah, sure. If you want someone to talk to, we could go get a coffee or something tomorrow? It'll be warmer". He smiled. Julia smiled back.

"That would be nice", she whispered.

"How about I meet you in Trafalgar, by the National Gallery at noon?"

"Ok".

"Right. Bye then".

"Bye".

Sorry guys. It took a while to update, and to be honest, it was a pretty boring chapter, but it will get better!!! I hope. Thanks for my reviewers. You have made me keep going with this. 


	3. Chapter 3

Run, Sirius, Run 

His family had ignored Sirius the following morning, which he thought was a pleasant change. Breakfast was a silent affair, the only sounds in the room, being the light scraping of cutlery on the silver plates. Sirius picked at his bowl of fresh fruit and cream, busy thinking about meeting Julia later. He hated the house, the heavy weight added to his shoulders every time he entered it. So much had been expected of him from such a young age. Being the first heir to the Black family fortune (which was now estimated at around 60 million Galleons) was a horrible position to be in. Of course, he would never be able to touch the money. After all, it was only there to ensure status, general wealth and a luxurious way of living. The way he should behave had been beaten into Sirius since he was born, and he had never even thought to object until he went to Hogwarts.

_Well, I'm making up for it now_, Sirius thought with bitter humour. The large bruise on his left cheek still stood out painfully against his otherwise flawless alabaster skin, but his family pretended it wasn't there. Except Regulus, who had made a pained expression the first time he saw it, as though there was still some brotherly bond left between them. Regulus had quickly put two and two together as soon as the beatings started. He was damned shrewd sometimes, and that wasn't always a good thing. Opposite to much popular belief in school, Sirius and Regulus were very similar, in actions as well as looks. And that annoyed the hell out of Sirius.

"The Lestranges are visiting this afternoon", his mother commented briefly.

_Eurgh. I hate that twat, _thought Sirius, thinking of Rodolphus, who was in his year and he may be forced to talk to.

"Ah, mother?" he asked as politely as possible, looking up from his breakfast. She fixed him with a piercing expression, which Sirius chose to ignore. "Will I be needed?" Sirius thought it best not to mention that he had somewhere to go, or he would be summoned to the drawing room just out of spite.

"Not unless you have something valuable to say on the rising share prices in wizarding gold. Which I doubt." He added with a sneer. "Rodolphus and Rabastan will not be present anyway. No, I don't think it would be appropriate for you to attend." And that was the matter closed. There was never any argument when it came to Sirius' father, and if there was from Sirius, he generally wished he hadn't spoken the next morning. Sirius nodded and went back to his breakfast.

The Lestranges arrived, meaning that Sirius was to be nowhere in sight. That suited him fine, and he went upstairs to quickly get ready. Sirius was just slipping his leather jacket on when his brother opened the door.

"Where are you going?" He asked, leaning on the doorframe.

"Nowhere."

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Who are you meeting?"

"No one."

"You can't lie to me. You never have been able to." He pointed out, a sneer playing in the corner of his mouth.

Sirius turned to look at him. "Where I go and what I do and who I meet is none of your business." He straightened up, shrugging his shoulders slightly.

"It is if they're muggle scum."

Sirius chose to ignore him, knowing that he was only choosing those particular words in hope of starting a fight. Instead he pushed past him out the door. Regulus watched him silently as he trod quietly down the stairs and out the front door. He sighed and returned to his room.

Sirius met Julia as planned, and saw her for the first time properly, in daylight. They stood studying each other for a few moments, in which time Sirius took in her beautiful hazel eyes (he had been right after all), short, scruffy blonde hair, ripped mini dress with converses, and a large selection of bangles on her slight arm. He frowned at the dark bruises on the arm, unsuccessfully covered by the bangles. As rough as she looked, she seemed to carry the look of as effortlessly as Sirius did. He saw her eyes linger momentarily on his bruised cheek, and he felt slightly embarrassed. He didn't let it show though. He never let anything show, one of the many 'lessons' his father had taught him. _Never let your feelings show. It's a sign of true weakness. _His fathers voice rang clearly though his mind, causing him to shiver slightly. Dragging his mind back to the present, he motioned inside, and she followed him into the café. After ordering drinks, he settled back.

"How did you get those bruises?" Sirius asked, generally curious. He saw her shuffle awkwardly in her seat.

"Wow, that's a nice way to greet a stranger, isn't it!" She snapped.

_Great start Sirius. Well done, _he though, mentally kicking himself. "Sorry", he apologised quickly. "I was curious and it's one way to break the ice." Julia glared at him suspiciously and didn't answer.

"Nowhere", she finally answered, somewhat defensively. "I could say the same about you". She nodded to his cheek.

It was now Sirius' turn to shift uncomfortably. "I walked into a door," he lied quickly. It was a useful habit, which he had had to use many times when answering difficult questions from his friends about his numerous marks. Julia raised her eyebrows. Suddenly, a flash of lightning illuminated the square outside, and it began to pour with rain. Sirius was glad to be inside.

Luckily, the drinks arrived, breaking the awkward silence. Sirius spotted a band on her wrist from a Smashing Pumpkin concert, and gasped in jealousy. "You've been to a Smashing Pumpkin concert!" And that was it, the ice completely broken. For the following hours, they discussed gigs they had been to or wanted to go to, new music on the scene, fashion, and even pet hates, where Sirius found out that Julia was terrified of crows, due to a terrifying childhood experience. Sirius found himself laughing properly for he first time all holiday.

It began to grow dark, and one of the staff came over to tell them that the café was closing. They made their way out into the late evening, into the pouring rain and began walking in the direction of the river.

"You didn't really get those bruises from walking into a door, did you?" Julia asked, walking closely beside Sirius.

Sirius didn't know what to say. He could lie again or… They stopped beneath a bridge to escape the rain, now dripping down Sirius' neck. "No," he admitted, looking at his feet. Julia waited, expecting the rest of the story. Sirius shuffled nervously. "I was in a fight."

"With who," Julia asked quietly, as another flash of lightning lit up the rough shrubs at the side of the road.

There was a huge pause, as Sirius weighed up the pros and cons of telling the truth for once. _Oh, what the hell. _"With my father."

He heard Julia gasp slightly, too ashamed to look at her in the face. To his surprise, he felt her soft hand on his cheek, lifting his head up to look at her. Slowly, she closed the gap between them and kissed him lightly on the lips. Pulling away, she looked him deep in the eyes, seeing the hurt and pain there.

"It will be okay," she whispered, before Sirius pulling her mouth up to meet his, properly this time. He kissed her passionately and roughly, as though she could make all of his pain would vanish. She wrapped her arms around his slim waist, and lightly stroked his back as he tangles one hand in her hair, the other on the small of her back. The kiss deepened, tongues fighting. Julia moaned with pleasure. They stumbled as Sirius pushed her back onto the rough brick wall of the bridge. After what seemed like an eternity, they pulled apart, panting for breath. Sirius leaned his forehead against hers and closed his eyes, savouring the feeling of being wanted again.

"Sirius…" Julia whispered. He looked at her. Her lips were red and bruised, her eyes full of lust. "Meet me again. Please." She begged. Sirius smiled in agreement.

"Here. This is my phone number," she said, pulling a biro out of her pocket, and scrawling a number on his hand. Sirius grinned as she licked her lips. "What's the time, do you know?"

"About 8ish, I think."

To Sirius' surprise, Julia froze and looked at him, scared. "What! Already?!"

"Uh… yeah." Sirius was a bit surprised at her reaction. She looked terrified, glancing around.

"I really need to go. I'm so sorry for leaving you like this." She lent up and gave him a quick kiss before literally running off, into the night.

Sirius stood under the bridge, a little surprised at Julia's reaction. He began to walk slowly home, lost in thought. Remembering the kiss, he smiled to himself, receiving an odd look from an old lady hurrying by in the rain.

About and hour later, after stopping in an off-license to pick up a packet of Marlboros and catching the bus, Sirius stood on the doorstep to number 12. Bracing himself, he quietly knocked. Barely a moment passed until the door was opened by the family butler, Perkins, a tall man with a very long droopy face, as though it had been melted.

"Master Sirius," he said in a well spoken voice, not unlike Sirius', stepping aside to allow Sirius to enter out of the rain. "How nice of you to join us." He shut the door again. "Unfortunately, you have missed dinner, so I informed Kreacher to keep some back for you. I will have it delivered to you room momentarily. Would you like me to take your jacket?"

"No thank you Perkins. I'll hang it up in my room."

Perkins leant over and muttered, "By the way, your mother is in a fowl mood with you. Mrs Lestrange has just informed her that you caused a fight in Hogwarts between you and Rodolphus, and conveniently, you were nowhere to be found."

Sirius smiled grimly. "Thanks for the warning. And yes, I was involved in a fight with him, but no, I did not cause it."

Perkins smiled as Sirius trod carefully up the stairs and disappeared round the corner. Sighing, he walked briskly down the steps to the kitchen to prepare Sirius dinner. It was warming on the range, so Perkins simply moved the sautéed pork with a pear sauce to a clean silver plate, and then added a the appropriate cutlery before putting the items into a ornate tray. Perkins put a heavy silver cover over the plate, added a carefully folded napkin and proceeded to carry it upstairs. Kreacher was nowhere in sight. _Where is that infernal thing when you need it? _He thought. _I'm too old to be doing this. _He didn't mind doing it for Sirius though. _Poor boy, _he thought. _They are so hard on him, and he is only fifteen. It's no wonder he had rebelled the way he has. Brought up by the belt. It's no childhood. Poor boy. _Perkins balanced the tray on one hand, and knocked. Once receiving an answering call, he opened the door entered and laid the tray on the desk. Looking round, he saw Sirius sitting on the window seat, staring out into the rain, illuminated by the outdoor torches.

"Your dinner, Master Sirius," Perkins said.

"Thanks," Sirius replied, looking round at him. He stood up and stretched, approaching the table.

"I'll be in the kitchen if you need me," Perkins said with a kind smile, leaving Sirius to his dinner. On his way back down to the kitchen, he thought once again about the young Black. They had become quite close, almost like friends since the summer before. The friendship had started when Perkins had discovered Sirius smoking behind the tool shed at the bottom of the garden. After agreeing not to report him to his parents, a trust had built up between them, strengthened by Perkins pity on the boy. _He does need a bit of kindness in this godforsaken house. Mind you, I can hardly complain. A good salary and a comfortable bed for a squib at my age. I couldn't expect more. _He entered the empty kitchen again, ignoring the dirty plates and cutlery. That was for Kreacher to sort out. Instead, he poured himself a glass of whiskey and settled in front of the fire with the paper. _Young Sirius is surely going to pay for his disappearance tomorrow, _he thought, sighing to himself.

That was a long chapter! But I needed to say something about his home life. So here it is. Thank you to my trusty reviewers, especially MilyMB.  Thanks for the tips etc.


	4. Chapter 4

Run Sirius Run

Sirius escaped talking to his father the following morning because he had some urgent business in the Ministry, and was gone before Sirius went downstairs. Relieved, Sirius ate his breakfast in silence, and then rushed outside to call Julia on a public phone. Two minutes down the road was a red telephone box, with two of the panes of glass smashed. Sirius shut the door behind him and picked up the phone. Ignoring the prostitute call cards plastered to the walls of the booth, he put three-pound coins into the machine, pulled up his sleeve and dialled the number still written there.

The phone was ringing. That was a good sign.

"Hello, Miss Bernard speaking, how may I help you?"

Sirius was a bit shocked to hear a different, harsher voice at the end of the line. Maybe Julia had given him the wrong number. Maybe she didn't like him, may-

"Hello?" The voice sounded impatient. "Look, it you're one of those call companies, we're not interested so-"

"No. Sorry, I'm calling to speak to Julia. I'm not sure if this is the right number though."

There was a pause. "Julia Renaulds?"

Fuck. What was her surname? "Yeah…" Sirius said uncertainly.

"Oh. I see. No one has ever called to speak to Julia before." Miss Bernard sounded surprised. "And you are…?"

"An old friend." Sirius hoped that was enough. There was a pause.

"Okay. I'll get her now. Wait a minute."

Sirius heard the phone on the other end being put down on a hard surface, maybe a desk, and then silence. Who on earth was Miss Bernard? What was Julia doing there? Sirius was slightly put out. He hadn't expected this to happen. He watched a boy slouch past on the opposite side of the road, wearing baggy tracksuit bottoms and plenty of 'bling', as Sirius knew it was called. He smiled to himself, wondering how anyone could smother themselves in so much material. Suddenly, a voice at the end of the line pulled him out of his reverie.

"Julia?" He asked hopefully. He hadn't been able to get her out of his mind all night.

"Yes. Sorry about that. I'll have to be quick though."

"Uh, I was just calling to see how you are really… nothing important." Sirius felt stupid saying this now.

Julia laughed. "Look, I can't come out today, but you're welcome to come over. I'll explain about all this when you're here. Ok?"

"Yeah. That's great." Sirius felt much better knowing that he would be with her soon. "Where are you?"

"Come to 24 Peaman Street, off Westminster Bridge Road. Get on the tube to Lambeth North. That's the quickest route."

"Okay. I think I've got that. I'll be along soon. Bye."

"Bye."

Sirius hung up the phone and left the phone booth. Checking that he had enough money, he began his journey to Julia's house.

OOOOOOOO

The journey went smoothly, and when he left Lambeth North station, he followed Westminster Bridge Road up until he saw a signpost for Peaman Street. Crossing the road, he entered a street full of modest town houses, quite large, but obviously they had seen better days.

"24…24…24…" Sirius muttered, checking each door as he went along. "22… ah, 24." The house was almost identical to the others, except for a small plaque beside the front door. It read, "YWCA- Hostel For Young Women". _That would explain it, _Sirius thought. He knocked, and waited until a short, porky woman with cropped grey hair answered the door.

"Ah, you must be Julia's friend," she said, slightly suspiciously. Sirius guessed she wasn't happy about him visiting, but she would just have to put up with it. Sirius nodded. "Well, you'd better come in then." She stood aside to let Sirius enter.

Sirius stood awkwardly in the shabby hallway as the woman closed the door.

"I am Miss Bernard. I spoke to you on the phone."

"Oh, yes." Sirius said. "I would like to talk to Julia please."

"Hmmmmm. Yes, top floor, second door to the right."

Sirius walked up the stairs, aware of Miss Bernard watching him as he went. _Perve, _he thought to himself, smiling slightly. He found the door to what he presumed was Julia's bedroom easily, so he knocked.

He heard a muffled "Come in," from inside, so he opened the door. Julia got up from her desk and stood awkwardly in the middle of the room. She had been thinking about him all night, unable to sleep. _He's here! _She thought, slightly breathless, throat dry._ Oh, I want him so badly._ He just stood in the doorway.

Sirius closed the door behind him quietly. He just wanted to take her right then, on the floor. He stepped forward, and could see Julia swallow in nervous apprehension. In one short moment, Sirius moved forwards and scooped Julia into his arms, kissing her deeply. She kissed him back, just as desperately, for what seemed like light-years. She ran her hands lightly up Sirius' back, under his T-shirt, while he fiddled with her dress. Pulling away for a second, she pulled it up and over her head, leaving it in a crumpled heap on the floor, completely forgotten. She pulled Sirius shirt up over his head in one fluid motion, while he pulled open his belt. They resumed kissing, and Julia reached down to open his fly while he unclasped her bra. Sirius pulled of his jeans and pulled Julia into him.

Her skin felt like it was on fire, burning up at the mire touch of his body on hers. She didn't feel in control any more, as she felt herself pushed onto the bed. He climbed on top and kissed her neck, causing her to groan deeply. He ran his hands down to her knickers line, tugging them down as she kicked the things off.

Their eyes locked for a moment, and Sirius saw the burning passion in them, and went hard at the mere thought of her wanting him so badly. He smiled softly and trailed kisses down her neck.

She gasped in pleasure, feeling his lips and tongue on her nipples.

He gently sucked and nipped at them, feeling each one harden in turn. He pulled off his boxers, so both of them were naked together, lying on her single bed.

She wrapped her legs round his waist, feeling his hard member pressing at the entrance.

He gripped her hips, pulled back and plunged deeply into her.

She moaned deeply. _Oh God, oh sweet Jesus- _her thoughts were cut off as he began to move, pulsing deeply inside her. She tightened her legs round him and held him close to her sweaty body as he began pumping faster and harder. She found his mouth and kissed him hard, their tongues dancing as he came, spurting his seed deeply inside her.

Too exhausted to move, he simply collapsed on top of her, and she stroked his back absentmindedly, still panting for breath. Slowly, he pulled out and rolled over.

She felt his seed dribbled slightly down to pool between her thighs, mixing with her come. She looked over at Sirius, his muscular chest rising and falling as he tried to catch his breath. She pulled the sheets over them both and rested her head on his chest, listening to the beating of his heart. Together, they drifted off to sleep.

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Hours later, Sirius woke and looked down at the sleeping Julia nestled against his warm body. Their legs were entwined, so he didn't dare move. Slowly, he kissed the top of her head, only freezing when she stirred, and looked blearily up at him. So his kissed her sweet lips instead.

"Hi," he whispered, mouth dry. She just smiled.

"That was the most beautiful moment of my life," she said softly, remembering him moving in her.

"I aim to please," he said, a grin playing on his lips. Julia snorted softly.

"What now?" she asked.

Sirius had been thinking along the same lines. He was going back to school in two weeks, and he told Julia this. She seemed to be considering something, whilst playing with his bellybutton.

"I would still like to see you." She looked up at him. A deep kiss was a good enough answer for her. Silently, they settled down and drifted off to sleep again.

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Good? Bad? I'm not sure. Review and let me know. I finally think I know where I'm going with this. 


	5. Chapter 5

Run, Sirius, Run 

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The morning light filtering through the roughly drawn curtains in Julia's room. It fell across the Julia and Sirius, huddled together in the single bed, her head resting on his bare chest, his arm wrapped around her shoulder, playfully tracing patterns on the back.

Sirius took a long drag on the splif Julia had expertly rolled them and exhaled deeply, savouring the dozy high that engulfed him. He lazily passed to back to Julia, who took it and blew the smoke lightly into his face, giggling slightly. He could think of no better way to spend a Wednesday morning. _This is perfect-_

A hard knocking at the door interrupted Sirius' thoughts.

"Julia! Get up now. I know you're awake," someone called through. "You have five minutes to get out here for breakfast".

Sirius heard footsteps walk down the stairs.

Julia groaned into his chest, before rolling out of bed and stubbing out the remnants of the splif of the dresser. She stood up, completely naked and stretched, not at all embarrassed to get dressed in front of someone she had only known for a few days. "Fuck that bitch Emma," she muttered before turning to Sirius. "What are you doing, grinning at me like that?" she said playfully, crawling up the bed until she was hovering over Sirius.

Sirius leaned up to kiss her, but suddenly felt the pillow pulled from under his head and found Julia hitting him with it. He burst out laughing, wondering how this girl could bring about such a change in his mood. He grabbed the pillow off her and rolled her over, onto her back, pining her to the bed. Kissing her deeply, he pulled back.

"I think I love you," he breathed onto her lips.

Julia pushed him back, studying him properly. "No, you don't. You might think you do but I don't think you really know what love is." She smiled before adding, "You'd better get dressed quick or I'll be in huge trouble for having a boy sleep round."

Sirius laughed and pushed himself up off the bed. They both got dressed as quickly as possible, which was quite hard for Sirius, as he had to collect his clothes which were scattered about the room. Once he was done, Julia put a finger to her lips, grabbed his hand and pulled him downstairs. They tip toed down the hallway, and Julia quietly opened the front door. Sirius could here some women talking behind a door at the end of the hall, in what he could only guess was the kitchen.

Julia glanced back before pushing Sirius out of the house. She gave him a quick, chaste kiss, and whispered, "Come and get me some other time. I might be down by the river. Otherwise, Will might know where I am." And with that, she shut the door, leaving a very satisfied Sirius standing on the doorstep, a smile spreading across his face.

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"Where were you?"

Sirius was sitting in his father's darkened study. He had been pushed roughly into a hard backed chair where he sat, shaking hands grasping his knees. He stared hard at the bookshelf opposite him, trying not to show his father his fear.

"Tell me now!" Mr Black spat, backhanding Sirius sharply across the face.

"I went for a walk," Sirius spat back.

"All night?" Mr Black was positively shaking with suppressed rage. Sirius had no answer to that. "Stand up and remove your shirt."

Sirius knew what was coming. He stood slowly, eyes closed trying to prevent the fear from showing on his face. It would not do to anger his father more. As he shrugged of his top, his father moved over to his desk and removed a black leather belt from his top draw. He walked back to Sirius who stood facing the wall. His father drew back his arm and let the belt whip down onto his sons back with a sharp crack.

Sirius hissed with pain and braced himself for the cracks to come.

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Drawing in breath and pushing it out again. It was amazing how calming that simple action could be. Even more so if you were breathing in, say, cigarette smoke, or even better, some sort of illegal substance… Sirius smiled at that. Cannabis. It had regularly soothed his nerves since he was fourteen. It was now like an old friend to him. But an addictive one.

Sirius sank lower into his bath water, feeling his tender back sting in the heat. He took another long drag on his spliff and reached down to pick up a bottle of Firewhiskey, which stood by the bath on the floor. Suddenly, the bathroom door banged open and Regulus entered. Sirius was too drugged up to care about his brother seeing his naked body, so he simply opened one eye and grunted.

"Charming," Regulus remarked. "If only the girls could see you now". He smirked. "Father will go mental if he knew you smoked that stuff."

This finally pulled Sirius out of his stupor. "But he won't find out, will he?"

"Perhaps not," Regulus answered, sitting on the edge of the bathtub and looking anywhere but at Sirius crutch, even though the water was cloudy. "But only if you promise not to get in any more trouble."

Sirius stared at him. "Since when have you cared what I do?"

"You're my brother whether I like it or not, usually not, so I have a right to be worried."

"And why are you worried? I'm fine." Sirius had to fight hard to prevent a sarcastic smile gracing his lips. Here he was drowning his sorrows in a bath while stoned. Yes, he was fine.

Regulus however snorted. "You can't lie to me, Sirius. You never have been able to. It would take a blind man to not notice the shit you're in. You smoke all the time, and drink, you don't sleep, you take drugs and arrive home in the early hours of the morning, if at all! For goodness sake Sirius, get a hold of yourself! Do you want to die before you reach thirty?"

Anger flared up inside Sirius. Sitting up more he snarled, "You don't know shit about what I'm going through, so don't sit there acting all high and fucking mighty pretending that you do. Do you know what it's like for father to beat _you _senseless? Yes?"

Regulus turned away. "No," he admitted.

"Then don't act like you do." He stood up, climbed out of the bath and wrapped a fresh, white towel around his waste. Holding the door open, he said, "Now get out of my bathroom and get out of my room." Ice hung from every syllable.

"Sirius-" Regulus started.

"Get out."

"I just don't want you to get hurt." The sentence hung limply in the air. Regulus realised that he sounded like a fake character from a cheesy Muggle soap. Sirius wasn't answering so he added, "I've seen the friends you have, the _Muggle _friends. I'm not going to say that you betrayed the family because our parents haven't made it very easy for you, but-"

"Made it very easy?" Sirius repeated scathingly. "They hate me, and don't deny it. Every time I enter this bloody house they have something to complain about, some waiting punishment." To his horror, Sirius could feel his eyes filling up with tears. "I hate our parents so much that sometimes it hurts, and sometimes I love them because I have to, but they will never accept me now." A single tear leaked from his eye. "And I have to live with that every day, that I will never make them happy, or pleased to see me whatever I do."

Regulus did what any brother would have done after hearing that, and that was reach forward and pulled Sirius into a tight hug. It was this simple show of brotherly affection which Sirius had craved for so long which smashed through all his carefully constructed defences and masks. He clutched Reguuas back, and to his younger brothers amaze, sobbed into his shoulder.

"Blimey Sirius," Regulus said once Sirius' sobs had subsided and he was rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands. "I didn't expect to open the bloody floodgates!"

Sirius smiled. "Sorry. I don't usually cry."

"We're brothers. I don't care. Just watch yourself, alright?"

"I'll try."

"Night Sirius."

"G'night."

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Ok, a pretty pointless chapter really. Sorry I haven't updated for a while, but I've been on holiday.


	6. Chapter 6

Thanks for all of your reviews. I warn you, there is violence, drug use etc in this chapter but if you've made it this far I'm guessing you're used to it. 

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Regulus' point of view 

We were eating dinner about a week before we were due back at Hogwarts when Sirius and Father had their next major tiff. God, Sirius can be so stupid sometimes. He just brings it on himself and then seems to think that he's the innocent victim when he's punished for his insolence. I swear he actually enjoys pushing our parents to see when they will snap. He can be such an idiot. Mind you, Father can be slightly harsh, even though I hate to admit it. I've never actually seen him properly punish Sirius, but he often comes down for breakfast looking like he's walked into a door. A really heavy door… huge bruises sometimes…or a cut lip.

I was cautiously watching Sirius out of the corner of my eye. Usually, if I sense that he's up to something or out to cause trouble I'll gently nudge him to warn him. Normally, there is nothing I can do. He was pushing the food around on his plate. He never eats anything anyway, but at Hogwarts he suddenly gets a huge appetite. Mind you, you can't tell because he's so bloody slim. Not skinny though. I'm skinnier. That annoys the hell out of me sometimes.

Father kept glaring at him from across the table. It was only a matter of time before he blew. I knew it. Sirius knew it. Mother knew it.

"Would –you – desist?" Father had snapped at last. It wasn't a question though. Father doesn't ask people to do things, he simply tells them. He said once that it is a more precise to make orders and that 'politeness' was only used by the weak. I can sort of see his point sometimes.

Sirius let his fork fall to his plate with a loud clatter. I saw mother pause and watch him. She never ate much either, but was much too worried about maintaining her figure after having had two children. Is it me or am I part of the shallowest family in the world?

"Are these manners which you have acquired from your mudblood friends because your mother and I certainly never brought you up to be so slovenly and disrespectful?" Oh dear. He had disrespected Sirius' friends, something that always made him spitting mad. Literally.

"Don't call my friends _mudbloods_." I noticed that he spat as much venom as possible into that one word. Only a few years ago he would have had no problem in using that word. Times change though.

Father put down his fork. "Would blood traitors be more appropriate?"

I could almost sense Sirius shaking with suppressed rage. "Shut up!" He hissed.

My father's eyes narrowed warningly. "I beg your pardon?"

"I said shut the _fuck_ up!" I felt growing pains of fear and worry gnawing away in my stomach.

"How dare you speak to me like that!" Father shouted, standing up in rage. "I'm your father. You should show me respect. Are you not ashamed enough to be in Gryffindor, when you should be in the respectable House of Slytherin where you belong, like your ancestors before you? You are a young representative of this household. Our family name is constantly being dragged through the mud because of your bloody insolence! Believe me, I will not stand for this any longer. You have cast enough shame on this family, with you Muggle clothes, obscene language and filthy habits. I am your father and you will obey me."

There was a deathly silence. "You're no father of mine", Sirius said, and his words rang through the room. I distantly heard the whisperings of the portraits on the walls. Sirius stood up and pushed his chair back. "I'm going to bed", he announced.

But he had barely got round the table before Father lunged forwards and dragged him by the scruff of the neck over to a ornate goblin made shield, centuries old and baring the family crest. "You see that?" He hissed, thrusting Sirius at it. "You see it? That is your heritage and you can't deny it. _You are a Black_, descended from the purest and the noblest of families. _You should be proud_!"

"Well I'm not!" Sirius was almost shouting in fathers face. In one quick motion father backhanded Sirius hard around the face. I gripped the table hard, afraid of what would happen.

They stared each other in the eye. It startled me to see that although only fifteen. Sirius was almost at eye level with Father. The same thought seemed to have occurred to him.

"You listen to me," Father said in a low, dangerous voice. "If you do not get your act together and see where your loyalties lie, you can say goodbye to returning to Hogwarts next week. Remember, you are only there because I allow you, but at the moment I think a transfer to Durmstrang may be needed, and your mother agrees."

Sirius looked shocked to the core and to my horror, I could see angry tears well up in his eyes, but I knew he would never let them fall. One thing our father never allowed was a sign of weakness or out of control emotion. "I hate you," he whispered. "I HATE YOU!"

Father punched Sirius soundly round the face, and before he had the chance to lift his own hand in protection, he had grabbed his throat and slammed him into the wall. "Don't – you – ever – say – that – again!" Father shouted, gripping Sirius hard round the neck.

I could see the panic on Sirius' face as he tried to pull Fathers hands away, but his strength was nothing in comparison. "- Can't… breath… father-" he gasped.

I could do nothing but stare in horror at the monster Father had become. I was barely aware of my mother striding over, pulling on father's arm, and whispering in his ear. Slowly, he seemed to come to his senses and released Sirius, who slid gasping down to the floor.

"Come darling," Mother said confidently, as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened. "I'll fetch Kreacher to get tea," and she led Father from the room.

I sat a while longer, listening to Sirius' desperate gasps subside into shaky breathing, and it was then that I realised I had dug my fingernails into the palm of my hands so hard that they were bleeding.

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I must have left him sprawled on the floor because I drifted upstairs to my room alone. I heard angry voices from inside Father's study but didn't stop to listen. Mother always said it was a cardinal sin to listen at doors. I wasn't going to start now.

Closing the door to my room I sighed, feeling slightly at peace. I was still shaking slightly as I sank down on the chair in front of my dresser. My reflection stared back at me, white and wide eyes, almost breathing, "You did nothing… you didn't help your own brother… how do you think he feels? Worse than you…"

My thoughts were interrupted by a slam of the front door. Sirius was out for the night then. I think he does drugs, Muggle drugs. I've never asked though. He scares me sometimes. He might act really charming and arrogant at school, but I know the other side of him… the darker side. It doesn't matter how much he tries to change; he is still a Black. I've seen him with his mask off, all barriers down. I bet that Potter friend of his would never guess that Sirius is just as vulnerable as anyone else, more so in fact as Father insists of beating the shit out of him at every available opportunity. I don't think so.

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I fell asleep at about midnight, tired of staying up waiting for Sirius. I was still fully dressed, lying on top of my covers when I woke as the wooden floor outside in the hall creaked. Sirius must be back.

Glancing at the clock as I quietly slipped off the bed, I saw it was three in the morning.

The landing was dark, the only light cast across the floor from the moon shinning through the large Victorian windows.

Sirius' door was slightly ajar and I noticed a gleam of light coming from the right, where his bathroom was. I crept into his room and stepped lightly over his discarded T-shirt. The bathroom door was almost shut so I pressed my eye to the crack.

Sirius was knelt against facing towards the bath, bent low over a line of white powder. I knew exactly what this was. Cocaine. Shocked I stepped back to hear Sirius snort deeply. My heart was thudding in my chest as a almost ran back to my room and gently closed the door.

I simple stood stock still for about two minutes letting what I had just witness sink in. _What was Sirius doing? What the fuck had he got himself into? _


	7. Chapter 7

Took me a while to update, so sorry about that. Thanks for the reviews and everything.

Um… warning for language, drugs, God knows what else. I haven't written it yet as this is at the beginning. We'll see what happens.

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Sirius awoke groggily as bright, early morning light streamed in through his half open curtains. He was lying on the top of his sheets, fully dressed and feeling like complete shit. Groaning, he held the palms of his hands to his throbbing headache and sat up slowly. It was like all his blood had rushed to his head and he sat still for a few seconds until the room stopped swimming.

Staggering into his bathroom, Sirius sighed at his reflection in the ornate mirror. His skin was deathly white making his messy hair stand out starkly in contrast. A fading bruise was partially covered by a new one, which twinged painfully as Sirius touched it gently. But the thing about his appearance which shocked Sirius the most was the horrendous purple marks circling his neck. The memories flooded back to Sirius through the haze of a hangover.

Not moving, Sirius called out "Kreacher", into the room. At once, the house elf appeared and bowed low, muttering something under his breath. "Get me a cup of coffee, will you?" Kreacher bowed again and disapperated with a loud crack.

After a shower and the coffee, Sirius felt marginally better and chose a deep red jumper with a polo neck to cover up the bruising. It was cold for the end of August so he could get away with being so warmly dressed. Deciding he would skip breakfast, he chose a Muggle record from his large collection and put it on. Sitting down and lighting a Marlboro he finally started a Potions essay he should have done weeks ago.

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"Where are we going?" They were walking through a cheap, run down housing estate on the edge of London. Sirius was feeling edgy as he peered into the dark stairwells which led up into the concrete, high-rise flats. _Anyone could jump out and stab us or something…_

"I told you earlier. I want you to meet some friends of mine," Will snapped. Sirius decided not to answer as Will was in a particularly foul mood that night. A door slammed somewhere high above them.

Sirius pulled his jacket tighter around him, feeling insecure about stepping into the dingy lift on the ground floor of one of the towers. He had never trusted these Muggle contraptions. Magic was much safer. Will pressed the button for the twelfth floor and they lurched upwards. The doors opened onto a concrete corridor, completely empty except for empty light holders and three or so doors. Will led Sirius to the first one and knocked four times.

"People nick the bulbs," he said shortly, nodding to the bulb holders.

Sirius heard someone fumbling with a lock the other side of the door and a bolt being drawn back. Slowly, it opened an inch and an eye appeared in the crack. It opened slightly in recognition and the person stood back to let them in.

"God, be a little quicker next time," Will mumbled.

"Can't be too careful," said the stranger closing the door behind them. He stood back to look at Sirius. The man who had answered the door was about forty. Sirius guessed, but it was hard to tell. He had closely shaved hair, was slightly overweight and wore old slacks, a shirt and waistcoat. The colours clashed slightly giving off a slightly extravagant vibe.

"My, my, you're a looker," he said, looking Sirius up and down. "He'd better have cash," he added to Will and led them into the tiny living room.

"Mark's a drug dealer," Will whispered to Sirius. "Thought it was time to get you introduced."

"Gimme your jacket then," he said to Sirius who hastily gave it to him. Mark laughed at his obvious discomfort, walked out of the room into a small, filthy kitchen and returned with a bottle of vodka, three glasses and a small packet of white powder. Sirius cheered up at the sight of that and Will, who had been nervously biting his nails visibly relaxed.

Mark poured out three large measures of vodka and they downed them together. Sirius felt the alcohol burning a path down his throat. "So," Mark said, pouring out more drink, "What brings you here?"

The question was directed at Will, who took the opportunity to introduce Sirius properly whilst attacking the cocaine and passing the bag to Sirius, who realised that his hands were shaking slightly as he pinched some out.

"Fuck Will, how long 'ave you gone without a hit?" Mark asked, eyeing the quickly disappearing drug.

"Too long. Too fucking long…" Will answered.

"You know I'm well supplied," Mark pointed out, downing another shot of vodka but not touching the cocaine.

"Yeah… well… money problems and all that jazz." Will seemed a lot more relaxed now that he had taken a few hits.

Sirius noticed that his hands had stopped shaking. He was content just floating along on his high, half listening to the others conversation. _It father could see what he's driven me to… a drug dealers flat in a shitty Muggle neighbourhood…_

He was snapped back to life when Will drunkenly shook him, leaning in close and whispering, "Wanna try something new?"

Sirius smiled, his head swimming as yet another glass of vodka was pushed into his limp hand. "Yeah… go on then…" he trailed off.

Mark staggered over to the cupboard in the corner and pulled out a small box, about the size of a lunch box. "The secret stash," he slurred when he slumped back down onto the sofa, winking at Sirius.

"Ahhhh…"Will sighed, leaning forward longingly. "We," he said, whilst removing his belt, "are about to introduce you to the heaven that is dope. Believe me, after this you'll never want sex again."

Mark snorted. He was setting up some equipment, but Sirius wasn't really focusing. "It's good while it lasts," he muttered, now lighting a flame under an aluminium dish of brown stuff. "Fantastic, in fact, but only for a while."

Sirius was distracted by Will pulling up his sleeve and tightening a belt around his upper arm. He was grinning insanely at Sirius and tightened the belt painfully.

Mark passed a syringe full of the brown liquid to Will and as soon it entered Sirius' body, he felt like he was being rocketed to heaven. It was a million times more intense than the cocaine high. Colours swirled in front of Sirius' eyes, and he felt like he was falling through space, comforted by a cushion of blackness. He could here laughter in the distance as he faded into nothingness…

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When he came to a while later, Sirius found himself lying on the floor, still buzzing with heroin. "Hmmm…" was all he could manage as he sat up. Will was sprawled as the end of the sofa, syringes littering the floor amongst other debris. He grinned lazily.

Mark came back into the living room with Sirius jacket and threw it at him, grinning. "Good, eh?" He hauled Will to his feet and shook him slightly. "You must go now. I don't run a fucking hotel you know."

Will dug into his back pocket and pulled out a crumpled £20 note. Mark took it from him and turned to Sirius, who did the same. He then pulled out another £20 and handed it to Mark as well. Mark went through a door on the right and when he came back, he handed Sirius a large bag of cocaine.

"That should keep you set for a while," Mark said, opening the door. "See you soon Will, and you." He nodded to Sirius and shut the door.

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The following day passed in a haze for Sirius. His parents were out, accompanying the Minister to a business meeting in Wales, so Sirius seized the opportunity to see Julia and Will. Regulus had given him an edgy look as they met on the stairs and had hurried on. Puzzled, Sirius left the house.

The day passed too quickly for Sirius. It turned out that Julia knew Mark too, so they had gone there to find Will stoned out of his head with an edgy looking guy called Ritz who, Julia told him, was a notorious junkie. Julia turned out to be a regular heroin user and fixed Sirius up. They then spent the rest of the afternoon making good use of an empty bed in the spare room.

Once again, Mark didn't seem to touch the drugs himself, but sold them to various people who drifted in during the day. Some came with no money, only to be thrown dejected back into the hallway. One such man had screamed desperately that he had nowhere else to go but Mark simply locked the door as an answer.

"He doesn't put up with any crap," Julia had whispered to him, taking a drag on a spliff and then handing it to Sirius. "No money, no junk, simple as that. Some regulars like Will get a tab but it's best to stay in his good books."

It was that night whilst strolling back home that Sirius realised that he couldn't go two hours without snorting some cocaine. Even his sleep was restless now. He felt a jolt of worry deep in his gut but suppressed it with a drag of his cigarette.

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The next day, Sirius was entrusted with a letter or approval, which would allow him and Regulus to withdraw large amounts of gold from the family vault in Gringotts.

Regulus was left standing in The Leaky Cauldron on his own for five minutes while Sirius went to the toilet. He began to get impatient, sick of Tom constantly approaching him and trying to get him to buy a butterbeer.

"Sorry, but I am really not thirsty!" he was saying again when Sirius finally walked round the bar. "Blimey, you took ages," he complained as Tom shuffled off looking disappointed.

"Yeah well…" Sirius looked uncomfortable. "Let's go." He led his younger brother into the small yard at the back of the pub and on into Diagon Alley. "Right," he said, consulting a list, "We need money, so we might as well go to Gringotts first."

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They emerged into the bright sunlight half an hour later after having retrieved a large bag of gold each from the depths of Gringotts. It had taken longer than usual because their vault was so highly protected.

"Right," said Sirius, consulting a list, "We need new robes, so we might as well get those first."

In Madame Malkins Robes For All Occasions, they purchased fine, hand made, pure linen robes edged with silver thread. They weren't the custom made Hogwarts robes but the ones purebloods favoured, made of lighter and more expensive material.

They then stocked up on potion ingredients, bought the new books as well as quills and parchment.

When both Regulus and Sirius had bought everything they needed, Sirius suggested they had a quick drink in a café before heading out into Muggle London. Their Mother had suggested that they refill their Muggle wardrobe, as it would be shameful for them to be wearing unfashionable clothes at the weekend in Hogwarts.

While they were sipping their butterbeers, a shadow fell across the table. Sirius looked up to see the familiar face of Remus Lupin gazing down at him smiling.

"Remus!" Sirius cried, removing his feet from the chair they had been resting on and allowing him to sit down. "Haven't spoken to you in a while."

"We've been on holiday in Devon," Remus explained in his soft, careful voice. "And you never write anyway." He turned to Regulus. "Hello," he said.

Regulus' eyes narrowed slightly and he nodded. Sirius glared at him. "How's James?" he asked.

"In France, I think. He might be back by now actually. He said there was a funny episode with an orange he wanted to tell us about but wanted to save it for the train."

Sirius was aware of Remus studying him carefully. He looked him straight in the eye and quirked one eyebrow.

Remus didn't seem embarrassed about being caught staring. "You look tired," he stated." Hs eyes lingered on the bruise on Sirius' cheek and his cut lip. "Been in a fight?"

"Hmmm," replied Sirius, glancing briefly at Regulus, who was listening in mild interest.

Remus raised one eyebrow and stood up. "Nice chatting and all, but I have to meet mum in Flourish and Blotts in about two minutes so I'd better go." He picked up his shopping bags. "Bye Sirius, bye Regulus."

"See you," Sirius called after him as he crossed the street.

"So," said Regulus carefully, draining his butterbeer. "They don't know about…" he gestured at Sirius' face.

"No," Sirius replied shortly. "Are you ready?" He stood up abruptly.

Regulus decided not to discuss the matter further. He picked up his own bags and followed Sirius back to The Leaky Cauldron.

Once inside, they left their bags with Tom the barkeeper, who then sent a message back to the Black house for a house elf to collect them.

Sirius had been trusted with his Father's credit card that the man owned only to keep up Muggle appearances. He used it as little as possible.

"So," said Sirius as they emerged onto the busy Muggle shopping street. "Where shall we go? Harrods?" He half grinned at Regulus. It was their favourite place to shop as it housed all of the designer brands under one roof. It also served coffee ice cream which, in Regulus' opinion, bettered the ones found in Diagon Alley.

"Well," he replied grinning. "If you absolutely insist, then I suppose we must."

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Sirius was taking a while trying on the millions of pairs of jeans he had chosen and Regulus was tired of waiting for him.

"Hurry up!" he called through the thick embroidered curtains in the Harrods private changing rooms. "Why do you need _another _pair of jeans? I swear you have fifteen pairs already."

"Seventeen, actually," Sirius replied. "But not a red pair." There was a deep sniffing sound, and then another.

Regulus frowned. "I didn't know you have a cold," he said, suspicion lurking in his mind.

There was a long pause, broken only by the rustling of clothes. "It must have just come on. A summer cold or something," Sirius muttered eventually.

Finally he came out, handing the jeans he didn't want to the assistant.

"You're buying two more pairs?"

"Yup," you know they're all I wear."

"Even so…"

Whilst paying, Regulus' stomach rumbled loudly, causing Sirius to snort loudly and the assistant to look up in alarm.

"Fancy some coffee ice cream?" Regulus asked innocently, grinning at Sirius.

"Well, it delays going home, so ok."

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Sorry it took so long to update. I had the first half written ages ago but then I had writers block for the next bit. Well, it's done now.


	8. Chapter 8

Thanks for the reviews. Yeah, that last chapter was quite long so I'll try and keep it up. I'm in a bit of a hazy section at the moment so it might take a while for me to get this bit of the story straight. Just to warn you.

I suppose I should put one of those disclaimer things in here somewhere. So here goes- I don't own and of the characters in this masterpiece (joke :D) apart from the ones you recognise from the books. Will that do? Oh well…

Ah, just to let you know, this chapter contains a bit of slash, so if you don't like it, don't read it.

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"Where do you think you're going?" Mother's voice echoed down the hall from her position at the top of the stairs.

_Damn! _Sirius cursed silently. He had been trying to sneak out for the night. He had arranged to meet Julia in the park at nine and it was already half eight. He put one hand on the doorknob. "Out."

"No you're not, you blood traitor scum. Don't you think that we don't know what you're up to!" She walked swiftly down the stair and stopped about two metres from Sirius. "You were seen," she said.

Sirius masked his face with cool carelessness, but inside he was shitting himself. _Seen?_

"Walking along Tottenham Court Road last night with a group of people. _Muggles!_ " She spat the word out as though simply saying tainted her tongue. "Mrs Lestrange saw you and told me immediately. Quite right too!"

Sirius immediately felt sick. _Has she told father? Holy fuck! Has she told him? _His hand tightened on the doorknob, ready to throw it open.

Sirius was barely conscious of Regulus emerging from the drawing room where he had been practising the piano. He stopped, looking on.

"Unless you want me to tell your father, you stay here," his mother warned. "I can't believe it has come to this, me blackmailing my own son! You are our heir, the future of this family rests on your shoulders…"

She was still talking, but Sirius couldn't hear anymore. Her lips were moving, but no sound was coming out. He was aware of Regulus staring at him. The scene swam in front of him alarmingly. He needed to get out. Now.

He threw the door open and ran away as fast as he could. He distantly heard his Mother's scream of rage. The night-lights flashed past as he ran as fast as he could away from the place of his nightmares to his secret haven. He slid down the slippery river back to the place under the bridge.

Will looked up as Sirius stumbled noisily into the clearing. He looked a mess; tired, drawn and bent over, panting for breath. "You 'kay?"

Sirius looked up. "What do you think?" he said sarcastically.

"What happened?"

Sirius sat down next to him. "Argument with my Mother."

Will snorted. "God, you're so posh!" Sirius punched him jokingly on the arm. "I thought it was your dad you hated?" he added seriously.

Sirius lit up a cigarette. "Both. My mother has a cruel tongue." He took a long drag.

"At least she didn't marry some bastard she'd only known for a month," Will muttered bitterly.

Sirius looked up surprised at this statement. Will had never really told him anything about himself, except he shared a flat with that guy, Ritz who Sirius had seen at Mark's house. He had never been to Will's flat though. "Is that what happened to you?"

Will didn't answer but reached into a bag beside him and Sirius recognised the sounds of him preparing heroin. "Is it?" he asked again.

"Yeah," Will mumbled, distracted by his task. "He hated me from the word go. It was mutual."

His tone told Sirius that the conversation was over. They spent the following minutes in silence until Sirius saw Will pull out a couple of syringes from his bag. He loaded them up, one with more liquid in it than the other.

"Why the hell do you get more?" Sirius felt angry, like he was being cheated. He had a mad urge to punch Will and take them both. As soon as the thought crossed his mind he felt disgusted. Was this the person he had turned into? Someone willing to hurt a friend just to get his hands on some filthy drugs? Will was a good friend who wouldn't ever try and hurt him. And he needed a friend right now, when as usual, Peter and James had failed to keep their promised letters coming past the second week of the holidays. Remus was an exception but his letters were all about schoolwork anyway.

"I have a higher tolerance than you. Don't want you to pass out now, do we?" his tone was slightly mocking. Sirius narrowed his eyes at him and Will just grinned. They held their gaze slightly too long for it to be comfortable, and Sirius dropped his gaze in the awkward silence. He felt Will pull up his sleeve and waited for the immediate infinite high.

It came and felt as incredible as he expected. Sirius was barely aware of falling back onto the ground. He sank relieved into the blackness of oblivion…

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Something was ruining it. Ruining his high. Someone was shouting. He fought his way through the black mugginess of his messed up wreck of a mind. Opening one eye a crack he saw the blurred outline of someone standing over him shouting. He was only able to make out a few words. The rest all disappeared into the ringing in his ears. "… waiting… waster… look at you… disgrace… better…"

Ignoring the painful throbbing in his temples an the sweat on his back caused by his sudden comedown, he sat up slowly and peered up at the person. Blinking quickly, his vision cleared. It was Julia. _Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!" _He was meant to have met her hours ago. She just stood there, breathing heavily, tears running down her face, smudging her makeup.

"I waited and waited Sirius. And you were here," she gestured around at the squalid mess. "Wasting away with drug addicts. Is that what you are Sirius. I thought you were better then that, but clearly I was wrong." She wasn't shouting anymore.

Each word cut Sirius to the bone, just like the hateful words from his parents. He hid behind the calm mask his father had carved for him over the years, one of cool indifference.

Julia took one last look at him and ran off. Sirius sat in silence, completely still. He wasn't sure whether to run after her, but decided not to because he probably couldn't physically do it.

He was forced out of his reverie by Will thrust in half empty bag of China White under his nose. "It'll help with the come down."

Sirius took it smiling. He dug in his pocket for a crumpled up note.

"Nah, keep it," said Will.

"I'll need more than this."

Will shrugged and handed him a second bag and took the note from him. He settled down next to Sirius and rolled up a couple of spliffs.

"Might as well make a night of it," he said, grinning.

They didn't talk as much, but Sirius felt soothed by just being in Will's company. Will however, couldn't keep his eyes of the other boy. He felt the constant need to reach out, which he hadn't done yet. He didn't want to scare Sirius. Will thought that he could use Sirius' need for love as a way of getting him into bed.

"Sirius, have you ever been with a girl?" he asked. Sirius didn't seem the type to be a virgin, even at the tender age of 15.

Sirius didn't seem particularly surprised or bothered at the question. He was used to Will coming out with odd comments.

"Yes", he answered shortly.

"When? Where?"

"Last year. I was at a party. Drunk, I suppose. I don't really remember. I think I went home with her. She was older. I'm not sure. I woke up in her bed. She called me a few times after that, and I went with her a few more times. Then she never called me again. I didn't really mind. Just a casual acquaintance."

Will nodded. It made sense. Sirius didn't seem the type to have long relationships. Or deep ones for that matter. Will was the same.

"Anybody else?"

"One or two girls from school. That's all."

Will knew that Sirius went to a boarding school. He would be leaving the following Monday. Taking a chance, Will moved closer to Sirius, in the pretence of offering him a cigarette.

Sirius accepted, but was surprised when Will sat back down right next to him. A bit close, but Sirius didn't mind.

Will took this for acceptance. He put his hand on Sirius' leg, by the knee.

Sirius froze in the act of lighting the cigarette. He felt Will slowly move his hand up his leg. He wanted to push him away, but felt himself frozen. It was horribly similar to when his father wanted to punish him. He wanted to move, but felt unable to.

Will, feeling no objection from Sirius, moved over, so he was hovering in front of Sirius. Slowly, he moved his face forward until their breath began to mingle.

Sirius gripped the grass beneath him, his knuckled turning white. "What the fuck-", His thoughts froze as Will licked his closed lips.

This was completely wrong. Sirius wanted to push Will away, but only managed to murmur "Will..."

Will took this for accent and leaned in. He roughly pulled Sirius in by the shirt and kissed him. There was no passion, no love, just raw need and loneliness.

Sirius felt Will pull his lips roughly apart. Feeling like a puppet, with no control over his movements, Sirius began to kiss Will back. He didn't know why, but just needed some sort of physical contact, which was denied of him at home. What was the difference between kissing him and kissing Julia? _Because Will is a boy! This is sick-_

Their tongues fought each other, as Will bit and sucked at Sirius' lips. He hauled Sirius onto his lap to gain better access to his mouth, and ran his hands greedily over Sirius' chest, which was even more toned then Will had ever dreamed.

Sirius barely registered the change in position, but did notice the hands that were now fumbling with the belt of his jeans.

Sirius didn't feel in control enough to stop Will, who pulled open Sirius' trousers in some sort of triumph. Will pulled him down onto the bare earth, and kissed him again, with even more need. _Finally…_ he thought.

Sirius tasted blood, but he didn't care. He noticed he was physically shaking and felt the urge to throw up, but suppressed it. He felt Will sucking on his neck, moving down slowly.

Will pushed up Sirius t-shirt, up and over his head, glad to get it out of the way. Then he moved on with his work, planting love bites along his collarbone. Sirius groaned deeply. Taking one nipple in his mouth, Will suckled roughly on it, not noticing how hard he was gripping Sirius' arms. Sirius cried out in pain, but it went unnoticed. Will moved down further, to the waistband of Sirius' boxers. In anxious desire, he yanked both the jeans and boxers down together, to the top of Sirius' thighs. Not pausing to check if Sirius was willing to go further, he threw Sirius round onto his front, and straddled his legs.

"Will-", Sirius started, but he found his head crushed into the ground. Will quickly undid his own flies and pulled out his aching, throbbing cock. He wanted this so badly, he wanted to be inside Sirius now.

Sirius was too shocked at what was happening to him that he couldn't even struggle as Will hauled his waist up so he was on his knees, but with his elbows on the ground. Will knelt behind him, and in one swift movement, plunged deeply inside Sirius, right up to the hilt. Sirius couldn't help but sob out in agony, the pain was so intense.

He dug his hands into the earth, knuckles turning white. Will moaned in pleasure as he came, while Sirius gasped with the pain. Completely unaroused, the whole experience was humiliating and agonizing.

Will pulled himself out of Sirius, who collapsed onto the ground, laying still. _Oh fuck. What have I done? Fuck- _he thought, staring unseeing into the distance.

Will turned him over and crawled up him until they were face to face. Sirius thought he was going to throw up.

Will smiled, on hand tightly gripping Sirius' wrist, the other slowly stroking his sleek, black hair. "Kiss me," he whispered.

" No", murmured Sirius.

Will felt anger flare up inside him at Sirius' defiance. He punched Sirius across the cheek, knocking the boys head to the side. "Do it!" he shouted.

Sirius shook his head, eyes clenched shut. "_This isn't happening, this didn't just happen_", he repeated over and over again.

"Kiss me properly, and I'll let you go." He tightened his grip on Sirius' hair.

Sirius stared into Wills deep blue eyes, trying to find some compassion, but upon finding none, he shuddered in resignation. Shutting his eyes, he leaned forward and captured Wills mouth with his own. He kissed him as passionately as he could without actually throwing up, and felt Will kiss back. _This actually feels pretty normal,_ he thought, before stopping the kiss abruptly when he realised what he had just thought.

Will looked in confusion into Sirius' shocked eyes, but decided not to question what had made him cut off so quickly. "Good boy", he praised. He rolled off Sirius who immediately scrambled to his feet, ran to a nearby bush and threw up. Heaving, sweat pouring down his face, he stood shaking. Realising how he was dressed, he quickly pulled up his fly and did up his belt. Feeling Wills hungry eyes on him, he turned round and grabbed his shirt.

Will watched Sirius shaking, barely able to put his top on properly. "Why are you so upset?" he asked smoothly. "You wanted it as much as I did".

" I never wanted…_that_", Sirius said venomously. Will simply raised an eyebrow, and watched as Sirius pulled down his top.

Will stood up, quickly fastened his own fly and approached Sirius. "I know you'll be back. Where else have you got to go?" he smiled in amusement at Sirius' expression as the reality of the situation dawned on him. He reached into his pocket. "Here, take this. Call it a… a payment… for your services tonight." He handed him another small bag of white powder.

Sirius held it for a moment, before pocketing it, a horrible feeling of being used washing over him.

Sirius stood shocked and humiliated, before stumbling home. He looked wretched from the ordeal, but he knew he would be back, just as Will had said. _Where else would I go? What else would I do? What the fuck am I getting into?_

Just as a quick pointer, the italics tend to be thoughts, if that wasn't completely clear. I'm not sure if it was or not. I know that's a bit of a change in the story, but I'm trying to highlight the fact that Sirius is being abused, which leads to why he does what he does later on. I won't say any more.


	9. Chapter 9

I've just realised how bloody long this story is going to be!

Sorry it took so long to write, but I went on a school trip over the pond to America. We went to Huntsville, Alabama, to the Space and Rocket Centre. It was so good, and I really love America. It was so hot, then we got back to England at 3 in the morning and it was about 3ºC. Brrrrrrrrrr! 

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Regulus' point of view 

Sirius got back in the early hours of the morning. I didn't get out of bed to greet him. Whatever he's getting himself into is his own problem.

This morning though, he looked utterly fucked, to be quite honest. His usual pale skin somehow looked paler, and he had dark circles under his eyes, as well as the usual bruises. I bet he can't wait to get back to his blood traitor friends. That Remus isn't too bad, but Potter… I hate him. Hate him.

Mother told Father about Sirius leaving last night, so I'm surprised he hasn't done something to him. I hope he doesn't. I know that Sirius thinks I really dislike him, but that's only when he does stupid things to make our parents angry.

I'm in the library now, looking for a book to help with a Transfiguration essay, and I can hear Sirius playing the piano in the drawing room downstairs. He was always better at it than me. I'm not crap, but he is just naturally talented like that. Another thing he does better than me.

_Bang! _I almost dropped the heavy, hardback book I was scanning in shock. There was a sharp cry of pain. The sound had come from downstairs. It sounded like a box being slammed shut… or a piano lid being closed sharply on someone's fingers.

I froze and listened as hard as I could. I didn't really need to try, because the raised voices were being carried through the floor. I couldn't tell what they were saying, only that Sirius and Father were arguing again. The voices moved into the hall, so I quietly placed the book on the polished table surface and crept to the door which I had left slightly ajar.

The library door is along the hallway from the top of the stairs, and Father's study was directly adjacent to them. From the crack at the edge of the door, I could see Father dragging Sirius roughly up the stairs. Halfway up, Sirius struggled harder and suddenly bit Father's hand, causing him to let out a snarl of pain and release him. I watched in horror as Sirius tottered at the edge of the step, but Father's hand smashed him hard into the wall. Taking advantage of Sirius' dazed state, Father grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and hauled him upstairs.

I think what disturbed me most was the dull look in Sirius' eyes, almost as if this physical punishment wasn't sinking it. He barely reacted as he was thrown into the study, and Father slammed the door behind them both.

Shit. I hoped he would be OK. I stood, straining my ears for any sounds for about two minutes. Finally, I heard a faint scrambling noise, a thud and a grunt of pain. I felt tears prickle in the corners of my eyes. I was terrified of what Father would do to Sirius, what he _was _doing to him, but I was too much of a coward to go in there to stop him.

From behind that solid oak door, came a sharp slapping sound, followed immediately by a low hiss of pain. His sounds kept repeating themselves, and in a sudden horrific flash of understanding, I realised that Sirius was being whipped. Part of me dared not to believe it, but that part of me was stunned into silence after yet another slap and a cry of agony.

I jumped as I heard footsteps coming quickly down the hallway. Mother passed my hiding place in a haze of expensive perfume and rich material. I watched her knock swiftly on the door and enter. In the background, I saw Father place a heavy, leather belt back in the top drawer of his desk and turn to face his wife.

"That should teach him," I heard him say, with a note of satisfaction in his voice. He nodded over to the mantelpiece.

I followed his gaze to a quivering heap on the floor, which I took to be my brother. He was slumped on his knees against the cold, marble exterior of the fireplace, shuddering with breath. There were deep welts in his back caused by the belt buckle, and blood trickled down it in crimson rivulets to be soaked up by the waistband of his jeans.

Father didn't glance back at him, but strode out and down the stairs to what I expected was the drinks cabinet to pour himself a stiff drink. Only one though. Father was a man of strict rules and perfect decorum. I don't think he had ever allowed himself to get drunk in his life.

I reverted my gaze back to Mother, who stood upright and proper, staring down at Sirius. I guessed this was what she was doing, for I could only see the right side of her face, which was contorted into a look of disgust.

"Don't you dare get blood on the carpets," she said clearly, with absolutely no hint of emotion, and with that, she left the room.

End of Regulus' point of view 

Sirius wasn't sure how he made it back to his room. He kept slipping in and out of black pain, which would envelope his whole mind and not leave room for anything else. He was dimly aware of hands grasping him under the arms and pulling him along never ending hallways. He recognised the black marble of his own bathroom and managed to grasp the edge of the bath as he slid to his knees again.

The pain in his back had not faded, but, if anything, had intensified and was now a continuous blare of agony. It throbbed again as he felt cold water searing into the fresh cuts.

His memory was bleary but he wasn't trying to remember. What happened had happened and that was that.

He groaned and felt a glass of cool water touch his lips. He fumbled to hold onto the glass himself and slopped a great deal down his front. The water helped to sharpen his senses slightly, and he finally realised who was helping him.

"What are you doing?"

Regulus looked down at him from where he had been wringing out a blood stained flannel. "What do you mean, what am I going? Helping you obviously." He looked up at the doorway. "Ah, thank you Perkins."

Sirius turned slightly, wincing in pain to hide his back from the butler.

Perkins knelt down next to him to have a closer look. He shook his head slightly at the sight of all the blood. Reaching into the small medical bag he had brought up with him, he withdrew a small bottle of clear liquid.

"It will sting slightly", he warned Sirius, and Regulus passed him the flannel. Perkins pressed the flannel over the open top of the bottle and quickly turned it upside down and back again. Carefully, he daubed the potion onto Sirius' back, trying to ignore the boys terrible flinching.

Regulus watched as the potion sank into his brothers torn skin and before his eyes, the skin rejoined to leave angry red marks.

"It might still scar," Perkins warned. Sirius had visibly relaxed against the bath and the room was silent except for his ragged breathing and Perkins packing away the medical kit. "Try not to move your back excessively. I must go. Mr and Mrs Delacour are over from France and are visiting."

Sirius and Regulus groaned. "I hate them so much. They make us speak in French."

Perkins chuckled at their immaturity as he left, and added, "by the way, Sirius, Mrs Black had asked me to warn you that you too will be expected downstairs, and it I were you, I wouldn't anger your father." He smiled sympathetically and left the room.

Sirius stood unsteadily, stumbled into his bedroom and retrieved a half finished pack of cigarettes from the bottom drawer of his desk. Regulus watched as he pushed up his window and lit a cigarette.

"Why do you do that?"

Sirius exhaled deeply and turned to face him, a wry smile playing across his lips. "It calms me down," he said simply, and turned back to look out at the sunlit garden.

Regulus walked slowly over to the shelves lining the walls either side of the bathroom door. They were stacked with Muggle records from hundreds of artists Regulus had never heard of. He pulled one out at random and read the name of the artist, 'The Ramones'. Another read 'Roxy Music'. "Why don't you listen to wizarding music?"

Sirius looked round again, stubbing out his cigarette on the outside windowsill. "I do," he said, shutting the window, "but Muggle music is better. It's more of a career for them and people put more effort into their music. In the wizarding world, it's more of a last resort, to have a career in music, don't you think? Most people just go into the Ministry. The music isn't as good. In my opinion though," he added.

"Ah," Regulus nodded. It was rare that Sirius had let him stay in his room for that long. A cluttered desk sat between the two grand windows, hung with black silk which matched the covers on his four-poster bed and contrasted dramatically with the silvery grey walls of the room. Bookshelves lined the far wall, but some of these had been taken up with Sirius' record collection. An electric guitar stood in its stand beside a magically enhanced amp, next to the door to the walk in wardrobe. All the main bedrooms in the house had one of these but Sirius' was somehow overflowing. Regulus wasn't even sure if his parents knew that Sirius played the guitar. He was sure they would have destroyed the instrument long ago if they had known.

Sirius had disappeared into his wardrobe to get changed, so in his absence, Regulus looked at the books Sirius had bought over the years. The fiction books were mostly horror or mystery ones, but there were also school books, books about his favourite bands and a few about random artists who Regulus had never heard of, he pulled one out about an artist called Francis bacon and flicked through the prints.

"Do you like them?"

Regulus jumped. He didn't know how long Sirius had been watched him. He had changed into purple skinny jeans, a purposely-clashing florescent yellow T-Shirt and was holding a pair of red Converses. Regulus didn't know how he got the nerve to wear those clothes in front of their parents, or pin up those posters, or generally act the way he did all the time.

He looked back down at the images in the book. "No, not really. They're a bit..."

Gruesome?" Sirius smiled. "I didn't expect you to like them."

"Why not?"

Sirius shrugged and sat down on the edge of his bed to pull on his trainers. He didn't actually mind Regulus being in his bedroom for once. He wasn't too bad on his own, without his friends.

"Where are you going anyway?"

On the other hand, he did have an annoying habit of asking too many questions. "Just out quickly. Don't _worry_, you don't need to worry _all the bloody time_."

To Regulus, he just sounded like a condescending older brother. "God Sirius, someone had got to worry about you!" he snapped, closing the book and replacing it one the shelf.

Sirius stared at him. _Why, the little shit! _"What the hell did you mean by that?" he spat. Regulus didn't even have the decency to look embarrassed.

"Look at you! You're falling apart completely. Don't look at me like that! Everyone can see it. You look ill, sick., all the time. You've lost weight too. I'm not sure what to do anymore because I swear you _like _fighting with mother and father. You don't do anything to stop it, do you? Don't you see, if you don't worry for you, no one will and someone needs to!"

Sirius stood up angrily. "How dare you! You don't know what it feels like to have to live here and be part of this family when you're hated and loathed by everyone. Every morning I'm here, I wake up wanting to die. You're loved by everyone, the perfect little Slytherin. Oh, don't worry, I'm not jealous. I managed to escape it."

"Hardly," Regulus scathingly pointed out.

Sirius let out what sounded like a growl of anger and stormed out of the room.

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Sirius was lost in thought whilst marching angrily from the tube station to Mark's rundown flat. How dare Regulus accuse him of falling apart? The little shit! And Ok, his jeans were slightly loser and he was more tired than usual, but that was only because of having to live with his parents. None of it was his fault.

He only stopped at Mark's house for about five minutes. Ritz was there, with a few randomers and Mark said he hadn't seen Julia for a few days. Sirius was glad Will wasn't there. He hadn't seen him since… the _incident_ and Sirius hoped he wouldn't bump into him whilst searching for more drugs. He had been panicking about how he was going to keep a supply of drugs up at Hogwarts, and as he didn't know any wizards who could keep him supplied, he decided he would have to stock up as much as he could and try to make it last until half term. The only problem was, this was the last night before they were due to leave for Hogwarts and Mark had only been able to supply him with a pitiful amount of cocaine. And as for heroine, he dreaded to think how he'd be able to stay afloat in that happy high he was almost always in whilst trying to study for his OWLs.

He headed for Soho and ducked into several dodgy looking clubs. Tempted to stay in the smoky gloom of the last one, he fought his way out empty handed after spotting Jack, a man Will had introduced him to. Sirius had been impressed with him due to the fact that he had been shooting speed for so long he had run out of veins on his arms which were working properly. Sirius didn't have time to stop and chat, so he made his way back out into the warm summer night.

He pushed past the people strolling home or just starting out for the night, until suddenly, someone grabbed his arm and pulled him down a side alley.

"What the fuck-!"

"Shhhhh."

Sirius felt a finger pressed against his lips and managed to make out the excited face of Will through the darkness. His eyes glinted dangerously as he pushed himself up to Sirius and whispered, "I hope you haven't been avoiding me Sirius?"

Sirius gulped. "Er, no… I was just, um…" he gulped again, "looking for some crack. I'm going tomorrow you see." He looked down.

"I can give you whatever you want," Will murmured.

Sirius wasn't entirely sure whether he was talking about the cocaine or something different but he decided it was better not to ask. He opened his mouth to ask for whatever Will had on him but was cut off by Will's mouth crashing down on his own. He forced his mouth open and savagely forced his tongue inside while bringing a hand up to caress Sirius' hair.

Shocking himself, Sirius felt himself drawn in by the kiss and began to kiss him back just as hard, forcing all the loneliness and desperation he felt inside into it.

Will pulled away, smiled and pushed a large package into Sirius inside jacket pocket. "Be a good boy at school and don't get into any trouble," he said mockingly in a false baby voice, reminding Sirius scarily of Bellatrix. And then he was gone.

Still slightly shocked by what he had just done to get the drugs he needed, Sirius brushed himself down and made his way home.

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Whoop whoop! Finally, this chapter has taken me so long to complete because I went off to America plus I had a stupid amount of homework to do. But that's all done and so it this for the moment. A lot more to come though. Thanks to all my reviewers, especially MilyMB for offering me help when I need it.

Oh, and I'm not really sure whether Francis Bacon was painting when this was set but I thought it would be the type of art Sirius would be in to.


	10. Chapter 10

Thanks for all your reviews, especially MilyMB. Sorry it has taken so long to update (again) but I've had exams. Oh the pressure… lol!

One thing, Andie is Andromeda, in case you don't get that.

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The platform of nine and three quarters was heaving with countless teary parents, excited teenagers and noisy pets, screeching and meowing in distress, as Sirius and Regulus appeared on the other side of the barrier. They had said a formal farewell to their parents that morning, Regulus receiving a kiss from their Mother, Sirius a disappointed shake of the head. Their Father simply ignored Sirius, who didn't mind in the slightest. He had got used to the hurt of being ignored by his parent's years before and it no longer bothered him. Much.

Perkins accompanied them to the station along with Kreacher, who levitated the boy's trunks high in the air in front of them, laughing evilly as people jumped out of the way in fright.

"Where would Master Regulus like me to leave his luggage?" he simpered.

Regulus looked around for his friends. "Uh…"

"There's Andie," Sirius pointed out, nodding his head in her direction. "Hey!" he shouted over, turning a few heads, but luckily hers too. She smiled and went to greet them, leaving Narcissa by an open carriage door.

"Sirius!" she cried, hugging him tightly. "How are you?" There was a something a little too knowing in her eyes which worried Sirius.

"I'm fine," he said shortly.

Andie didn't pursue the subject but greeted Regulus just as warmly as Lucius and Narcissa appeared over her shoulder.

"Sirius," Lucius greeted, not coldly, but the sneer was still there.

He was in the year above Sirius and Andie at school, the same as Bella, whilst Narcissa and Regulus were two years younger. Many people had commented on how strange that the vast majority of the English pureblood children were all born within four years of each other.

Perkins tapped Sirius on the arm. "I must be getting back now, your mother will be expecting me." He smiled at both of the boy's. "Have a good school year," he said and left them, squeezing Sirius' arm in friendship before he left.

"So, Sirius," Lucius purred, turning his back on the girls, who were busy discussing something irrelevant and gossipy with Regulus, who surprisingly liked that sort of thing. "Did you read the Prophet recently?"

Sirius smiled knowingly. He knew exactly what Lucius was talking about. It had been reported recently that shares in gold and Goblin made silver had risen by twenty percent. Lucius grinned in delight as well. They had both inherited their father's interest in shares and economical news, something which James constantly teased Sirius about as in every Sunday edition of the Prophet he would skip to the banking section without even glancing at the headline news. He had explained countless times that his whole future was tied up in those little numbers, and if he prices crashed, the Blacks would lose millions.

Happy to finally have found someone to discuss this with (there was no way on earth he was going to voluntarily open up a discussion with his father) Sirius plunged into deep financial chat with his cousin, earning strange looks from surrounding people who caught snippets of their conversation.

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Remus' point of view. 

I found Peter and James straight away after leaving my parents. They were near the far end of the train, chatting about their holidays. As soon as James saw me, he bounded over happily and gave me a huge bear hug. I really must tell Lily how cuddly he is. He'd kill me.

"Get off me James," I laughed. "Hi Peter. How was the holiday?" He'd been dragged off to visit relatives in Ireland. I think his facial expression summed it up. I laughed, glad to be back again.

James was scanning the crown. "I haven't seen Sirius yet. It's five to. He's not usually this late." He stood on his tiptoes, grabbing onto the second year in front to stop over balancing. "Oh… sorry," he said as the girl blushed and ran off. "I'm really- hey! There he is!" he shouted. "Sirius! SIRIUS!"

"For goodness sake James, Shut up! You've got absolutely no pride." Peter grinned, shaking his head in James' direction.

James stood up normally again. "He's coming now. He was really engrossed in a conversation with that dick, Lucius Malfoy." He looked slightly disgusted.

Sirius arrived, squeezing between a tearful mother and her daughter, who both glared at him as he drifted over, in no hurry. As he got closer, I noticed a bruise, half covered by his sweeping fringe.

"SIRIUS!" James roared, loud enough for an owl belonging to a tiny first year to screech and flap its wings in fright. Sirius smiled, but it never reached his eyes. "So, how did you get that bruise?"

James was never one for being subtle or avoiding awkward situations. Today was no exception.

"I walked into the wrong side of an open door," Sirius replied, the ghost of a grin gracing his lips.

"A tad predictable," James asked. "I swear you did that last year."

Sirius shrugged. "I live in a very confusing house." Kreacher coughed, from where he had been standing behind Sirius, levitating his trunk. "Oh, in that one," Sirius muttered to him, gesturing to the compartment we had taken.

There was an odd silence, no one sure about whether to change the subject.

"So," Peter said brightly. "Anyone see any Quidditch in the holidays?" Trust Peter to save the conversation. Good old Wormy. I didn't join in, seeing as I hate the sport and believe whole-heartedly that it only causes division and arguments but the others loved it.

Sirius wasn't joining in as much as usual. I took the opportunity to study him. He looked slightly thinner and more drawn than he did when I bumped into him in Diagon Alley. There were shadows under his eyes, his hair was unkempt (although I think that's just his dress sense) and the fading mark of a split lip. To be honest, it looked as if he had been in a fight. He looked up at me, so I quickly smiled and looked away, embarrassed.

000000000000 (End of Remus' point of view)

The whistle blew, so James said goodbye to his parents and Peter to his and they all got on the train, last minute, as usual. Sirius sat by the window opposite Peter, Remus left to joint the prefects in their compartment so James took the seat by the door.

The train pulled out of the station and Sirius' stomach leapt with relief at finally being among those he felt safe with. James pulled out a pack of exploding snap cards, Sirius pulled out a magazine in response so James turned to Peter to play, rolling his eyes. Sirius looked out of the window, as London flashed past… then the surrounding countryside. The compartment lights came on about half way into the journey just as Remus got back form the prefect meeting.

"Got a cold, Sirius?" Remus asked, sitting down opposite James.

Sirius sat up from where he'd been slumped against the window. "Hmmmm? Yeah, a bit." He glanced at the clock and stood up shakily. "I'm just going to go to the toilet. Back in a minute," he said and closed the sliding door behind him.

Remus went back to his book, and James and Peter continued playing gobstones, having tired of exploding snap quite quickly. They were talking about why Puddlemere United had dropped ten points in the league tables and finishing off some snacks bought from the food trolley.

"Do you think Sirius has been acting oddly?" Remus asked, taking the opportunity while Sirius was gone.

"Yes," Peter said at once, exactly at the same time as James went, "No, why?" They looked at each other and laughed.

"Why do you think he's acting oddly?" James asked, taking a large bite out of his fifth pumpkin pasty.

"Well," Peter said, moving a gobstone, "I thought he looked tired and a bit ill, but that might just be me because I've spent the whole miserable holiday stuck in a house with my great uncles and aunts."

Remus smiled. "I thought that too, he's more distracted and a hell of a lot quieter."

James looked puzzled. "I haven't noticed any of that! His jeans are a lot tighter but that's about it."

"For fuck sake James!" Said Peter, laughing. "You're always going on about his jeans! Let him wear them!"

Remus coughed. "I think we're straying slightly from the point-" he began but couldn't finish because Sirius slid open the door again and paused as the conversation abruptly stopped and the other three looked at him, James squinting his eyes slightly as though trying to see something on him.

"Errrrr…" he said, and closed the door again. As he sat down Remus kicked James' leg and glared at him for being so obvious. "What were you talking about?" Sirius asked suspiciously. Actually, Remus thought (and when he mentioned it later to Peter, he agreed) that Sirius looked more relaxed, with more colour in his face.

"Puddlemere United," James said quickly. "Why do you think they've dropped ten points?" And so, much to Remus' annoyance, the conversation returned once again to Quidditch.

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It was dark as the train ploughed on through the countryside, the lights of villages occasionally visible in the distance.

There was a knock at the door and a red headed girl, about their age dressed in Hogwarts robes opened it, looking around for Remus.

"Hello Lily!" James said brightly, staring at her and sitting a little straighter. Peter and Sirius glanced at each other, Sirius hiding a smirk behind his magazine.

She ignored him. "Remus, you're meant to remind everyone to get changes now. We're going to get there in about fifteen minutes."

"Oh, right… well, get dressed you lot," he said half-heartedly. Sirius snorted and went back to the article he was reading.

Lily stood in the doorway for a few more seconds before growing uncomfortable under James' constant gaze. She turned round and marched off.

"I love you!" James shouted after her.

"Piss off!" They heard in the distance.

Remus stood up and pulled out his robes and soon the others followed suit. Sirius and James' were hand tailored to fit their figures, made of softer and lighter material. Peter and Remus stared at them in pretend hatred before sniffing and putting their own on, like they did on the first day of every school year.

The train pulled into the station and the four boys pushed out onto the platform, squeezing through hoards of students to get to the carriages.

"Ah, it's nice to be back," said James as they were jostled and bumped up to the castle which loomed over them, "even if we have to put up with this complete _square_ this year." He glared at Remus' prefect badge. Remus ignored him.

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That night, Sirius lay in bed until he heard the steady breathing of Remus and James, and the low snores of Peter. Quietly, he crept out of bed to the bathroom, and closed the door before turning the light on. He pulled a small back of cocaine out of his pocket and lined some up on the toilet seat. Inhaling it deeply, he felt his heart speed up and then settle again. Breathing in relief, he climbed back into bed again, not before hiding the precious plastic bag under his mattress.

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Finally, another chapter done, so tell me what you think and I'll try and get another one or maybe two up before Christmas.


	11. Chapter 11

The first week back at Hogwarts was interesting for many reasons.

The first was that the Marauders accidentally found another secret passage, this time between the second floor and the fifth floor because Peter yawned and lent on one of those pretend doors, which this time actually opened. Sirius, being the only one who could draw, added on this new discovery to the map they had begun the year before.

"Two days in and we've found this!" gloated James that evening. "Looks like it's going to be an interesting year." He caught Sirius' eye and they both cackled evilly. Remus rolled his eyes.

The second was interesting, but not that unexpected as Sirius received his first howler of the year. He barely appeared to notice their cruel words sent from his mother anymore. "-toe the line this year!" The howler burst into flame, littering Sirius' breakfast with ash.

He simply opened the Daily Prophet and took a fresh piece of toast, ignoring the craning necks of the new first years who weren't yet used to this common spectacle and wanted to see the 'disrespectful, inconsiderate boy' for themselves.

The third was that he and James earned their first detention thirty-four minutes exactly into Transfiguration on Monday morning. James said it must have been a school record, prompting Remus to reply that that wasn't anything to be proud of.

The forth was only interesting to Sirius, as on Wednesday, he ran out of cocaine and heroine, which he would light over some foil from a chocolate frog wrapper and inhale in the almost always empty ground floor toilets. He managed to get through Wednesday morning and some of the afternoon shivering and complaining of the 'flu' until Professor McGonagall, tired of his constant sniffing, sent him up to Madame Pomfrey. He never got there, but instead collapsed n a shaking wreck onto his bed in the boy's dormitories. It was there, whilst shivering in miserable agony that he realised there was an answer and that it was just down the corridor.

Opening one bleary eye to glance at Peters Muggle luminous alarm clock, he saw that he had only two minutes until the Muggle Studies students on the seventh floor would leave their classes. Standing up painfully, he stumbled down the spiral staircase and out into the corridor to the bare stretch of wall which masked the entrance to the Room of Requirement.

Sirius passed it three times, chanting, "I want cocaine and heroine… I want cocaine and heroine…" over and over again in his head.

Nothing happened. In desperation, Sirius tried again. There was no door. It seemed the room had some limitations.

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It was Professor Monroe who had found Sirius as she left her class early to find some spare parchment in the supply office. He was sat hunched on a bench halfway down the seventh floor corridor.

"Excuse me! What are you doing out of class?" she called as she strode towards him. "Ah, Mr Black."

He didn't seem to have heard her, and it was not when she was about tem metres away that she saw he was shaking slightly, staring listlessly at a blank stretch of wall across the corridor from him.

"Mr Black?" She stopped a few feet away from him.

There was no answer. He just let out a low, guttural moan as though in pain and continued to breath heavily.

Professor Monroe crouched in front of him, worried, and grasped his shoulders firmly. His eyes slid to her face and then looked back over her shoulder as though he wasn't really aware she was there. She quickly slipped her wand out of her pocket and muttered a spell which sent a white spark whizzing off down the stairs. It was an alarm to Madame Pomfrey for her assistance.

When she arrives, she took a quick look at Sirius and gestured for Monroe to help her support him. Between them, they managed to get him down to the hospital wing and into a bed.

The hospital wing was empty except for one occupied bed opposite Sirius'. A boy about his age, with mud brown hair and a slim build, who was dressed in Ravenclaw colours lay back, propped up against some pillows and watched as Sirius was brought in. the boy had a scar running from the middle of his cheek to his hair which was grown long like Sirius'. In fact, he was relatively good friends with Sirius since third year when they had both been given a detention together for wearing black converses instead of normal leather school shoes.

He watched as Professor Monroe left and Madame Pomfrey fussed over Sirius until she went through the door at the far end which was the medicine cupboard. After waiting a moment, he slid off the bed and approached Sirius, a smile on his face.

"What the fucks wrong with you?"

Sirius stared at him from the bed with glazed eyes and didn't reply.

The boy tilted his head sideways, as though thinking deeply. Suddenly he gasped in understanding and pointed at him accusingly, whispering loudly, "You're-"

Sirius punched him to make him shut up. "Matt, what the hell are you doing."

Matt raised an eyebrow. "You just confirmed it. Well," he added slowly, checking his fingernails, "when did _this _happen."

Sirius snorted and turned away, staring off down the ward ignoring his trembling body. _He just wants me to admit I'm in withdrawal. Idiot. _He sank back into the black void of no drugs, hating every second of it.

"I could help you out you know mate."

Sirius' head snapped round and he stared hard at Matt, trying to work out if he was telling the truth or not. "You…?"

"No! Well, occasionally." He smiled evilly, enjoying the power he held over Sirius. "But Josh knows every contact you need to get anything into this school. He's been supplying the Hufflepuff seventh year with pot all last year."

Sirius felt his breathing quicken in anticipation. His eyes brightened and he licked his lips. "How-"

"Matthew Jones! Leave that boy alone right this minute!" Madame Pomfrey was marching angrily up the gap between the beds. "He needs rest and you should be gone. Get out and go back to lesson two. You clearly have no headache now!" he snorted and pushed him out of the way to look at Sirius.

Matt slipped out of the door, grinning secretly at Sirius before the door slammed shut. Sirius stared at the door. His last chance was walking away. _How the hell do I know which class Josh is in now? _He swung his legs off the bed and stood up, grabbing onto the bed-side table for support. He was shaking terribly, his breath coming in short sharp gasps. He started to unsteadily run to the door.

"Mr Black!" Madame Pomfrey shrieked. "Where on earth are you going?"

Sirius didn't have the energy to answer so just opened the door and ran down the corridor and down the stairs in the vague direction of the Charms classrooms where he knew the Ravenclaws were being taught. He ran staggering round the corner and saw Matt emerging from the boy's toilet. He saw him and smiled in relief. "Matt!" he stopped in front of him, leaning on the wall for support. "Where's Josh?"

"Holy shit, you're a bit desperate," he answered.

"Fuck off. Where is he, you piece of piss?" Sirius was getting seriously annoyed. Didn't Matt realise what a rush he was in?

Matt laughed and put on a gruff voice. "Nice to have you back, son," he said, slapping Sirius on the back. He ignored Sirius scowl. "Er… in Divination, I think. Yeah, he definitely is."

Sirius sighed in relief and then realised now many flights of stairs he had to climb. "Matt, I can't make it up there. I'm shaking so badly I could barely walk here."

Matt bit his cheek. "I could go up there for you, but it'll cost you."

"I'll give you anything you want."

"Alright then. Sit in the forth cubicle from the door in there loos and wait there. I'll be about ten, fifteen minutes at the most." He smiled briefly and disappeared up the corridor.

Sirius sat on the floor in his cubicle and rested his throbbing head on the closed toilet seat. The loo roll swam in front of his eyes so he clenched them shut. The drip of the tap rang louder and louder in his ears until he wrapped his arms around his head and moaned softly until his misery was interrupted by someone banging loudly on the door.

"Sirius? Sirius!" Matt shouted. "I'm pushing this under the door. I'll chase you up later and so will Josh." He dropped a small bag of white powder on the floor and nudged it under the door with his toe. "Cheerio," he called from the toilet door in a mock posh voice, taking the piss out of Sirius as a final goodbye and shut the door behind him.

Sirius seized the bag with shaking hands and lined up one pinch on the toilet seat. Taking a large breath, he snorted one up… and then another. Sighing in bliss, he sunk back against the cubicle wall and grinned in relaxation. After snorting one more line, he exited the cubicle and sorted out his dishevelled appearance in the mirror. Whilst straightening out his collar, the door opened and a tiny first year entered, took one look at the older boy, let out a squeak and ran out again. Sirius laughed followed the boy out.

He slipped into his Potions class fifteen minutes late and was glad to see that James had grabbed his bag for him. He sat down next to him and watched James struggle to cut up his Grindelow heart until he finally realised that Sirius was sitting there.

"Did Pomfrey give you something for your cold?" he asked before stirring the potion he was brewing five times anticlockwise and tipping in the heart.

"Yeah," Sirius answered, glad to have been supplied with an excuse. He glanced up to the black board. "A remedy for a broken heart?" he read in disgust.

James flinched in agreement. "I know. Eight different typed of heart have to go into this bloody potion and you've missed having to help me cut up one of them." He was always in a bad mood in Potions so Sirius decided to let him rant and instead started to copy up the notes he had missed.

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Chapter 11, all nice and done. Thank you MilyMB for hurrying me up! I'll try not to take too long with the next one.


	12. Chapter 12

Thanks so much for the reviews.

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Shock.

That was all he felt.

Right to the core.

Shit.

There was no going back from this.

He was sitting on his bed, the fateful letter clutched in his sweaty hand. It could change his entire life.

They had been back for nearly a month now; Quidditch practices had started up, James as Chaser and Sirius as Beater. Life was almost normal again except for Sirius. Matt had been right. Josh, a sixth year Ravenclaw was able to meet Sirius' demands and luckily he never asked questions. And Remus had stopped looking at him strangely. He had earned his forth detention, got into his first fight with the Slytherins and received his first O of the year for a Charms essay. And now this - fuck.

He looked back over the shakily written letter. It was from Julia.

It was possible for unknowing Muggles to contact Wizards at Hogwarts. They would send their letters to the false address of a made up school and they would be redirected to the wizarding school instead. Sirius had given her the address before their argument. It turned out she had actually kept it then.

Phrases leapt of the page at him _I don't know how this could have happened… pregnant…yours…_ He clutched the letter limply in his hand and slowly processed what he had just read. Julia was pregnant… and it was his. She said there was no doubt about it. She didn't ask for help or to say sorry, just to deliver the horrifying news.

Suddenly, the door opened gently and someone entered and put some heavy sounding objects down on the second bed from the door. It was Remus then, Sirius guessed and the heavy objects were probably library books. "Sirius?" Yes, it was Remus' voice.

Sirius didn't have the strength to answer.

Remus edged round the edge of Sirius bed, worry lines creasing his face. "Sirius? What's wrong?" He glanced from Sirius distraught face to the letter in his hand and sat down on the bed next to him. "May I…?" He pointed to the letter.

Sirius gave it to him and put his head on his hands, resting his elbows on his knees whilst Remus quickly read and re-read the letter.

"Oh," he murmured. "Oh Sirius, how on _earth _did this happen?"

"I don't know," Sirius muttered, his voice muffled by his hands. He sat up and looked Remus in the eye, an awkward habit he had. "Remus, what the hell am I going to do? What can I do to get out of this mess?"

Remus shook his head, shocked at this turn of events. He felt desperately sorry for Sirius who looked like he was thinking of throwing himself off the astronomy tower. "Sirius, you're so _stupid_!" He half smiled at his friend's shocked expression. "I mean come on Sirius! You're not even sixteen and you've got a girl pregnant. And who is this Julia?"

Sirius smiled sadly. "My girlfriend I suppose. She's a Muggle and absolutely gorgeous, but we had an argument. And now this."

Remus nodded slowly, baffled at how sexually experienced Sirius was. He took the opportunity to ask the question he, James and Peter had been dieing to ask for ages. "Um… how old were you… err… when you had sex for the first time?" He asked slowly.

Sirius shuffled uncomfortably and mumbled something.

"What was that?"

Sirius bit his lip and said slightly clearer, "well, I was _nearly_ fourteen." He avoided Remus' eyes and looked at James' boxers on the floor.

"What!" Remus yelped.

"Look Remus, that doesn't matter now, does it. What the fuck am I going to do about the mess I'm in now? You need to help me!" he begged.

Remus went over to his bedside table and collected a Muggle biro, a paper pad and a book to lean on and gave them to Sirius. He sat back down. "You need to write back to her and tell her how you feel. If you're scared think how she feels. Tell her what you want to do." He looked questioningly at Sirius, who nibbled the end of the pen. "Please don't do that," he added.

"Always the stationary freak," Sirius commented, ignoring Remus' scowl. He wrote '_Dear Julia_,' and stopped. "I don't know what I think. Just shock."

"That's not going to be much help to her, is it? Tell her that you will support her no matter what she chooses to do."

Sirius nodded and wrote a few lines. He looked up, confused. "Hang on, what if… what if she… you know… gets _rid_ of it?"

"Then you won't support her?"

"No!" Sirius looked angry at the mere thought. "Remus," he said slowly, "my mother has had four miscarriages and they have all been awful for the whole family. I could never support her if she did that."

Remus mentally kicked himself for forgetting that Sirius had lost siblings, one only the year before when his mum miscarried at seven months. "Right," he said shortly. Sorry."

"It's Ok," Sirius muttered, adding a few more lines to the letter and signing it. "Hey, don't tell the others about this. They won't understand."

Remus smiled in agreement. "You'd better get that posted quickly. You've got to be at the Quidditch pitch in forty-five minutes."

Sirius smiled sadly although he felt slightly better about the situation as long as he didn't think about the future too much. "Thank you so much Remus," he said quietly and left for the Owlery.

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The good thing about heroin was that it really relaxed Sirius although it was more awkward for him to take. He had stopped injecting after he left for Hogwarts but smoked it instead. Only in the evenings though. A month into the autumn term, he had developed a routine of nipping to the toilets between lessons to sniff a line of cocaine which was quicker and cleaner to take. And if he acted differently or more normally so he thought, no one would notice anyway because he always had had an extremely erratic mood anyway.

After slipping out of the forth floor toilettes he had only taken a few steps down the deserted corridor when suddenly someone slammed into him and pushed him into a deserted music practice room. The door slammed shut and Sirius was thrown back against the stone wall. It was Rodulphus accompanied by two slow looking Slytherins. Sirius recognised one as something Crabbe because he had been forced by Professor Slughorn to work with him on a Potions project. The other he only knew by sight but he didn't look bright either.

"Your father wrote to me _especially_ Sirius," he sneered, tossing his black hair over one shoulder.

Sirius narrowed his eyes "Why should I care?"

Rodulphus raised an eyebrow in mock surprise at Sirius' reaction. He was about the same height as Sirius but his face was paler and narrower and his eyes were closer together giving him a pinched look. "He asked me to make sure his wayward son toed the line. In my opinion he should have disowned you already after Bellatrix let him know, quite rightly, about the scum you spend time with. As though the shame of being a Griffindore is not bad enough."

Sirius pushed him roughly as though to walk out and was slammed back into the wall by the boy named Crabbe. His head spun painfully so he blinked and tried to ignore it. "I did not _choose_to be placed in Griffindore as I have explained many times before, but since being there I have realised it is a much finer house than Slytherin."

Rodulphus punched Sirius soundly in the mouth and his two friends grabbed him to prevent him from fighting back. Sirius struggled aimlessly as blood trickled down his chin.

"If you are finished insulting your family I would like to pass on my message." He waited until Sirius was still again. "He said that we, your cousins, are to make sure you behave more respectfully this year and do not drag the family name through any more shit than you already have. If you do however, we can do what ever we chose to stop you." His eyes glinted in anticipation. He knew as well as Sirius' father that he would not change his behaviour at all.

Sirius fumed inwardly, but his anger must have shown on his face because Rodulphus added, "Uncles order. Now be a good boy and behave." He patted Sirius mockingly on the head and left the room closely followed by the two idiots.

Sirius let out a scream of anger at the closed door and wiped the blood off his chin. This was just an excuse for him to be beaten up whenever his cousins chose and there were much more of them than him. With James he stood a chance but alone he was simply a punch bag. It seemed that his idea of Hogwarts being a sanctuary was over. Checking his puffed up lip in the mirror he left the room and ran up to the dormitory to change his shirt.

On the way, it suddenly dawned on Sirius just how much shit he was in. He felt that everything which had been good in his life had been shattered. Julia. His family. And now he couldn't even go two hours without some filthy drug in his system. He constantly felt his temper near the surface and often snapped at people for the most stupid things. He was like a coil of wire wound so tightly that he knew it wouldn't be long before he snapped or exploded. And it would be awful when that happened.

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How quick did I upload that chapter! A monumental chapter is coming up soon so it will take a while to write to make it good. There is a little hint there at the end!


	13. Chapter 13

People were glancing at him in the corridor… or were they? Was it all in his mind? The snide whispering, the quick glances sideways as he passed or was it just in his head? Was he finally going mad? He felt like it.

"Sirius, pass the ink," whispered Remus during Transfiguration. He had evidently run out and was impatient to keep scribbling down the notes Professor McGonagall was magicing up on the board.

Sirius pushed his between them gloomily and carried on doodling on the corner of his page, his mind elsewhere. Remus went back to hastily copying down the notes. Sirius glanced to the front of the class where James had been moved for talking to see him actually doing work too, probably due to the OWLs at the end of the year.

"So the use of anticlockwise wand movements traditionally…" McGonagall's voice bored through his skull and was eventually drowned out by his own musings. _Julia hasn't written back. I hope she's not doing anything stupid. _Worry gnawed at his gut. _If Father ever found out… I'd be fucking dead. _He drew a stickman hanging from the top of his page. _Oh fuck him. I don't care anymore. _He sniffed deeply earning a look of disgust from the girl sitting across the aisle from him. He winked and watched her blush and try to concentrate on her work again. Two minutes until the bell to break. Then he would make an excuse to go to the toilet or to collect some parchment or something…

He yawned just as McGonagall looked up, clearly finished reading from the notes in front of her. She removed her glassed and sighed. "Mr Black, seeing as you obviously don't have anything better to do, I would like to have a word with you at the end of class."

James turned round fully in his chair to send an exaggerated sigh in Sirius direction and then grinning.

"Mr Potter," McGonagall snapped, irritated. "Sit round and shut up."

A few people snorted with laughter as the bell rang in the corridor outside. As the class filed out, Sirius dragged himself up to the front desk.

"Mr Black," McGonagall said, waiting until James, the last one out of the classroom, had shut the door behind him. "I am very displeased with your effort so far this year. No! Don't roll your eyes like that! This is very serious. This is your OWL year." 

Sirius stared at her dully in the eye. This tactic usually flustered any other teacher but not Professor McGonagall. She simply told him his standards must improve or he wouldn't reach his expected O grade. At least that was the gist of it- Sirius had zoned out by then. He was aware of her dismissing him so he left to join his friends only to find they were gone. Sirius presumed they had been moved on by a teacher and quickly slipped into the bathroom.

Glaring menacingly at a skinny second year boy washing his hands until he slipped hurriedly out down the corridor. With only about ten minutes left of break, Sirius quickly measured out several lines of coke, and after making sure he was alone, snorted them one after the other. The effect was immediate. He visibly relaxed; his hand stopped fidgeting and lay still and his heart slowed. Feeling much better, he gathered up his bag, slung it over his head and left the bathroom.

The door opened and Lucius entered, accompanied with Snape. Sirius glared at them, especially at Snape. _Following Lucius around again, you little dick. _

Lucius smirked at Sirius. "Ah, here's little baby Sirius. He still needs to be taught how to behave by his parents," he added to Snape.

The blood drained from his face. _What is he talking about? He can't know! And if he has told Snape... _However, the confused look on Snape's face told him that he didn't have a clue about what Lucius had just said. He merely listened, delighted at the way Lucius was making Sirius uncomfortable.

"Get out of my way Malfoy," Sirius snapped and attempted to push past but was roughly thrown back again by Lucius. He would have been scared but seeing as he was exactly the same height as Lucius and they had the same slight physical builds, he knew that a fight between them could swing either way.

"Something hit a nerve, has it?" Lucius sneered. He obviously knew.

Sirius didn't answer but clenched his fists in fury. If the idiot let something slip then he decided he would murder him in that bathroom. _And Snape too. Then no one will ever know that I can't even stand up to my own family. They'll never know how weak again._

"Why? Because you have shown a weakness. A mighty Black has shown a weakness? It can't be true!" He added sarcastically.

Sirius knew that he should just ignore him and walk away. He knew that Lucius wouldn't say anything in case it damaged his uncle's reputation but if Snape worked it out… which he would.

Lucius let a humourless smile grace his lips. "Don't worry young Sirius. When you go home for Christmas, I'm sure your father will for-"

_Smack!_ Sirius punched him squarely in the jaw, just to shut him up. He didn't know what he was going to have said, but he didn't want to find out. Lucius reeled back, clutching his jaw momentarily in shock before snarling angrily and shoving Sirius back into the wall where the towel handle dug painfully into the base of his back.

"Too _painful _to hear? You must be so ashamed," he snarled spitefully before punching Sirius hard.

Sirius felt blood streaming down his lips and chin and onto his shirt. Touching his nose gingerly, he looked Lucius in the eye and grabbed his hair, swinging his head round and slamming it into the wall.

Snape backed away to the door; alarmed at the two boys who were filled with so much hate they were taking it out on each other, trying to hurt each other as much as possible.

Lucius slammed Sirius' head into the mirror, where it shattered all over the floor, just as the bathroom door slammed open to reveal a joyful Filch in the doorway.

"Well well, what have we here then?" His eyes slid from the glass on the floor to Sirius and Lucius' wrecked faces. Lucius let go of Sirius who spat out a mouthful of blood and straightened up. "Come with me," he almost cackled, shuffling out into the corridor and ushering the boys along to the Transfiguration office. He knocked and entered.

Professor McGonagall looked up in horror at the blood soaked boys who were pushed reluctantly in front of her. Sirius' nose and lip was still bleeding steadily onto his shirt. Lucius had a dark bruise developing across the left side of his face where Sirius had slammed him into the wall. Snape hovered uneasily by the door, clearly not sure if he was meant to be there.

McGonagall stood up slowly. "Filch, please escort Mr Snape and Mr Malfoy down to Horace's office. They are in his house so he can deal with them, not me."

Lucius and Snape followed Filch out quietly and the door snapped shut.

There was silence in the office. Sirius looked anywhere except at the teacher herself.

"Sit down Mr Black," McGonagall muttered and sat to.

Sirius perched on the edge of his chair uncomfortably.

McGonagall handed him a box of tissues so he could wipe some blood off his face. He took some gratefully and gingerly dabbed at his hairline where the broken mirror had cut him badly.

McGonagall watched him sadly for a moment before speaking. "Who started it?"

"Me," Sirius answered truthfully. McGonagall raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"Why?"

"He insulted me." Sirius didn't go into it further.

McGonagall straightened her robes. "What did he say?"

Sirius paused. "I can't tell you."

"You can't or won't?"

He paused again. "I can't".

McGonagall offered him to bin where he dumped the used tissues and continued. "I will respect your wishes for the moment but it this carries on I will have to inspect further. You can – not," she emphasised the words heavily, "act like this at school. You need to concentrate on work and try to settle dispute in a civil manner like adults."

Sirius sniffed and looked at his lap. He generally liked McGonagall and knew she was worried about her. If only he could tell her about his treatment at home. He found he actually wanted to, but stayed silent. No one could ever know.

McGonagall could see that he had understood her words and just hoped he would act on them. " Now, you must go straight to Madame Pomfrey and fix some of those cuts before they get infected. Go straight there and don't dawdle. You can have the rest of the morning off."

Sirius smiled and got up. McGonagall offered him a ginger newt before he left which he declined and then he was gone.

In the hospital wing, Madame Pomfrey fussed over him, pulling out several shards of glass imbedded in his hairline by hand before quickly healing his many cuts. She put strong lotion on his bruises with a promise that they would be gone by morning and sent him on his way.

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It was that night when everything went spectacularly wrong.

It was the night of the full moon, so Remus had gone to the hospital wing at about seven in time to get down to the Shrieking Shack before it was dark. James and Peter were playing exploding snap in the common room, counting down until they could sneak out with Sirius after Remus.

Sirius sat quietly, staring at the fire unblinkingly. In his head, he could hear Lucius' taunting words; _you must be so ashamed_, playing over and over again, to be drowned out by his father's words. _You are a shame on our blood… must be so ashamed… no son of mine…ashamed…"_ the voices grew louder and to Sirius, it felt as though the flames were getting hotter, leaping higher. And suddenly, they were there. His parents… spiteful and punishing… Regulus' face… _poor stupid _Regulus_. He had never done anything wrong. But had been brainwashed_. Sirius' heart thudded louder in his chest. He could hear it in his ears. Louder and louder it grew, mingling with those he had once loved voices. Julia's face… his unanswered letter, pleading for her not to do anything stupid… Will. He had got him hooked on drugs. It was his entire fault. _No, it's mine. What would I honestly do without them? I couldn't get through the day. Not now…_

His eyes opened with a start. James and were looking at him, alarmed.

"You alright mate?" Someone said. Sirius wasn't aware who. He pushed himself unsteadily to his feet and wove his way through the common room and out of the portrait hall. No one followed him out. Thank God. The cool breeze in the corridor played about his face and he ran off down the corridor.

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The full moon had risen high into the sky, the pale light casting long shadows over the deserted castle grounds.

Inside the castle, on the bottom step of the great flight of stairs sat an older teenage boy rhythmically thumping his head gently on the banisters. He did not seem aware of what he was doing, or of his surroundings. The moon cast pale light through the windows, turning the entrance hall silvery white, with deep black shadows leading off into the dungeons. In this dark doorway stood a second boy, with greasy lank hair hanging round his shoulders. He was watching the other boy, brow furrowed in confusion. Slowly, falteringly, he made his way out of the gloom and toward the other boy who did not register his presence. It was as though he saw nothing at all. Now the newcomer was closer, he saw the seated boys face. Tears had left moist tracks down his beautiful face although he wasn't crying now. His hair was dishevelled and clearly unbrushed; is face had a nearly faded bruise over one cheekbone and he shook gently.

The stranger stood directly in front of him and the other boy's eyes didn't move, but bored straight through him. The thumping continued.

"Sirius?" The standing boy asked in amazement.

The thumping stopped. Sirius' eyes moved slowly up until they met Snapes. He still didn't speak.

Snape quickly realised that while Sirius was in this emotionally unstable position he was in control. He could bully the boy who had done the same to him for five miserable years. "Lucius told me," he said quietly.

Sirius didn't move, but Snape knew he had heard.

"You're parents must hate you. Don't you realise that everything is your fault," he whispered in case Filch heard anything. He watched Sirius' face crumple in pain as he began to shake his head as though denying it. "_Everything_ is your fault." He couldn't believe he was saying this without getting punched. He loved the feeling of being in control of Sirius' feelings. He wanted to make him feel pain, payback for what he had done to him.

Sirius was still again. "They hate me," he whispered almost to himself. "You don't know how that feels."

Snape ignored him. He knew exactly how that felt but had never complained in his life. Sirius always had to have all the attention of him. "But this is your fault. Regulus agrees."

Sirius stared at him, wide eyed, clearly believing Snape's lies.

"He hates you, Black. Didn't you know that? He knows all your dirty secrets and loves telling everyone." Snape knew this wasn't true. Regulus would never tell anyone about what Sirius got up to. Lucius had been told by his father as a warning not to go down the same road. And now Snape could use this to his advantage. "Where does Remus Lupin go every month?" he asked quickly.

The gear change confused Sirius. He wasn't thinking properly. The drugs were still streaming through his system, blocking his brain and slowing him down. And it had all got too much. The small wall of protection he had built around himself had come crashing down and he was left exposed in the rubble. "You don't need to know," he whispered so quietly Snape had to lean forward to catch his words.

"You can tell me Sirius," Snape said mockingly, as though talking to a child. Then in a harsher tone, added, "I'll tell your friends how weak you are. Do you think they'll want you then? Do you?"

The words cut into Sirius. Snapes voice repeated itself over and over in his mind, louder and louder. _…all your fault… all your fault. _He knew he was useless. He realised it now. What was the point in keeping anything secret anymore? Everyone knew about him and his weaknesses. Regulus hated him. He couldn't bare that. Not Regulus, who he loved and was the only member of his family who actually helped him when he was down. He began to thump his head again. "…the tree," he whispered. "It's all in the tree… the secret… the big fucking secret…"

Snape leant in disparately to hear the whispered words. It didn't make sense. "The tree?" he asked.

Sirius didn't say anything, but just closed his eyes, tears streaming down his face again. "Not Regulus he whispered… not him too…"

Snape ignored this angrily. Sirius had let something about a tree slip. Was it something to do with Remus' mysteriously monthly disappearances? He had to know. "What about the tree? Tell me!"

Sirius was shaking harder now. "… press the knot on the tree… that's what they said… it's gone now… they'll know…"

The knot on the tree? Snape straightened up, confused. And then a thought occurred to him. He remembered something he had seen in the First Year during an astronomy class. Two figures hurrying across the grounds in the direction of the Whomping Willow. He hadn't seen any more. Had it been Remus with someone? And why were they going there? He had to find out.

He threw one last glance at Sirius before leaving. He looked a wreck, shaking on the stairs his head resting uneasily on his arms. Somewhere at the top of the stairs, far along the corridor, he heard what sounded like faint footsteps. He quickly wrenched the front door open a crack and slipped through, leaving it slightly ajar so he could get back in again and ran down the front steps towards the Whomping Willow.

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This is only the first half. I knew it would be long so I have decided to post the first half not that it is done and I'll post the second half when it's written. Obviously. I hope you enjoyed it.


	14. Chapter 13 B

Chapter 13 continued

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Snape had left Sirius alone with no regard to his present state of mind. He sat huddled on the bottom step alone, muttering to himself. "Regulus… not you too… they all know… they all know…"

"Sirius?" A shocked voice rang out in the darkness.

James' point of view 

I pulled the Invisibility Cloak off Peter and I in horror. Sirius was sitting muttering at the bottom of the stairs. What the fuck was he doing? Was he mad? Something was terribly wrong.

I crouched down in front of him. He wasn't looking at me. His head was resting on his knees, drawn up against his chest. And he was rocking slightly. And, I realised in alarm, muttering things I couldn't hear. I looked at Peter who looked horrified.

"Sirius," I said gently, touching him gentle on the arm. He jumped violently, staring at me in the eye. I wasn't sure if he realised it was me at all. I was even more shocked to see tear stains on his cheeks. I had never ever seen him cry in my life. "What the hell is going on?"

"He knows," Sirius whispered clutching onto the arm of my school shirt in desperation. I had no idea what he was talking about but Sirius was clearly distraught about it. "They all know." He took a shuddering breath.

"Who? Knows what?" What the hell was he talking about?

He put his head in his hands again and shook his head. "Snape… the _bastard_…"

Snape? Why way that idiot involved? Had he said something to Sirius? I glanced at Peter again, who was staring at the back of Sirius' head, appalled. "What about Snape? When did he talk to you?"

I thought Sirius hadn't heard until he murmured, "Just now… how could he…"

He wasn't making sense. He had talked to Snape just a moment ago? At twelve at night? I had never seen anyone act as strangely as Sirius was. He clearly was thinking about something else and whatever it was it was tearing him apart.

"James," Peter spoke for the first time. "The door is open." He nodded to the front door.

I spun around. Yes, the door to the grounds was indeed ajar. Something like horror stirred inside me. "Sirius!" I grabbed the front of his shirt, forcing him to look at me. His eyes were slightly glazed. "Did Snape go outside?" I knew the answer before he nodded. How…?" In absolute horror, a new possibility dawned on me. "Sirius," I gasped out, "Did you tell him about the Whomping Willow?"

Peter swore, realising what I was thinking.

Sirius' head flopped onto my shoulder. I wrenched him up again and shook him violently. "Did you tell him?" I repeated, louder.

Sirius groaned. "I don't know…"he murmured. How could he not know? "he was saying things… awful things… people must not know…" I didn't care what he was talking about at this point.

"Peter, go and get MacGonagall." He hovered, uncertain. "Now!" I said firmly. "I'm going after Snape. Be quick! He can't stay here alone in case he does something stupid."

Peter threw me one more frightened glance before sprinting off into the darkness, up the stairs towards MacGonagall's office.

I stood up, shaking from head to toe. "Do you know what you have done?" I spat at Sirius who just sat there breathing shakily. He didn't answer so I threw him a last glare and ran out of the castle.

I sprinted through the moonlit grounds towards the Whomping Willow. I ran past the greenhouses, past the path to Hagrid's cabin and finally alongside the Forbidden Forest. Finally, the Willow loomed up in front of me out of the darkness, foreboding and moving restlessly, even though there was no wind. Someone had been near it recently. My heart was hammering relentlessly in my chest, my lungs were heaving with the distance I had sprinted. I seized the long branch placed there purposely for out use and prodded the knot on the tree trunk. The tree froze. I darted in between the frozen branches and threw myself into the narrow opening at the foot of the trunk. There was freshly moved earth. Had Snape been here, or was it disturbed from Madame Pomfrey and Remus' trip earlier? I desperately hoped it was the latter as I lit my wand and ran as fast as I dared along the narrow tunnel. It grew steeper and the ceiling lowered so I stooped but continued to run as fast as I could without smashing my forehead on any overhanging rocks. The ground rose suddenly. I was nearly there then. _Please… please_. I begged for Snape not to be there. Let the tunnel be empty.

I slowed down and my heart froze as I heard a scuffling noise ahead. The narrow beam of light cast from my wand fell on a kneeling figure. It was Snape, his hand grasping the handle of a small closed hatch, pushing it open.

"No!" I shouted in horror. I had to stop him. He couldn't see Remus or he would know what he was.

Snape looked round, surprised at my presence and help the hatch ajar. A small ray of electric light fell across his face.

I stopped, feet away from him. I could hear movements in the Shack beyond. He heart thumped so hard I was sure he could hear it.

Snape smirked as though in triumph, pushed the hatch open wide and looked through.

A small Muggle lamp on the floor highlighted the werewolf's awful form, crouched at the foot of the stairs. Snape managed a small gasp. Then the wolf pounced. It was a moment which seemed to pass as though in slow motion. He was leaping through the air, straight at Snape, exposed in the open hatch door. So I threw myself forward and seized Snape's thin body, throwing him away and slamming the door shut just as the wolf slammed into it the other side. Its terrible claws scratched the wood and it's snarling echoed in the tunnel.

I was shaking but that was nothing compared to Snape.

He hadn't moved from where I had thrown him but was staring wide eyed at the door.

I stood, panting and pulled him up. Using all the strength I had, I dragged him back down the tunnel, half-heartedly lighting the way as I went although all I cared about was getting back to the castle and beating the shit out of Sirius. How could the bastard have done this?

We approached the end of the tunnel, Snape staggering along behind me. There was a patch of moonlight ahead where the opening was and I hauled myself out of the tunnel, turning to drag Snape out too. The tree was still frozen, so we started to run back to the castle. That is, I ran, pushing and shoving Snape up too, as he seemed incapable of doing anything.

As the castle came into view round the greenhouses, I saw a figure hurrying towards me. It was MacGonagall, wrapped in a tartan dressing gown.

She reached me and put one arm round my quivering shoulders whilst grabbing Snape roughly on one arm as pulling us both up towards the castle. "Mr Pettigrew woke me and told me what happened," she said, worry seeping into her voice. "I told him to take Sirius up to the headmasters office. They should be there now and we are to join them."

We ascended the steps into the entrance hall where Filch greeted up. MacGonagall swept past him, letting both of is go. Filch nodded his head and locked the door as we disappeared into the darkness.

I threw Snape a look of disgust as we hurried along behind MacGonagall, struggling to keep up with her brisk walk. We reached the entrance to Dumbledore's. MacGonagall gave the password, Lemon Drops, and we stepped onto the spiralling staircase. I had only been here once before, back in third year when Sirius and I had let of a case of everlasting fireworks in the Slytherins common room.

We stepped off the top of the staircase and MacGonagall pushed the door open without knocking. The Headmaster was sitting completely composed behind his polished oak desk, his chin resting on his hands. He was wearing a pale blue dressing down, his beard tucked down the front.

He wasn't alone. Sirius sat on one of the armchairs in front of the desk, his legs folded in the chair, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Peter was standing awkwardly behind him, one hand resting on the chair back, the other nervously clenching and unclenching. He was staring at Sirius, chewing his lip.

Snape hovered by the door until Dumbledore motioned for him to take a seat and for me to take the last one. We sat and I waited for Dumbledore's explanation of Sirius terrible actions.

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Dumbledore's point of view.

When Mr Pettigrew had awoken me half an hour before, I knew straight away something was wrong, and considering the night, I presumed it was to do with Remus Lupin. Pettigrew had stammered out what was wrong and led me down to Mr Black.

He was a complete mess. I must get Poppy's second opinion, but I would say it was a severe mental breakdown. It would have to be for him to tell Snape the secret of Mr Lupin's monthly wanderings.

But thank Merlin they are back now. Potter looked pale, nothing compared to Mr Snape who looked positively faint.

"Would you like a drink?" I asked him. He shook his head. "I will send you all down to Madame Pomfrey shortly to get sleepless dream draughts."

Potter looked incredulous.

I raised an eyebrow at him.

"Is that it?" He said, staggered I think at my calm behaviour. I wish he would understand that someone must always stay in control of the situation. "_He_," he spat in Black's direction, " could have killed someone!"

I sighed. "Yes, and I will deal with him. first, I must understand what went on here. Mr Snape and Mr Black, what were you doing out of your beds in the middle of the night anyway?"

Black sat up slowly, staring at the table. Yes, there was something seriously wrong with him judging from his behaviour. He was clenching his hands together and shaking badly. I caught Minerva's eye. She had clearly noted his behaviour too then.

Snape was fidgeting. There was something he wanted to say. "I- I," he stammered. "I saw him in the entrance hall. Just- just sitting there."

"I take it you mean Mr Black?"

Snape nodded.

"So you went over to see what he was doing." I decided to skip past why he had been out of his bed in the first place. Snooping probably. That boy was like his mother, too sneaky for his own good.

He nodded again. I noticed Potter and Pettigrew exchange a glance. I suspected they had come to the same conclusion that I had about Snape snooping.

"And Mr Black," I said, fixing my attention on him. He looked at me, his head still bent. "What were you doing up?"

He didn't answer. "Can't remember," he muttered finally. "Walking, I suppose."

"And how did it come about that you _told_ Mr Snape about Mr Lupin's condition?" I asked, accidentally letting a touch of anger into my voice. I was furious.

Again, he wouldn't, or couldn't answer. He simply shook his head and looked down again.

Potter snorted in fury. He was glaring in hatred at both Sirius and Snape. "How can you sit there and not even apologise or explain!" He spat.

"Mr Potter." I gave him a warning glance. "Did Mr Black tell you outright how to get into the Shrieking Shack?" I asked Snape.

His eyes widened. "That was the Shrieking Shack?" He whispered. Clearly Black hadn't told him everything. He shook his head. "He let bits slip I suppose. I could piece it together."

"What did he let slip?"

"About the knot on the tree… something about Lupin… he didn't say what though." Snape looked down at his lap, squirming under everyone's gaze.

I glanced at Minerva again who still hadn't spoken.

"I think-"

I was cut off by Potter, who suddenly shouted, "How can you be so calm? How can you sit there acting so calm when Sirius could have killed him!" he stood and pointed at Snape. "Now he knows and Remus will have to suffer for it." He turned to Sirius. " You fucking idiot!" he shouted. Black physically flinched at the words.

"Mr Potter! That is enough!" I said loudly, standing up.

"Headmaster," Minerva said, stepping forward to take hold of Potter's arm. "I suggest I escort Mr Potter, Pettigrew and Snape down to the hospital wing."

I nodded and Snape stood up shakily. "I'm sorry," he blurted out. I wasn't sure who he was actually apologising to.

Potter snorted. "It's a bit late for that now, isn't it? Best to apologise after you have ruined someone's life."

I ignored Potters comment. "That is all very well Mr Snape. But you must swear on you life and soul that you will not breath a word of what you saw tonight to anyone. If you do, you will be gone from this school forever."

He gulped. "I promise," he stammered.

"Good," I said.

Snape looked down and followed Minerva out of my office. Pettigrew and Potter followed them, not looking back at Black. The door shut behind them.

"Mr Black, what you have done tonight is very serious indeed, for you, Mr Lupin and for everyone involved. I am afraid you may have compromised your position here. I will have to look into what possessed you to tell Mr Snape about one of your closest friends. I'm afraid I cannot understand at this point. Do you cart to enlighten me?"

He didn't look at me, but at his hands. "Snape… he was saying things… about… about…" He finally looked up. "I can't remember telling him, sir." There were tears in his eyes but he blinked them away. "I honestly can't remember. It's all blurry."

I nodded. "Okay. I need you to go down to Madame Pomfrey now. Go straight there. I will have to talk to the governors and your parents about this. As your father is on the board anyway, it shouldn't be too difficult." Was it my imagination, or had Black's face gone pale? "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," he said shortly. He stood up, still shaking violently.

"Off you go them. I am severely disappointed with you and shocked at your conduct. I will be speaking with you soon," I added as a final note of warning and dismissed him.

It was about five minutes later that I heard a knock at the door. And Minerva entered. She sat on one of the armchairs in front of the desk. "Well, what do you think?" she asked.

"I think Mr Black just had a mental breakdown," I said carefully. "A severe one." 

She nodded. "My thoughts exactly. Do you remember Mildred Turnpike? She had one just before the NEWTs a few years back. It was the same symptoms. Shaking, no concentration, blurting out random sentences, as Mr Pettigrew had described."

I nodded. "And Mr Black added to me in private that he couldn't even remember telling Mr Snape about the Willow. I think he was telling the truth."

"But headmaster, what about the description of Sirius' condition when Mr Potter and Pettigrew found him? He said that Mr Black was saying something about someone knowing something, but he didn't elaborate."

I thought for a moment, piecing together random fragments of information. "I believe, that Mr Snape found out something about Sirius, something he doesn't want anyone to know. Maybe it's something he did, or something embarrassing. It could even be something to do with his family."

"What do you mean by that?"

"When I mentioned speaking to his father, Mr Black went pale and was clearly distressed by the idea. I would presume that not everything is good at home. Predictable, seeing as Mr Black was unfortunate to be the first Griffendore in several centuries, growing up in a long line of Slytherins. I understand that he was the perfect pureblood child before coming here, respectful, perfectly mannered etc. he speaks several languages and had been taught the background to most aspects or magic, especially dark magic. So you can see that having grown up in such a uptight, proper and strict family, he must rub against them awfully now."

Minerva was looking at me, surprised. "I suppose you are right. The poor boy. Poppy will sort him out for now though."

"Ah, but the scars will run deeper than that. It will take along time before he is completely healed and he will need support for that to happen. Support he is surely not going to get from Mr Potter. You saw his reaction quite clearly. Mr Pettigrew I feel feels the same but I don't believe he would ever feel mean enough to shout in Mr Blacks face."

Minerva sighed. "I think you're right. We will have to hope they come to some understanding. For Sirius' sake."

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That is it! The longest chapter ever and the most important one so far. I hoped you liked it. Sorry it took so long to update.


	15. Chapter 14

James and Peter woke up alone in their dormitory the following morning, both hoping that they had had an extremely bad dream. James sat up quickly and strained to see through the half-light of the morning. Sirius' bed hadn't been touched and neither had Remus'. They were both still in the hospital wing. James looked at Peter who looked completely lost, not knowing what to do in this situation.

"Snape knows about Remus. I can't believe it!" James spat out. "Sirius…" He left the sentence hanging, unable to bear finishing it.

Peter slipped out of bed and began getting dress. " Let's go see if Remus is alright. He should be." He didn't mention Sirius.

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Madame Pomfrey was glad that Remus wasn't any worse than usual as she plumped the sleeping boys pillow. Crossing the ward, she slipped through the curtain separating Sirius' bed from the rest of the beds. He was curled in a ball, staring unblinkingly at the bedside cabinet. He didn't move as Madame Pomfrey entered his line of vision.

"You can go back to school today," she snapped. "You must take this calming draught every four hours." She slammed it down on the table. "I hope you're satisfied. Betraying your friend like that. I don't-"

"Poppy! That's enough!" Professor MacGonagall had entered. She looked at Sirius. "Get dressed Mr Black. You have transfiguration first." She didn't speak as harshly as Madame Pomfrey had done, remembering her conversation with the headmaster from the night before. "A word please, Poppy."

They moved to the far end of the ward. "Poppy," started MacGonagall. "Albus firmly believes that Mr Black suffered a mental breakdown last night. I'm sure you recognised the symptoms last night?"

Madame Pomfrey glared at the curtained off bed. "I did," she said shortly. "I'm not trained to help in those cases. He will have to deal with it on his own."

"I see. We must all keep alert with regards to Mr Black in particular. Albus said he will probably get a hard time from his friends. He does not need it from his elders too." Madame Pomfrey looked slightly ashamed. "He did an incredible stupid thing last night but we can not fully blame him. Severus Snape didn't help matters one bit. I hope you will treat him equally still?"

Madame Pomfrey looked slightly shifty. "Of course," she snapped. "But I am shocked he still told _Snape_, of all people!"

Both women watched Sirius, now dressed as scruffily as usual in his school uniform, slip out of the corridor and past Remus' bed. He paused at the end, unsure of whether to wake the sleeping boy. Biting his lip, he walked with his head bowed and shoulders hunched with his hands in his pockets out of sight.

MacGonagall turned back to Madame Pomfrey. "Will Mr Lupin recover?"

"There isn't anything more wrong with him than usual. The problem comes with who will break the news to him. I suspect Potter will. And speak of the devil…"

James and Peter hurried into the ward and over to Remus' bed.

"I had better leave you now Poppy. Make sure Remus gets the _full_ story and not the biased version. I want some breakfast before the fifth year class!" MacGonagall swept from the ward, glancing at the two boys gathered around the bed.

Remus was sitting up and smiling at his friends. He said something, but Madame Pomfrey couldn't catch it. She watched as Potter started to speak in a frenzy, interjected by some words from Pettigrew and Lupin's face slowly fell, from content to horror. Madame Pomfrey felt that now would be the right time to intervene as MacGonagall had suggested, but her anger at Sirius stopped her. Let him be hated for now. It would all be sorted out in a few days anyway.

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Sirius was acutely aware of the noises around him; the noises of the Transfiguration classroom grew in volume and buzzed as though there were actually hornets in his head. Sirius shook this thought from his head and tried to focus on the words spoken from Professor MacGonagall's mouth but he only saw her mouth moving but heard nothing. He felt as though he was alone, that his life had changed because of a stupid mistake and everything else now seemed meaningless and futile. He watched his classmates around him, worrying about unimportant things like homework and chess club while he had to live with the knowledge that he could have killed someone last night. To be honest, he couldn't actually remember what had happened. He knew the facts but when he tried to think back his mind was fuzzy and blank.

He suddenly realised that three Ravenclaw girls were staring at him. He caught one of their eyes and they quickly looked away and whispered together. Sirius looked at the board, the hairs on the back of his neck tingling uncomfortably.

James and Peter were missing from the class, resulting in Sirius sitting next to Matt who promptly asked him where they were. Sirius had just shrugged and changed the subject. It was lucky that this year the Griffindores shared most lessons with Ravenclaw which meant that he would at least have Matt to talk to.

The bell for the end of class sounded and Sirius hurried out to avoid MacGonagall who looked ready to stop him. Matt caught up with him and they went out to the broom sheds at the side of the castle to smoke.

Sirius lit up and passed the light over to Matt.

"Something's wrong with you today," Matt said, inhaling.

Sirius looked out across the grounds. "It's nothing. Just an… argument with the others," he said shortly.

Matt realised it wasn't his place to ask so filled the silence with general chitchat about a 6th year girl he fancied.

Later that day, Sirius saw James, Peter and Remus for the first time since _it_ happened.

Sirius was eating lunch with three boys in the year above, also in Griffindore. One of them was Josh, the boy Matt was friends with and could smuggle anything into the school so it followed that Sirius quickly made friends with him. he was quite quiet but very bright and, like Sirius, played the piano and guitar very well. The other two were Jamie and Tom, who was a chaser on the Quidditch team. Sirius was already friends with Jamie after they had bumped into each other at Glastonbury the year before where he had drunk too much and thrown up on Sirius. Sirius had never let him forget it.

To be honest, if you saw him with the older boys or with the 'Marauders', you would think Sirius fitted in much more with the other group. They all wore the same style of clothes: spray on skinny jeans; band T-shirts from concerts they had been to; eyeliner occasionally (Sirius only wore this if he was going to a club or concert); florescent belts, wristbands etc; and bright Converses, Vans or Keds. It was a style which needed a lot of confidence to carry off, and Sirius managed it effortlessly with the quiet grace often found in pure bloods.

If was here, at lunch, that Sirius forgot the terrible thing he had done for the first time all day and became engrossed in an argument about whether cardigans looked 'gay' or not. He was trying to convince Jamie that it wasn't girly to wear cardigans when James, Peter and Remus sat entered the hall.

They saw Sirius straight away, laughing and talking to the other boys animatedly, as though he didn't have a care in the world. James had explained what had happened to Remus. He had not said anything for about two minutes, before swallowing hard and asking why Sirius had told Snape.

"Because he doesn't care about anyone but himself," James had spat, and only added when Peter had begun to protest, "Oh, but the teachers seem to think that there was something wrong with him."

"A mental breakdown, they said," Peter had added with a slightly disbelieving tone.

Remus had snorted, still reeling in disbelief at the news. He had wiped his wet cheek with the back of his hand and had looked away.

James had patted him on the arm reassuringly. "Hey, we're here for you still. You don't have to talk or even look at Sirius. It's him who's in the wrong. He needs to apologise to you although that doesn't change anything. He should feel sorry for what he has done."

_He doesn't look sorry_, Remus thought as they entered the hall. They sat down at the far end of the table, away from Sirius. James tried to start up a conversation about how much Charms homework they had, but Remus was too distracted. He didn't expect Sirius to come over and beg for forgiveness in front of the whole school, but he had at least expected him to care. Remus felt hurt and furiously angry.

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The two afternoon lessons were terrible for Sirius. The first was Theory of Astrology and was only Griffindores but they had a seating plan so the closest Sirius sat to any of the others was near Peter, who was still two people away. It wasn't too hard to avoid the others eyes although he was sure people were looking at him but when he looked around, he couldn't see anyone in particular. They also had to sit in absolute silence. The buzzing had returned, giving Sirius a depressing headache. He was only sustained through the afternoon by the line of coke he had quickly snorted with Josh at lunch. It made him feel normal, if slightly elated, although he never now experienced that wonderful high he used to feel after snorting coke. And in he evenings, heroin calmed him back down. It was a vicious cycle and Sirius couldn't see that he was being dragged into it.

The last lesson of the day was Potions, shared with the Slytherins. This was usually a bearable lesson if he was with James, Remus and Peter because at least he had some others to help him fight his cousins. Bella, Andie and Lucius were all in this class with him. Bella and Andie, although sisters, were not twins and were only in the same year because their mother had had Bella in early September and Andie in late August.

To Sirius annoyance he was paired with Lucius to try and brew first half of the Befuddlement Draught. It was a simple potion for the two boys but was time consuming and meant that they would also be partnered for the next lesson as well.

"Sirius," Lucius exclaimed in mock delight. "Haven't spoken to you since… let me see, when you cruelly punched me in the toilets."

Sirius smiled grimly at the memory but the smile never reached his eyes, then he bent over the textbook to read the ingredients list and started to carefully slice up the sneezewort. He was aware of James in front of him, working with Frank Longbottom and making a point of not talking to him.

Lucius continued, his voice drilling into Sirius' skull. "I spoke to your father about your actions towards me. He was most displeased."

Sirius hands began to shake slightly in anger. He bent closer to his work to try and concentrate and block out Lucius' voice. "Crush the scarab beetles, will you," he said quietly to try and hint to Lucius that he was in fact talking quite loud. Even through the bubbling of the many caldrons and the hum of the other student's conversations, his voice was still audible to anyone nearby who tried to listen.

Lucius pushed his pestle closer to Sirius, dragged his stool closer too and continued. "He has been talking to my father about you too. Apparently you're a lost cause and there was actually talk of sending you to Durmstrang. Were you aware of that?"

Sirius nodded, annoyed that Lucius had managed to find all this out. That had indeed been his threatened punishment last summer.

"Apparently your mother stopped him from looking into it more. I don't know why," he added almost to himself. "The way you treat her."

"Would you _shut up_!" Sirius hissed at him, gripping the knife very tightly. He glared at Lucius and nodded his head to the table in front where James had become very still. Sirius was sure he had been listening.

Lucius realised what Sirius was referring to and immediately shut up. As much as he detected Sirius for his rejection of the pure blood ideals, he didn't want the family name dragged through the mud.

"Scared? Father told me that Uncle Orion said you were petrified last summer when-"

He was cut off by Sirius pressing the knife into his arm so he could feel it prick, leaning in close and whispering in a deadly tone, "If you even _think_ of finishing that sentence I will-"

"Mr Black!" Slughorn shouted across the classroom. Sirius leapt back from Lucius and threw the knife back on the table in anger. "Don't you ever play with that knife again! Detention this evening. Seven o'clock sharp!"

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Sirius managed to avoid the others by staying in the library after school and with Josh's group at dinner. Whilst in the library, Lily Evans approached him cautiously and asked him if she could share his table. She was a pretty girl, Sirius thought, with fiery red hair but was off limits because James was after her. She wasn't Sirius' type and anyway, since the situation with Julia he couldn't even think about sex. She still hadn't written back to any of Sirius' letters and the question of whether she would keep the baby played heavily on Sirius' mind all day. Unless he was intoxicated. Then he could forget everything.

They didn't speak but worked in silence. Finally, Lily asked, "Have you had a fight with your friends?"

"What makes you think that," Sirius asked without looking up.

Lily sighed. Sirius was always difficult to talk to. "You aren't with them now, are you? You weren't with them at lunch. I just thought…" She tailed off.

There was a pause. "We've just had an argument." The tone of his voice was so poisonous Lily didn't dare ask what it was about.

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The detention passed without incident. He had to write out 'I must not play with knives' for two hours and put up with Slughorn complementing him on everything inherited by him from his parents. Slughorn was famous for his favouritism and the 'Slug Club', which mainly consisted of rich pure bloods. Sirius had been invited in second year but had never turned up to one of the lunches.

Slughorn spent the whole two hours surveying Sirius over a glass of red wine, complimenting him on his fine posture, bone structure, etiquette, table manners, writing style and his 'fine and prosperous family'. Sirius decided not to start an argument with his potions teacher on that subject.

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Remus' point of view.

I sat in silence on my bed, staring around at the dormitory. It was dusk and the clouds blocked the setting sun so the room was gloomy and dark. I didn't… couldn't move. The day had been too tiring. Despite the headmasters assurances that Snape would keep silent, I had been sure several times that people were avoiding me or looking at me. Peter told me they weren't and I suppose he is right. Snape won't have said anything. I could barely bring myself to think about Sirius who I used to think of as a brother and hoped he thought of me like that too. Clearly I was wrong. He probably thought of me as a crossbreed, like his family had brought him up to think like. We all thought he had changed, but a leopard can never change his spots.

His guitar rested against his bedside table which was littered with empty gum wrappers, chocolate frog foil, an edition of the Muggle magazine 'Kerrang' and a half empty packet of Marlboro's. I had always told him that smoking would kill him, but I suppose what didn't matter now. His trunk was closed and was the nicest in the room, made by an expensive designer brand which cleverly expanded the inside so it could fit more things. Theses were in fact banned by Hogwarts, but nobody had checked. He had wound several studded belts and several florescent ones round one of the posts on his four-poster bed and the light from the window glinted against the buckles.

The room was very dark now. I could hear the voices of people downstairs in the common room. It was nearly half ten, so it was probably quite empty. James had gone down to help the Quidditch captain sort the school broomsticks with Madame Hooch and wasn't back yet. Peter was at Gobstones club which always finished late if there was a tournament. I had insisted that they go and that I would deal with Sirius if he turned up. I was not exactly waiting for him, as he was probably still at his detention, but then I heard footsteps on the stairs. The stopped outside and someone opened the door and flicked on the light.

Sirius came in, looking at a piece of paper he was folding up. He clearly didn't know anyone was here as the light had been turned off. He shut the door behind him and it was only when he was about a meter into the room that he actually realised I was there, sitting at the foot of my bed.

It was probably one of the loudest silences I have ever heard. He stared wide eyes at me and actually, I dared myself to think, looked scared. But he probably wasn't.

"Remus…" he whispered.

I stood up and walked in the direction of the bathroom.

"Remus," he repeated. "Please…"

It was pathetic to hear him say this. "I don't want to hear it Sirius!" I cried, turning back to him. I felt hatred like I had never felt before rushing through my body. "I don't want to hear you! I don't want to see you ever again in my life!"

Every word I spoke seemed to strike him like a physical blow but it gave me little pleasure. "Remus, please listen to me," he said desperately.

"No! It's too late for that now Sirius. You betrayed me last night and I can never forgive you for that. I could have _killed someone_!" I hissed. It was only now that I realised I had tears streaming down my face and wiped them hastily with my sleeve.

Sirius looked distraught, but it was all an act. He didn't care. He had never cared.

I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. Sinking to the floor, I dried my face and heard someone else enter the dormitory. By the sound of the raised voice I knew it was James.

"… Speak to him! Don't look at him! You have no right, you selfish fucking little bastard."

I heard a violent noise and guessed that James had just punched Sirius but I couldn't be sure. I quickly moved to the door and opened in.

James was glaring in hatred at Sirius. It was incredible to think that only this time yesterday they had been as close as brothers. Now, I actually thought James was capable of killing him.

"Don't waste your energy on him James. He's not worth it."

James looked at me, surprised that I wasn't asking him to beat the shit out of him. Luckily, he followed my lead and turned his back on him. Together, we left the dormitory to do some homework in the common room. James turned the light off as we left plunging the room into darkness as though it was empty.

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Sorry it took so long to update. I will try harder next time.


	16. Chapter 15

The words said to him by James and Remus had affected him deeply. Their hateful words spun round his mind over and over again. He could see Remus' face hovering in front of him, filled with hurt and anger. The anger Sirius could deal with because he had dealt with that plenty of times at home, but knowing that he had hurt Remus' feeling was almost unbearable.

It was around this time when he found that he could release the stress by cutting his arms. The first time he did this it was an accident. He was changing the blade in his razor and the new one wouldn't snap back into place and out of frustration he tried to shove it in with brute force. Instead of having the desired effect, his hand slipped forward and the underneath of his forearm cut open on the blade. It hurt, but the pain simply made the frustration he had felt ebb away. It had had a strangely calming effect on him as he watched his blood drip slowly into the sink.

And the next time he had a family related argument with one of his cousins, he cut himself again. And the anger and loneliness he felt ebbed slightly. He wrapped the emergency bandage kept in the cupboard in the bathroom around the cut and felt slightly more in control. It was odd, he had thought at the time, that he had scorned one of Will's friends who regularly self harmed back in the summer. But what he was doing was different. Somehow.

He thought of Will sometimes. Was he looking after Julia? They had never really got on, especially since she found out that Will had introduced her boyfriend to hard drugs, but he lighted to kid himself that there would be someone there for her. It must be hell. He realised how little he knew about any of these people. He didn't even know where Will lived, or what his second name was, or even why he tended to hand out with Ritz under the bridge by the Thames. Sirius suddenly remembered the night they had… done _it_. He felt revolted and that feeling of being dirtied came back to him. He dismissed the incident from his mind and concentrated on his Transfiguration essay.

He found it relatively easy to avoid Remus, James and Peter most days. He hung around with Tom, Josh and Jamie during lunch and at break but sat with Matt in any classes shared with Ravenclaw. Luckily, Astrology was the only lesson which Griffendore had on their own and they couldn't talk in that anyway. A few people had commented on Sirius' sudden change in friendship groups and after they were rewarded with such deadly looks from James, the questions soon stopped.

It was still incredibly awkward when they were in the dormitory together, in the morning and at night. Sirius left early and was usually up and dressed before the others even stirred. He also got back late at night, changed in the bathroom and closed the curtains around his bed.

"No wonder he looks so tired," Peter had remarked the morning after Sirius had returned to the dormitory at half twelve in the morning, sniffing heavily and waking him up.

James, Peter and Remus were quite surprised that Sirius had joined so easily with another group which heightened their anger at him as he seemed not to care.

"That isn't quite true," Peter said, leaning over his textbook to try and find the right quote on witch hunting to add to his History of Magic essay. "I think he does care but is too proud to say anything. But then again," he said straightening up and looking puzzled, "if he did care he would get over his pride and beg for forgiveness."

"Which he still hasn't done," exclaimed James, watching as Lily Evans crossed the common room with a letter to go to the owlery. "I mean, it has been over a month. He had better say something before Christmas!"

Remus sighed. "To be honest, I don't care anymore. At least now I don't need to fool myself that he ever even liked me as a friend. He has shown his true colours."

Peter bit his lip. "I completely support your side in this of course, but I just can't see that Sirius did this completely on purpose. I mean, come on James, you saw him yourself that night. He was just sitting there, staring off into the distance. That wasn't Sirius. There was something wrong."

"And you think that's an excuse?" said James loudly, earning a few disgruntled looks from some seventh years nearby.

"No, or course not," said Peter, quickly backtracking. "But I think Sirius has changed, that's all."

James was about to argue but Remus butted in quickly. "No, I agree."

James looked surprised.

Remus shook his head sadly. "He is just different this year. I noticed it on the platform at King's Cross. Something inside him has changed and it's not a good thing. I don't know what it is but… I don't know! You can see it in his eyes. It's almost like he doesn't want to be here. Like he's got bigger fish to fry."

James sat up. "What d'you mean by that?"

Remus fidgeted awkwardly. "I'm not supposed to say anything," he said, looking at his knees and chewing his lip.

Peter and James exchanged an incredulous look. "Remus," Peter said, leaning towards him. "He completely sold you out. He told _Snape_, one of the most awful people in the world your secret and you're still acting loyal to him."

Remus looked shifty. "I suppose it's stupid to keep it a secret after what he did. Yeah, you're right." He looked across the table at the other two. "Right… well… back in September, I walked in on Sirius reading a letter upstairs. He looked upset… well, more than upset, with reason as it turns out. Apparently, he has a Muggle girlfriend who he has never mentioned. Called… Juliet, I think. No! Julia. That's it."

James snorted. "We don't care what her name is! Hurry up with the story."

Remus smiled. "Well, he had got her pregnant."

There was silence. Whatever Peter and James had expected, it wasn't that.

"What!" Peter said so loudly that one of the seventh years shouted, "Look, will you shut up over there! Some of us are actually trying to work." Peter blushed and quickly apologised, ignoring Remus and James' stifled laughter.

"I know!" Remus whispered excitedly. "He was distraught and blurted the whole thing out to me."

"And you didn't tell us why?" Exclaimed James in mock anger.

Remus shrugged. "He begged me not to say anything, but I suppose it doesn't matter any more." He sat back in his armchair. "I wonder if she decided to keep it in the end."

"Blimey, and he's not even sixteen yet," marvelled Peter. "James, you're sixteen now and you haven't had sex."

Remus laughed at the look of James' face. "Yes, _thank you_!" he snarled. "I nearly have, and neither have you, actually!"

Peter exchanged a look with Remus and they both snorted with laughter. Even James cracked a smile.

James was distracted for a moment as Lily walked from her group of friends over to the portrait hole and stood back for a moment as someone else was coming through. It was Sirius. He dropped lightly to the floor, swept his hair from his eyes and glanced round the room. A group of second year girls completely stopped their work and ogled at him for a moment. The boys found it extremely annoying that Sirius could still attract a whole room of girl's attention with his stunning good looks even in his fifth year. Peter had once commented back in second year that if would wear off eventually, but it never had. Sirius swept over to Josh, who was sitting by the window and sat down cross-legged on the chair next to him.

Peter's brow furrowed. "What has he done to his arm? Did he hurt it in Quidditch?"

James shrugged. "I dunno. He never turned up to the last practice. Hopefully Stevens will kick him off the team," he added with glee. "Dick head."

"Where do you think he's been?" Peter asked.

"Smoking behind the broom shed probably. Idiot," said James. "And anyway-"

"Stop talking James!" said Peter loudly, slamming his quill down. "I can't concentrate on you and this essay!" he picked up his quill again and struggled on with his essay.

Remus snorted and returned to his essay, laughing at James' disgruntled expression.

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Sirius found Josh a nice person to spend time with and wondered how he had never got talking to him before. They even supported the same Quidditch team and together, had managed to half convince Jamie that cardigans weren't just for girls. Josh had fair brown hair, slightly lighter than Remus' which Sirius had noted before the thought of his friend drenched him with guilt. He had blue eyes, a penetrating blue which seemed to see straight through you. He was about the same height as Sirius, but was broader than him. Josh was the type of person whom everyone liked simply because they didn't have a reason not to as he was generally quite, spoke quite gruffly and only spoke to people if asked a question. But he got on well with Sirius. He soon found out that he was smuggling all sorts of contraband items into Hogwarts in order to save up for a trip round the world, Muggle style. Sirius thought this was a fantastic idea and was interested in all his plans.

The Saturday before Christmas arrived. Sirius got up early and pulled on a pair or skinny black Dior jeans and a red Lacoste polo shirt. Slipping his feet quietly into a random pair of white Vans he left the dormitory. The day was bright and sunny and the light poured down through the high windows in the corridor as he made his way down to breakfast. There was time for a quick line to boost his mood though.

He was just leaving the bathroom when someone coughed, making him turn round. It was Regulus.

He stepped forward. "Hey."

Sirius smiled but Regulus noticed that his eyes stayed dead and cold. He wondered if Sirius was still using cocaine, remembering that awful day when he had seen him in the bathroom back in London. "I haven't spoken to you for ages. I just wanted to see if you are… okay," he said, shrugging.

Sirius' eyes narrowed. "What are you insinuating?" He demanded unfairly.

Regulus looked startled. "Nothing…" he stammered.

"Look Regulus, I'm fine. Never been better!" He said sarcastically.

Regulus scowled. He was used to Sirius' mood changes. "Alright, no need to get all sarcastic with me. I was just being nice."

Sirius snorted and moved off down the corridor, his drug fuelled high gone, leaving him empty and as soon as he rounded the corner, ashamed. His brother was one of the few people still there for him and he was pushing him away too. He rubbed his face and eyes aggressively, trying to feel more alive but all he felt was a deep blackness reaching into the centre of his soul and darkening all of his emotions.

He wanted to find Josh, someone who actually made him feel slightly interested in what was going on around him. To his shock, he felt an emotion almost forgotten by him, an emotion that hadn't stirred since Julia. It was desire.

In horror, he brought back the terrible memories of him and Will under the bridge and in the alley and all the other times he had forced him to do things he would never even wish on his enemies. He made himself remember how used he had felt then and then thought of Josh again. It hadn't worked. He still felt a burning inside. It was odd, because Sirius knew that he wasn't gay, or even bisexual, but this attraction to Josh was definitely physical. Reeling at this new discovery, he went down to breakfast.

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Josh had managed to save a stash of heroin and needles and Sirius flushed with pleasure when he realised that it was only he whom he was sharing them with. They shot up and once again, Sirius felt that wonderful high that he no longer felt with cocaine. They were in a secluded corner of the library, sitting on the floor, surrounded with the mess of needles, cotton wool and foil they had made.

The heroin made Sirius feel as light as a cloud and the two of them were trying to stifle their uncontrollable laughter. They weren't laughing at anything in particular, but that was the effect the drug was taking. Josh snorted with laughter and Sirius covered his mouth with is hand.

Giggling, Sirius stood up shakily, holding onto the table for support. He pushed a discarded book and quill out of the way, overbalancing and sitting on the edge of the table instead. Josh grinned and pulled himself up to, using Sirius' opened legs for support. After what seemed like a huge amount of effort, he stood, swaying slightly, but held in place by Sirius, legs, which gently pressed against each of his hips.

They had stopped laughing. Sirius could hear Josh's breathing in the still, dark library. The wave of desire flooded through him again. Without a second thought, he half stood up to meet Josh and also pulled him towards him at the same time. Their lips met in a power hungry kiss. Sirius snarled in lust and felt Josh's hands tangled in his hair. His own hands circled Josh's stomach and chest, pulling his body closer.

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Remus was about to get changed for bed when he realised that he didn't have his Potions book. "Shit!" he muttered, rummaging through his bag.

"What?" James asked, pulling on his pyjama top.

"I must have left my Potions book in the library. And my quill too. I'll have to go and get them," he said, straightening up. "Madame Pince fines you if you leave property in the library."

James nodded. "D'you want my cloak?" he asked, meaning the Invisibility cloak.

"Yeah, thanks," said Remus, taking it from him. "Don't wait up," he added before putting the cloak on and leaving the dormitory.

He had his way quickly through the dark and deserted school. He slipped silently into the library and stood for a minute, trying to workout where her had left his stuff. He realised that it had been in the back right corner and hurried there.

Suddenly, a noise ahead made his stop. A slight scraping of a chair. A muffled brushing of fabric. His heart hammered in his chest. Edging forward, he peered round the edge of the bookshelf and stopped dead.

It was two people kissing. As the shock subsided, he tried to make out who they were in the blackness of the corner. The figures shifted slightly into a shaft of moonlight and Remus' mouth fell open in disbelief. It was Sirius! And…and… he couldn't make the girl out… _holy fucking shit!_ It was Josh in the year above. Sirius with a boy. It just couldn't sink in. Sirius was a rogue, a womaniser, not… gay! Remus couldn't think of another word for it.

He watched in morbid fascination as Josh wound his arms round Sirius' body, caressing his back almost tenderly. Sirius' hands gripped Josh's hips as he slid back onto the table, pulling the older boy back to meet him. Remus realised that Sirius was in charge of the situation; he was the one making the moves… the one whose hands were now up inside Josh's top. Josh broke the kiss, leaning his head back and moaning as Sirius slowly sucked and kissed the side of his neck.

Remus backed away. He had seen enough. He knew that Sirius had changed but this was something else entirely. He decided, as he quickly left the scene that he would keep this to himself. He barely understood why Sirius was acting this was so the others wouldn't either.

When he entered the dormitory, the light was off and the others were asleep. He was glad they couldn't see how shocked he was. He wouldn't have been able to make up a plausible excuse anyway. Numbly, he slid into bed and fell into a fitful sleep.

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Hmmmmmmm… interesting ending, I think. I wrote this straight after finishing the last chapter because it seemed to run that way, and this little twist just popped into my head. I hope it worked. I said I would try better last time and I think two updates in one day should keep you satisfied for a while!


	17. Chapter 16

I'm giving myself some poetic licence with this stuff but I did do some research and at the time this is set, skinny jeans and all of that were in fashion. I think. If not, oh well. There is no way on earth Sirius ever wore flares. 

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I see a red door and I want it painted black  
No colours anymore I want them to turn black  
I see the girls go by dressed in their summer clothes  
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes…

Sirius was lying on his bed staring at the rich fabric draped across the top of his bed. His music was turned up high, the headphones on and the disc spinning on the turntable. His foot bobbed slightly in time to the music. He didn't hear the door open but saw James enter the dormitory. He walked over to the disc player and turned it off roughly. Sirius sat up, annoyed, and pulled his headphones off. 

"That's my record," James spat, taking it carefully off the turntable so it didn't scratched. 

"No it isn't," Sirius replied dully. He pulled himself up and waited until his head had stopped spinning before adding, "it is possible that we both have the same record."

James paused, spinning the disc round on his finger. He stopped and threw it on the bed. "When are you going to apologise to Remus?"

The sudden change in topic surprised Sirius. He sniffed deeply. "I've tried and-"

"_You've tried?_" James shouted in anger. "You've done fuck all! This is your entire fault. Remus almost killed someone and he could have been sent to Azkaban for it! You shouldn't even be here. The only reason you weren't expelled is because your dad threatened to stop funding the school if you were."

These last words hurt Sirius more. "Do you think I should have been expelled?" he asked quietly, dreading the answer.

James glared at him, his glasses glinting in the light of the setting sun that shined through the window. "To be honest Sirius, I don't ever want to see you again after what you did. It makes me sick to the bottom of my stomach just to see you or hear your name." He turned away to the door.

James' words roared through Sirius' head and he was filled with anger towards him he had never felt before. "You never asked though, did you?" he screamed at James who spun around in shock. "Never checked to see what was wrong before…" the anger had gone. He had said too much. He closed in on himself and backed away.

James stared at him for a long moment before leaving and closing the door behind him. 

In anger and self-pity, Sirius seized the Rolling Stones record from his bed and threw it at the door. It smashed just above the doorknob and shattered into several pieces. He then stormed to the bathroom, locked the door behind him, and pulled off the lid of the cistern to get his gear. He took off his belt and wrapped it round his arm. He got the heroine ready with one hand whilst ripping the plastic packaging of a syringe off with his teeth. Sirius sighed as the familiar wave of pleasure from the drug blazed though his system. He slipped onto his side and gave way to sleep, his fingers twitching and his eyelids flickering. 

He was awoken by the bell for dinner.

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The castle was in chaos. It was the morning the pupils were going back home for Christmas and it wasn't an option for any of the purebloods to stay behind. Not even Sirius. No one took all of their stuff home with them, only their clothes and any textbooks needed for holiday homework. Sirius had left most of his clothes in the dormitory as the majority of his wardrobe had been left in Grimmuald Place.

A deep sense of dread had already seeped though his system, even as he dragged his almost empty trunk across the entrance hall and added it to the pile which was to be taken down to the train. He slipped into the hall for breakfast, sitting next to Matt, Josh, Jamie and Tom as usual. They talked while he sat in silence. He looked down at his slice of toast, trying not to look at Josh. He had no feelings for him and did not want to repeat what had happened between them. 

"Sirius, you'll be sitting with us on the train, yeah?" asked Jamie through a mouthful of bacon.

"Yeah," Sirius replied, putting down his uneaten toast. The conversation continued. Sirius noticed that Josh was avoiding his eye. _Good_, thought Sirius. He didn't want a repeat of what had happened even though he didn't regret it.

The bell in the hall sounded, signalling that it was time for them to make their way down to the carriages for the station. Sirius swung his bad over his shoulder and waited for the others. Jamie was complaining about his abandoned bacon and Josh stayed silent, but that wasn't any different to his normal behaviour. 

Sirius saw Peter, James and Remus climb into the carriage ahead of them and felt a familiar pang of sadness. He settled himself next to Matt, who closed the door of the carriage in the face of some Ravenclaw seventh years who had tried to follow them on. "I think we have enough time for one," he said, lighting a cigarette. The others followed suit. 

They passed the short journey in silence, flicking the cigarette buts out of the window as they approached the station. Sirius opened the door and left first, accompanied by a fog of smoke. Several people around them looked up and crinkled their noses at the smell but they soon disappeared when Sirius stared blankly at them, unnerving them. 

The five of them managed to get a train carriage by themselves after finding their luggage and stowing it in the luggage racks. The journey passed pleasantly for all except Sirius. He spent much of the time with his magazine open but actually staring out of the window. He couldn't wait to find Julia who still hadn't written back, and Will, but that was just for the 'medication'. He was trying not to think about Grimmuald Place at all.

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The train pulled into Platform Nine and Three Quarters at Kings Cross Station and as it stopped, messily dressed Wizards streamed from the train to greet their parents. All except Sirius. He slipped from the train, immaculately dressed in drainpipe black jeans and a Lacoste coat and was immediately met by Regulus who looked at him knowingly in the eye, almost as though he could feel the terror Sirius felt inside. He squeezed Sirius' arm reassuringly as Kreacher appeared with a sharp crack in front of them. They earned a few startled looks from the surrounding families at the noise and any Muggle-Borns watched in interest as Kreacher levitated the boy's trunks before him.

Sirius overheard on boy whispering loudly to his mother, "They're purebloods. They're practically _royalty_ at school and…" the boy tailed off when he caught Sirius gaze. 

As Kreacher raised his free hand to snap all three of them back to Grimmuald place, Sirius found Remus' face in the crowd. He was with his parents discussing something with the Potters. Probably him. They all knew of course. Mr Potter and the Lupins' looked furious, Mrs Potter less so, more pitiful. Sirius felt a gut wrenching shame stir inside just as Kreacher snapped his fingers and he felt himself hoisted up as though by an invisible hook and dragged through space.

Sirius and Regulus landed perfectly, not even stumbling after the flight, just like they had been taught to do. Sirius could feel his hands trembling already, with fear but also because the last line he had taken was on the train at least and hour before. The elated, carefree feeling he had felt then was completely gone, leaving him feeling worse than he would have normally. 

Perkins met them in the hall, carrying a basket of dirty clothes ready to be washed. "Your parents are out at the Ministry. Something to do with your Fathers work," he said, smiling at the boys. Kreacher cast Sirius a dirty looked and slipped down the stairs into the kitchen to start dinner. "They will be back later, at about nine o'clock, I think," Perkins continued, "and I advise you to be home." He was looking at Sirius in particular.

Sirius forced a smile. "I will be," he lied.

Perkins raised an eyebrow, clearly not believing him. 

Sirius turned to the door. "I'd better say hello to people early then, so I can be back in time," he said, opening the door. The cold, December air hit him so he grabbed a Hermes scarf from the hat stand by the door.

"Hang on Sirius," Perkins said, shocked. "You've only been home about two minutes."

Regulus hadn't said anything yet but Sirius caught the cold look he had sent at him. it was almost as if his brother _knew_ what he was going to do. 

Sirius shrugged, bid them goodbye and left the house.

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No one was under the bridge, probably because there was a strong, freezing wind driving under it from the Thames. Sirius drew his coat tighter around him, lit a cigarette to keep warm and dug his free hand into his pocket. He marched quickly to stay warm and headed to the nearest cash point to withdraw cash, and then on to the underground station to catch the tube to Mark's flat in East London. 

The journey look little under half and hour, and the sky was overcast when Sirius found himself striding through the concrete court at the foot of a tower block of flats. A group of tracksuit-clad school children kicked a can at him, laughing, but Sirius didn't have the energy to confront them. The lift wasn't working, so he walked the flights of stairs up to the twelfth floor, out of breath as he knocked on the door to the correct flat. 

It opened and Mark stood there, surprised at Sirius's appearance. "Well, well," he said smoothly. " We 'haven't seen you here for a while, have we?"

"Are you going to let me in or not?" Sirius snapped, not in the mood for chitchat.

Mark laughed, infuriating Sirius more and opened the door to let Sirius pass. The living room was as filthy as it always had been but was empty. From behind the door to the first bedroom leading off the living room came the sound of squeaking bedsprings and a muffled panting noise. Sirius raised an eyebrow and looked at Mark who, for some reason, looked shifty. 

Mark shrugged and quickly asked, "what can I do for you today then? I can get it now and you can be on your way."

Sirius wasn't stupid. Mark wanted him out of there but he wasn't bothered enough to ask for a reason why. "Five grams of coke, and ten of heroine," Sirius said quickly.

Mark crossed to the kitchen, where at least a weeks worth of dirty plates and cutlery were piled haphazardly beside the sink. A layer of dust and congealed slime covered most of the surfaces in the narrow, dimly lit room and the sink was filled half full with grimy water. It was into this water that Mark put his hand; his sleeve rolled up, and pulled out a key. He then crossed to the boiler and opened it up, wiping his wet hand on his trousers as he did so. The boiler had been stripped down on the inside and was filled with carefully assembled piles of various drugs, all neatly sealed in clear plastic bags. Mark picked one bag of cocaine of one pile and two bags of heroine of another and brought them back to Sirius. Sirius took them and stashed them in his inside coat pocket, also pulling out fifty pounds in notes. Mark took this, went back to the boiler and stashed the money carefully in a brown envelope. He quickly locked the boiler again and dropped the key back into the water. 

Rubbing his hands together in what seemed a nervous manner, he moved towards the door. The panting in the bedroom had stopped and Sirius could head people moving about. Mark glanced over to the bedroom door and then back at Sirius. "Best get going, hadn't we," he mumbled.

Sirius frowned. Something was going on. He was about to answer when the bedroom door opened and Ritz, Wills fried came out, dressed only in his ripped jeans. He was very skinny and his hair was shaved short. He stopped when he noticed Sirius and looked suddenly nervous. 

Sirius narrowed his eyes. _What the hell is going on here? _

A woman was moving in the room behind Ritz. She approached the doorway, dressed only in a towel and wrapped her arms around Ritz's waist. It was Julia.

Sirius felt his stomach plummet to the floor. But… the letter… she was pregnant, not shacked up with one of his friends. "What the fuck.." he said loudly, staring at her.

She jumped violently at the voice, having not seen Sirius in the hallway. She moved quickly away from Ritz, pulling the dressing gown round her slender frame. She looked terrified. And not pregnant. 

"Sirius," she said, breathing heavily.

"What the _fuck_!" Sirius repeated, louder. "_You_," he snarled, pointing viciously at Ritz, "and _you_!" He shouted, this time pointing at Julia. She had the decency to look embarrassed. 

"I can explain," she whispered, petrified.

"Explain what, Julia? I go away and you suddenly start fucking around like a little whore?"

Julia blushed scarlet and Ritz took a step forward. 

"Calm down mate," Mark said, stepping forward too.

"Oh piss off," Sirius spat at him. "The last time I heard from you," he said, turning back to Julia, who had shrunk back into the doorway, "you were pregnant and I've spent the last few months fucking worrying myself to _death_ about you, you ungrateful cunt."

"Don't call her that," Ritz muttered, but he didn't do anything else probably because Sirius looked as if he would have stabbed him if he so much as approached him. 

Sirius didn't appear to hear him. "Were you? Were you pregnant or was that just another lie?"

Julia had tears streaming down her face. She nodded. "Yeas, yes I was but…"

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "But what? What the fuck did you do?"

Julia sniffed and looked desperately at Ritz, then to Mark. Both men looked away. At least this wasn't their business. "I was scared Sirius. I did what I have to do because I couldn't cope with that. Not now-"

"Did you… get rid of it?" Sirius whispered, dreading the answer. _Let it be an accident. Don't let it be an abortion. Please…_

Julia nodded.

Sirius covered his mouth with one hand, shocked to the core. He felt like something precious that he never knew he had had been taken from him. 

Ritz and Mark had backed away to the kitchen where then were whispering intently, trying to block out the tension in the living room. 

Julia moved forward tentatively. She reached out and gently touched Sirius on the arm.

He didn't react. "But Julia, that was my baby too. How could you have done this and not have told me?"

"It's better this way," she said, clearly surprised at Sirius' reaction. "I didn't think you would have cared-" she was cut off as Sirius backhanded her soundly across the cheek, throwing her head to one side.

Mark ran in from the kitchen and pulled Sirius roughly back, shaking him. "What the hell are you doing? You don't hit women like that."

Sirius was shaking his head, breathing hard. "She's not a woman. She's a monster. A fucking monster!" He added, shouting viciously at Julia, who stood sobbing into Ritz's shoulder. 

There was a knock at the door. With one hand on Sirius' shoulder, Mark opened the door, keeping it on the chain. Clearly relived at the person behind it, he closed it again, undid the chain and opened the door. "Come in mate. Quickly."

The person slipped inside. It was Will. He looked from Sirius to Julia to Mark and understood what had happened instantly. "Lets go," he muttered to Sirius, pulling him away from Mark and into the dingy hallway. 

Sirius pulled himself free as Mark slammed the door shut and drew the chain across it. He marched down the corridor towards the stairs and away from Will who he just couldn't face at that moment. He could hear Will following him, trying to catch up as he ran down the stairs. Sirius felt distraught and the concrete building was trapping him, suffocating him. His drugs pressed comfortingly into his chest. Now all he needed was to stop off at a pharmacy, pull the old diabetic scam and forget Julia forever. 

"Sirius! Wait!" he heard Will call as he ran across the forecourt towards the main road. Will grabbed his arm to stop him but he shrugged him off and ran faster. In a sudden burst of effort, Will grabbed him and spun him round.

"For fuck sake Sirius, get a hold of yourself," Will panted.

Sirius was breathing heavily, looking up at the tower block where Julia was probably screwing Ritz again. "You don't know how much I cared about her"

Will snorted. "You had a fine way of showing it. Fucking up life with me." He quickly added, "I'm not taking sides in this. I don't really care to tell the truth."

"Thanks," Sirius said dully. After a short pause, he added, "can I come back to your place?" 

They looked each other in the eye for a few moments until it became awkward. They were both thinking of when they had kissed and had sex and that had brought along enough problems anyway. "Sure," answered Will at last.

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Will lived in a flat a few train stops away, specially designated for young people who needed a place to live. He dug a key out of his jeans pocket and opened the front door straight into the living room. It contained a battered sofa and matching armchair, a coffee table littered with crap, an old television and a random potted plant. 

Sirius edged in and noticed that the windowsills both in this room and in the kitchen, which was only separated by a breakfast bar, were adorned with cactuses potted in empty glass jars. The overall effect was quite nice. The room was fairly tidy but that may have just been down to the fact that Will didn't seem to own much. On the rack under the coffee table, Sirius could make out a few back-copies of playboy, a pack of cigarettes and a copy of The Exorcist. The walls were covered in textured wallpaper which had been painted ruby red. Sirius ran his hand down the wall.

"It used to be flowery." Will said. He had shut the door and locked it. "I couldn't live in that," he added, fidgeting slightly. He looked nervous, as though waiting for Sirius to scorn his flat. 

Instead he smiled. "I like it."

Will looked relieved and took of his coat. He took Sirius' too and hung them on a couple of pegs by the door. 

"You're quite tidy, aren't you?" Sirius remarked. 

Will grinned. "Yeah. Silly really. I can inject heroine using puddle water and a syringe found on the street but I can't stand a glass put down on the table without a coaster."

Sirius laughed properly for the first time in what seemed like ages. "I don't like mess either. But I wouldn't use puddle water."

Will laughed too. "You'll get there one day." 

Sirius sat down on the edge of the sofa, feeling slightly out of place.

"Take your shoes off or whatever, if you want to," Will called from the kitchen where he had gone to fetch a couple of beers. 

Sirius did so and started sorting through the litter on the table trying to find some equipment to get a fix. And yes, the half empty glass of water was on a coaster. He managed to find a syringe, spatula and box of matched so he got a fix ready for both him and Will.

Will came back in with the beers, places them on some beer mats and sat down close next to Sirius. He lay back, relaxed, on the sofa and watched the younger boy intently. "You can do me Sirius," he murmured, holding out his left forearm, adorned with track marks and closing his eyes. 

Sirius turned to him with a syringe and gave Will his fix, watching a he visibly relaxed and moaned in pleasure. Sirius' heart quickened slightly. Then he injected himself too. 

They both lay together on the sofa as the heroine buzzed through their system. Sirius had his head resting on Wills chest and he stroked his hair, almost reassuringly. Neither of them seemed to realise what they were doing. 

Suddenly, Will sat up straight, knocked Sirius to the side and prepared four lines of cocaine on the table in front of them. He snorted two, and invited Sirius to do the same. "Nothing beats good old coke to bring you down gently from a heroine high," Will said. 

Sirius felt the rush that cocaine brought, although it was dulled by the comedown from the heroine. He crawled behind where Will was perched on the edge of the sofa putting away the bag of cocaine, and lay down along the length of the sofa. 

"I see you've nicked my place," Will remarked, feigning coolness. 

Sirius didn't answer, but just stared at Will intently, acutely aware of the other boys quickened breathing. He didn't know what he was doing but he was too far gone to care or stop himself. 

Will turned round and crawled over Sirius until he had straddled his waist. He bent forward carefully and brushed his lips over Sirius'.

That was all Sirius had been waiting for. Hungrily, he pulled Will on top of him and wrapped his legs around his waist, kissing him deeply. Their tongues mingled and Will sucked gently on Sirius' bottom lip. Sirius ran his hands over Wills back, and could feel his own penis pushing against his jeans. 

Will could feel it too and quickly unzipped Sirius' trousers. Grinning, he licked Sirius' lips one last time before moving down slowly.

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As the sunset, the two boys lay together on the sofa. Sirius was still underneath, perfectly contented, with Wills head on his chest and each of his thighs propped up either side of Wills chest, making a sort of cradle. Their breathing had settled into a steady rhythm. 

"You would never have done this when I first met you," Will said quietly.

Sirius grunted in agreement. "People change I suppose," he said sleepily. There was a moment's silence, broken only by the evening traffic on the road outside. "I'm not gay Will," he said, before quickly adding, "although there's nothing wrong with that. It's just not me…"

"Shut up Sirius," said Will, grinning. "I'm not either so you don't need to explain. I'm just using you for rough sex."

Sirius snorted with laughter. "With men, you don't have to worry about being rough and hurting them. Like you, I could hit you or something and it wouldn't matter because you're a man." 

"Although you did hit Julia," Will commented bluntly.

There was a pause. "Oh God, I did, didn't I?" He drummed his fingers on the sofa. "I shouldn't have done that, but you don't know how angry I was. My mother has had loads of miscarriages so it just pissed my off."

"Hmmmmmm…" murmured Will. "Shut up now because I'm tired. I take it you're staying?"

Sirius remembered Perkins warning earlier. It was too late now anyway. "Yeah, I am," he said.

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Whoop whoop! I finally got it finished and I apologise for taking that long to update. Quite a long one too. Hope you enjoyed it and I'll try to update quicker. 


	18. Chapter 17

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Regulus' point of view

He was just asked one simple thing. _Be home before your parents get home._ But no, he had to creep in at six o'clock this morning. I know because I was awoken by the idiot throwing stones at my bedroom window so I could let him in. He looked quite happy, to tell the truth, which makes a nice change because I never see him smiling or laughing much these days. Fair enough, because he seems to have had a pretty bad argument with his friends but I don't know what about. I don't want to ask. And his new friends are _much_ worse than Potter. I've heard rumours about the people he hangs around with now. Some say they do drugs, which I believe after I saw Sirius snort cocaine last summer. I really don't know what to think of him anymore.

He had at least had the decency to look worried when I opened the door for him. He smelled different but I decided not to mention it. "For fuck sake Sirius, this is ridiculous. How could you do this on the first night?"

He didn't answer my question, but asked, "Did they notice I was gone?"

Duh. "It was pretty obvious. And now Perkins is in trouble for letting you go out."

He looked guilty as we crept up the stairs, past our parents bedroom door and up the second flight of narrower stairs to our landing.

"I warn you Sirius, I think Mother and Father are this close," I held my thumb and forefinger close together, "from doing something drastic."

"And that hasn't happened already?" questioned Sirius as we reached our bedroom doors. "If they didn't make my life here so miserable, then maybe I would be here more often."

"But if you were here more often then they would lay off you more," I added. "It's a vicious circle, Sirius."

He looked at me for a moment before murmuring "I know," and turning away into his room. The door shut behind him.

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The next day started badly. Father called Sirius into his study just after breakfast and I'm guessing it was about his disappearance last night. There was no shouting, but Sirius came out with an angry bruise on his left cheek. Mother seemed quite upset. Maybe she, like me, feels that things are coming to a breaking point and one of them will snap soon. I think Sirius has taken all he can. So has Father too.

It's only two days until Christmas now because the school term ended really late. Kreacher put up a huge tree in the living room, adorned with silver and crystal ornaments. The whole house has been decked in these colours because Mother insists that everything must match. Really, she just wants to have a more festive house than the Malfoys or the Lestranges. We're going to have tea at Uncle Alphard's house on Christmas day. Father thinks he will die soon and it makes Sirius and I laugh to see all our parents and our other Uncles sucking up to the fanatical fool in hope of getting a share of his fortune. He's a Muggle lover so he doesn't go down well with the rest of the family. He seems to like Sirius though.

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I've decided to try and finish all of my holiday homework before Christmas so I can enjoy the rest of it in peace. I tried to convince Sirius to do the same earlier but he was playing his guitar and didn't take any notice of me. He really seems to have let things go recently because this time last year, he would have probably done the same but would have told his friends he did it all at the last minute. I think it's odd how he always used to lie and put a front up to his friends, as though he can't bare to show his real personality. He acts like a real Gryffindor but at home he's just like his cousins and me.

"Damn, I'm out of ink," I said aloud, standing up to get some more from the drawing room downstairs. It was dark outside now and as I left my room, the clock in the hallway chimed nine o'clock. I fetched a new bottle of ink and was just exiting the drawing room when I saw, at the top of the stairs, Father leaving his study just as Sirius was walking down the hall dressed in a winter jacket.

"You're pushing your luck boy," I heard Father say to Sirius who had clearly been banned from leaving the house. He looked tired and drawn, with grey circles under his eyes and his hair dishevelled. Sirius made to move past him down the stairs but Father pushed him back.

I moved back into the doorway and gripped the frame for support. I hated it with a passion when they fight. It's horrible to see you own Father beating your brother.

Sirius tried to move past again with more effort as though desperate to get past. Father blocked his path again, looking furiously at him. "Get out of the _way,_" said Sirius desperately.

"Don't you speak to me like that. I've been lenient with you so far-"

"Lenient!" cried Sirius, his eyes wide as though hardly believing Fathers words. "You hate me! I can't stand being in this house because of you. I hate you so mu-"

Whack. Father had backhanded Sirius sharply across the face, smashing his head to the side. There was a long pause as Sirius straightened up, breathing heavily. I could tell he was in pain. Suddenly, in one fluid motion, as though he was putting all of his hatred and pain into it, he brought his hand up and punched Father as hard as he could.

Father's hands shot up to his face but didn't hide his shock or bleeding nose. "You bastard!" he snarled, just as Mother opened the door of their bedroom and looked out at the hall and the scene at the top of the stairs. She looked between Father, bleeding, and Sirius who was shaking heavily.

"Get out of this house," Father whispered and I knew he was serious.

"No!" Mother cried quietly, stepping forward but was stopped by one perishing look from Father.

"Get out. You're no son of mine," Father repeated.

I could feel my hands sweating and my heart freezing. He couldn't mean it. If Sirius was gone, I would be alone…

Sirius moved past him but turned to face him at the top of the stairs. "You're no father of mine," he said veminously.

Father grabbed him violently but Sirius pushed away. There was one terrible moment punctuated by Mothers scream as Sirius tottered at the top of the heavy wooden staircase before he fell, tumbling down to the polished hall below where he lay on his back, eyes open in pain and breathing sharply. Blood trickled from a cut on his forehead. Mother grasped the banister in shock.

Father moved swiftly down the stairs towards Sirius, who tried to push himself away but couldn't sit up without gasping in pain. Father bent down and pulled him up viciously, grasping one of his arms painfully and the other hand in Sirius' hair. He cried out in pain. Father held his face near his own and hissed, "You are no longer my son. I have never laid eyes of you. If you think you are getting a penny of the Black family fortune you're wrong. I have never known any pureblood who has dishonoured their family more. You're disgraced." He pushed Sirius away.

Sirius swayed on the spot, holding his chest and trying to breath normally. He managed to cast one last scathing look at Father, before moving to the front door. I caught his gaze for a few last seconds, before my brother was gone forever.

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Quite a short chapter, but an important one.


	19. Chapter 18

I know the last chapter was quite short, but that's just because it had to end where it ended, you see

I know the last chapter was quite short, but that's just because it had to end where it ended, you see. This one will hopefully satisfy you more.

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James was sitting at the breakfast bar which separated the dining area from the kitchen in their spacious London home, and was eating a bowl of cereal even though dinner was soon. His mother was humming to a Christmas song playing on the wizarding radio and was finishing off a curry made of left over turkey for dinner. James looked up as he heard the key turn in the lock of the front door in the hall.

"Mum, I think that's dad," he said.

Mrs Potter turned off the radio as the front door slammed and Mr Potter walked briskly into the kitchen, pulling off his coat and scarf and throwing them down onto the bar.

"Darling," said Mrs Potter. "I thought you would be home much later after all of these raids on the ministry. Is something wrong?" she added, noticing her husbands upset expression.

"Yes. Something _is_ wrong. Sirius has been missing for three days."

There was a stunned silence, broken only by James' spoon clattering in his bowl. "What?" he said, feeling a horrible twinge of nervousness in his stomach.

"I overheard two men at work discussing it whilst I was getting coffee. It was Malfoy and Fuller. I'm not sure if you know him. Apparently Sirius ran away or went missing- they didn't make it clear- three days ago and has been gone over Christmas. They were agreeing that Orion was right in not letting him back, so I don't think anyone has been looking for him either."

Mrs Potter had her hands over her mouth in shock. "Over Christmas?" she whispered. "He's been missing over Christmas? Out somewhere, lost, in London with God knows who, whilst we've been sitting here? Oh the poor boy."

James stood up. "We have to look for him," he said, looking straight at his father, who he knew could get a Muggle car from work.

"He could be anywhere," Mr Potter pointed out and the realisation of their task suddenly dawned on James.

"We could start with Diagon Alley. He might have been there. It's worth a try," James added desperately.

His mother glanced at the clock. "But what if he isn't. It's already a quarter to six and it's nearly dark. There won't be much we can do."

"Please," cried James suddenly. "I haven't spoken to him all term after what he did but if something happened to him I would never forgive myself."

Mrs Potter squeezed his arm reassuringly. "Of course we'll look for him. I'm just not sure how we're going to find him."

They all fetched coats, gloves and scarves, then held hands as Mr Potter aparated them to the Ministry. "Wait here," he said and left them in the foyer to organize transport.

He was gone only five minutes, whilst James tapped his foot against the marble floor impatiently, too distracted to notice the gleaming golden statues and water feature in the middle of the massive room. Mr Potter clutched some Muggle car keys in his hands when he returned and led them to a discreet wooden door along the back door. Behind it was a flight of stairs which led out into a back alley in Muggle London.

The courtyard they found themselves in was lined with smart black Muggle saloon cars, and a Ministry official huddled in a security booth, trying in vain to keep warn in the chilly December night air. He jumped up when he saw Mr Potter, a high-ranking Ministry member striding towards him. The guard ushered them to the nearest car, asked Mr Potter to sign a sheet of parchment before the wall in front of them dissolved and they were able to drive out onto the almost empty Muggle street.

"Do you know the way to the Leaky Cauldron from here?" asked Mrs Potter who sat fidgeting in the passenger seat whilst James sat staring distractedly out of the window on the spacious back seat.

"Just about," Mr Potter replied, stopping at some traffic lights.

The journey took little over fifteen minutes. The roads were relatively clear as it was just after Christmas and the night had turned very cold so whoever was out was hurrying away to find somewhere warm. James worried that Sirius might be stranded somewhere in this weather, hurt or lost, a thought that had occurred to them all although no one had wanted to voice their concerns.

The car slowed and stopped outside the Leaky Cauldron and they all climbed out. Mr Potter locked the car and held open the door of the pub for the others to enter first. The pub was filled with witches and wizards taking refuge form the cold of Diagon Alley and were warming themselves with butterbeers in front of the roaring open fire. The light flickered in the dark corners, creating the impression of a comforting blanket over everything in the busy room. James however, didn't feel its warmth.

Mr Potter had already pushed his way to the front of the bar to talk to the barman on duty that night. James could see the man shaking his head and shrugging and he felt a sinking feeling of fear and dread. _Fuck. What if we never find him?_ he tried to banish the negative thoughts but they hovered in his mind anyway.

"I'm just quickly going to the toilet," he muttered to his mum before pushing his way towards the narrow corridor leading to them on the left. He turned the corner and bumped heavily into someone walking the other way. "Oh, sorry-" he began, before realising who it was. "Andie!" he cried. It was Sirius' cousin.

She didn't look very well. Her face was paler than usual and tired grey bags circled her eyes. She stopped, looking at him before bursting into tears and grabbing him tightly.

"Andie… what's the matter?" James said, shocked at her reaction as she hugged him. they had never been particularly good friends but he could guess what was wrong and knew that there was nothing he could do.

She let go of him, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. "I… I'm not supposed to say," she said shakily, trying to recover from her tears. "But you must know that… that…"

"Sirius ran away," James finished for her.

"You know!" she cried.

James nodded. "Dad overheard at work. What happened?"

"He didn't run away. He was thrown out but I think he would have left anyway. It's been awful. We're staying with them for a few days. His mother is distraught, but I don't know why because she has never shown him any affection before." 

"But what happened? Why was he thrown out?" James was puzzled. He had never heard Sirius speak of any real family troubles. Not anything that could have led to this.

Andie frowned. "You mean he hasn't told you?"

"Hasn't told me what?"

Andie looked uncomfortable. "It's not really my place to say. He'll have he reasons for not saying anything."

"Andie," James said angrily. "Tell me what's wrong with Sirius now!"

She bit her lip. "He doesn't get on with his dad. He hates him and they sometimes fight." She paused, seeming to consider what she was about to say carefully. She continued, "They had an argument, Regulus was telling me, and… oh God… Sirius…," she paused again, looking worried, "Sirius fell back, back down the stairs. Apparently he looked hurt." She was crying again. "Regulus doesn't know what to do James. He can't leave his mother and Sirius could be in real trouble."

James was trying to take all of this information in. "We're looking for him," he stated simply, as though that would help.

Unexpectedly, Andie's eyes lit up. "Then you could find him!" she cried.

"We don't know where he is. London's a huge place and he could be anywhere."

"No! I know where you could look. Ages ago I was walking with Bella and mother along a Muggle street in a rough part of London. Don't ask," she added because she sensed that James was about to point out that this was a very un-purebloody thing to do. "There was a mix-up with our lift and the carriage couldn't get through the traffic to us, so we had to walk up. Anyway, we were walking when Bella noticed Sirius walking the other side of the road. We saw him stop at a black door with one of those Muggle things… you know," she mimed jabbing a button.

"A phone?"

"Yeah, that's it. He pressed the third one up, I think and then this blonde man opened the door for him and he followed him up. That was it."

"And…?"

Andie tutted impatiently. "You can be so slow James. You can start there. If Sirius isn't there, then that man might know where he is. It's a start, and you have to look because I can't. I've only been allowed out to get more ink."

The reality of Andie's story dawned on James as he realised there was still hope. If Sirius was hurt, he would need to be found quickly. "What road was this?"

Andie took out a Muggle biro and scrawled the address on James' hand. "Try to find him. Please. I don't know who else to ask. I know you have had your differences this past term but please, you're all he has left."

James smiled. "I'll try to find him. Don't worry," he said as he pushed his way back to his parents, all thoughts about the toilet forgotten.

"You were a while," Mr Potter remarked, looking at his watch. "Tom is away, but this barman hasn't seen Sirius at all."

James quickly told his exciting story to his parents who immediately grasped the situation. "We have to go dad, we have to," he pleaded.

Mr Potter simply nodded and led them back to the car.

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The road definitely fitted in with Andie's description of the 'rough end of town'. It was fairly empty, except for one man walking drunkenly at the far end of the road. Black plastic bags sat out by the kerb and litter was scattered up and down the pavements. Most of the shops, except a late night café were shuttered, with graffiti sprayed onto the metal grates.

"Stay here," said Mr Potter. He took a slip of paper and a pen in case he had to write down an address before leaving the car and walking carefully over to a derelict black door, peering into a darkened alleyway before relaxing slightly. He pressed the third button up and waited. After a few minutes, the door opened. A tall, blonde man stood in the dim light of the doorway. A steep flight of steps rose up behind him, presumably leading to other flats. James watched as the man spoke and his dad explained who he was looking for. The man stepped out into the streetlamp light and James could see him clearer. He was quite young, James guessed about seventeen, with longish blonde hair and a quite handsome face. He held a lit cigarette and took a drag before answering whatever it was Mr Potter had said. After a few minutes of talking, James saw his dad take out his pen and start scribbling down and address. He straightened up, thanked the man and came back to the car. As he sat down, James looked back at the man who was now watching them carefully from the doorway, leaning against the wall and smoking. James met his eyes and looked away, unnerved.

"What did he say?" asked Mrs Potter as they drove away.

"I knew straight away when I mentioned Sirius that the boy knew him. He looked at me as though _I _shouldn't have known him but I wanted to ask him the same question." 

"Had he seen Sirius?" James asked excitedly.

"He said no but he might have been lying. I couldn't tell. He did give me an address though, of a club in east London where he had said Sirius might be, but was reluctant to suggest anywhere else. If he's not there, we can ask around but I would say that young man back there was our best bet."

James felt a sinking feeling. If that man hadn't seen Sirius, then he could be anywhere. _He could be dead_, he thought. Lots of teenage runaways were found dead later but, he reminded himself, most turned up sooner or later.

They sat in silence, all trapped in their own thoughts as Mr Potter drove them east, following his directions. This time the journey was over forty minutes and it was nearly ten o'clock by the time Mr Potter told them all to look out for club, called 'The Zoo', as he crawled at a snail pace along the darkened road. They were in very rundown area, and James couldn't see anyone along the pavements, although that was mainly due to the fact that none of the streetlights were on. Suddenly, up ahead, James heard a faint beat, which grew louder as they approached it. Red light spilled out of a door on the left, the only light visible in the otherwise pitch-black road. James could make out a few people loitering about, dressed mainly in skinny jeans and ripped T-shirts. One boy was sitting on the kerb, his feet in the road, smoking a spliff which he passed a girl on his right. James could clearly hear the music spilling from the club along with the noise of people and a lot of smoke.

Mr Potter stopped the car. "Wait here," he said.

"Be careful," called Mrs Potter as he slammed the door and walked hesitantly over to the entrance, his coat pulled closely around him. He attracted little attention from the young people outside although he couldn't have stood out more. And then he disappeared inside the club.

James and Mrs Potter sat in silence in the dark car, watching the antics of the people on the kerb. "Thanks God you're not like that," Mrs Potter whispered, not seeming to want to break the silence.

The time ticked on. Ten past… quarter past… twenty past. James was watching the clock.

And then suddenly Mr Potter was pushing his was back onto the street, carrying Sirius like a baby in his arms. He ran over as James opened the back door from the inside allowing his dad to lie Sirius on the back seat. He still hadn't moved. Mr Potter shut the door, ran round, got into his seat and drove away.

James didn't know what to do. It had all happened so quickly.

"Hold his head James," his dad told him. "Put it in your lap or something."

James did as he was told, noticing as he did so the dried blood in his hair, the nasty bruises on his face, the unhealthy tone of his skin and the purple circles around his eyes. He looked like a vampire from one of the Muggle horror movies, James had thought. "What's wrong with him?" he whispered, still in shock as he cradled Sirius' head carefully.

"I'm not sure. He's unconscious, I know that much," replied Mr Potter, turning off onto a main road and following directions to the hospital.

"How did you find him?" asked Mrs Potter, her voice still at a whisper, tears in her eyes as she looked over her shoulder at the boys.

"He was just lying there, unconscious on a sofa. No one was doing anything about him. Everyone there looked like druggies, excuse the stereotype, because lots were just lulling around smoking, whilst the others were hyped up and dancing. It took me a while to find him but I just scooped him up and got him out of there."

Mrs Potter put her hand reassuringly on her husband's knee. She was crying now out of shock and motherly affection for Sirius.

Mr Potter turned into the A&E of the hospital and pulled up near the entrance. They all got out and Mr Potter carried Sirius into the hospital in the same way he had before. James couldn't quite belive what was happened and jogged along behind his father in a daze. He was alarmed to see Sirius' head loll back and it was in this bright electric light that he could finally see just how injured Sirius was.

The hospital was busy but a doctor and a nurse ran over straight away when they say Mr Potter and Sirius. They led him over to a spare bed and Mr Potter laid him down carefully. They were pushed back as the Muggle medical team gave Sirius a quick examination. James had never seen Muggle doctors before and was amazed that they seemed to be checking most of the same things as an St Mungo's healer would. One doctor was shining a light into Sirius eyes whilst another checked his pulse.

The nurse approached them. "Hi, I'm Mary," she told them in a strict, no-nonsense voice. "We need to know, do you know what has happened here?"

They all shook their heads and were unable to help her any more in her questions except the obvious ones about his age and name etc.

"Ok, don't you worry," she said, more reassuringly now. "Would you like to wait in the relatives room whilst the doctors sort him out? He's in safe hands now."

James nodded mutely and followed his parents into an impersonal, blank room with a coffee machine and a few, month old magazines. He sat down numbly on one of the hard plastic chairs and shut his eyes, trying to let all of the evenings events sink in.

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Duh duh duuuuuuh! Lol! I hope this was long enough. It was a crucial chapter but you'll find out more later.


	20. Chapter 19

James sat next to Sirius staring at the various monitors linked up to him

James sat next to Sirius staring at the various monitors linked up to him. The steady fluctuating lines were almost hypnotic, along with the steady beep of the heart monitor. Sirius had been moved to a semi-private ward and the Potters were still waiting for him to come round.

James looked up as a young doctor walked into the ward, glancing down at his clipboard and whilst making his way over to Sirius' bed. He smiled warmly. "Hello. I'm Doctor Cameron. Mary has passed Mr Blacks details on to me." He spoke with a soft Irish accent and moved over to check some of the monitors. After making some more notes, he turned back to the Potters and asked, "Has Mary told you about Sirius' blood tests?"

Mrs Potter shook her head, even though being Wizards; none of them had a clue what he was talking about. "What did you do to his blood?" She asked.

Dr Cameron looked at her oddly, hardly expecting an adult to have to ask such a simple question. He shrugged and replied, "we took a small sample to test for any medication or whatever, and the results are back. And I must admit they're slightly worrying."

The Potters exchanged an alarmed glance.

Mr Cameron flicked through a couple of pages on his clipboard until he seemed to find what he was looking for. "And you said that he is just sixteen?"

"Yes," said James quietly, looking carefully at Sirius' thin, tired face. "Sixteen in November."

"Right," said Dr Cameron, looking up. "Well, it's certainly not good news I'm afraid. I mean-" he added hastily after noticing Mrs Potters upset face "he'll be fine in theory. Let me explain. We found traces of heroin and cocaine in his blood as well as alcohol. A deadly mix, especially for a teenager."

James stared at the doctor in shock. _Drugs? Holy shit._ Mrs Potter sank into a chair and Mr Potter gripped the rail of the bed. They all stared at Sirius.

"The amount in his bloodstream was enough to kill him so he's lucky to be alive," continued Dr Cameron. "Seeing as he is still underage, he legally has to go into counselling-"

"Stupid, stupid boy!" cried Mrs Potter suddenly. She was staring at Sirius motionless in the bed with a strange look on her face; a cross between anger, pity and exasperation.

Mr Potter put a hand reassuringly on her shoulder.

Dr Cameron looked uncomfortable but continued, "These things often have roots at home, if you see what I mean. You'll have to talk to a professional counsellor though. In the meantime, will you be taking him home or can we contact his parents."

"No, we'll take him," said James quickly, earning approving looks from his parents who had hoped that his argument with Sirius was now over.

"Right, I'll go and get someone who'll be able to help you now. He should be ok and can be discharged in the morning depending."

"On what?" asked Mr Potter.

"On whether he's an addict or not. That complicates things because then he would need regular morphine injections. He's had a morphine shot anyway so we can't tell but we'll know soon. I'll send someone along now." He smiled and left the ward.

A stunned silence was left in his wake.

"I had no idea," said James. "This could have been going on for ages."

Mrs Potter bit her lip. "I wonder why he has been taking drugs?"

James snorted. "It's obviously because of his new friends. Their complete crack heads and now he is. He was probably trying to be cool. Idiot," he added bitterly.

"James," reprimanded his father. "Don't jump to conclusions. Are you really that surprised?"

James and his mother both looked at him in shock. "Are you not?" asked James.

Mr Potter shrugged. "He's been smoking for ages hasn't he?"

"Yes but that doesn't mean-" cried James before his father interrupted.

"Think about it for a moment. His family are strictly pure-blooded Slytherins. And he's not. Is he? He was sorted into the wrong house according to his parents. No wonder he doesn't appear to spend any time at home. Has he ever talked about his family?"

James shook his head. " I know they're rich, obviously. Purebloods are, aren't they? But no…"he looked puzzled. "No, he had never ever talked about his family. I've never realised!"

"I wouldn't be surprised if they don't get on at all-"

"Understatement of the year," muttered Sirius.

They all gasped and lent forward. Mrs Potter ran round the bed, knelt down and grasped his limp hand. "You're awake," she cried.

"Unfortunately," said Sirius quietly. Every move seemed to take a lot of effort.

"How long have you been awake?" asked James.

"A few minutes. It's odd to hear ones life analysed for someone else's point of view."

James smiled bitterly. "How do you feel?"

"Terrible." He coughed wheezily and closed his eyes. "What happened?"

James looked at his father who quickly explained how they has tracked him down and taken him to the hospital.

Sirius didn't speak at the end of the explanation for a few minutes. "What's happening now? When can I go?"

The Potters looked at each other. "What's the hurry? Where are you planning _to_ go?" asked Mrs Potter quietly.

Sirius didn't answer.

James noticed Sirius hands were twitching slightly and he caught his father's attention and nodded at them. Mr Potter looked at them gravely coming to the came conclusion James had. Sirius eyes opened and James saw them dart from the window to the door. He was clearly nervous.

The awkward silence was broken by a young, fair-headed man knocking quietly on the doorframe, as the door to the ward was already open. He smiled apologetically. " I hope I'm not intruding. My name's Dr Hert, but you can call me Edward." He strode forward and shook Mr and Mrs Potters hands. "Dr Cameron has passed Sirius's case onto me as I am a counsellor specialising in youth cases." He smiled at Sirius who narrowed his eyes back, which only made Edward grin more.

"I'm sorry," said Mrs Potter, "but this has all happened so fast I'm not sure what's happening. When can Sirius come home?"

"As I understand it, he can leave tomorrow but I will have to speak to you in private about that. And then," he turned to Sirius, still lying fidgeting in bed, "we can get to the bottom of all this."

Sirius rolled his eyes, passing off his fear of them finding out about his secrets as nonchalance. He was panicking now, realising that whilst being trapped in this hospital he would have to remain clean, and therefore would remember things he wanted to forget. He knew he wouldn't be able to cope, but time was already running out as he could feel the high of the morphine ebbing away leaving a gnawing hunger in him. His hands were sweating and twitching; his breath was coming in short gasps. He could see his t-shirt and jacket he had arrived in folded at the foot of his bed. If only they would all go, he could get out of the hospital robe and run. At least they had left his jeans on for now. Will would take him. Drugs would take him. He realised they were talking to him and tried to concentrate.

"…Don't think he's listening." Edward had been speaking but he now turned to Mr and Mrs Potter and asked to speak to them outside. They three of them left, leaving Sirius alone with James.

Sirius closed his eyes, trying not to let James see how jumpy he was getting.

"Sirius," James started. "I- I'm sorry I was such a shit last term. I was just really- really angry at you and-" but he broke off because Sirius didn't seem to be listening to him. Instead, he was pulling the various wires of him, yanking them away desperately, breathing heavily.

James stood up in alarm as Sirius grabbed his arm to pull himself off the bed. He still wore his skinny red jeans. He seemed to gasp slightly and fall back to sit on the bed, holding his head in pain. He was shaking uncontrollably and whimpering. James stepped away in shock. He could see goose bumps on Sirius' forearms and, worse still, track lines and self-harming scars. James couldn't take his eyes off them. _How did we share a room whilst he was doing this?_

"James…" Sirius was moaning, "James… help me get out… help me get away from here. I need to go…"

James touched Sirius gently on the shoulder but he lurched away violently, suddenly staring at James in terror.

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Outside in the corridor, the Potters and Edward were discussing Sirius and what would happen to him.

"So, you know his parents and know he won't take him back?" Edward was asking Mr Potter.

"Yes. I don't think he would go anyway. I can't _believe _this is happening."

"It's always just as hard for the family to cope with drug addiction as the sufferer."

"So you do think it is drug addiction?" asked Mrs Potter.

Edward nodded. "I would say so. He was twitching and sweating in there. Now, we have two options: sudden withdrawal or gradual withdrawal. As he is young and has not been taking drugs for too long I would say sudden withdrawal would not harm him although it would be more horrible for him. The other option is giving him prescribed doses of morphine which are reduced over a period of time so he can come off gently. Seeing as he s still as school, I would suggest the second one."

The Potters nodded. "What would we have to do?" asked Mrs Potter.

"Right, you would have to administer the morphine injections for him at allotted times during the day. A nurse will show you haw to do that if you agree. If not, then we will have to keep him in hospital to do it."

Mrs Potter shook her head. "No, the boys go back to boarding school in just over a week. He has to go."

"Just over a week?" asked Edward. "Well that complicated things. If you could administer the morphine until he leaves, then is there a school nurse who could do it at school?"

Mr Potter thought of Madame Pomfrey who was certainly capable of doing it. "Yes there is. The school would have to be informed anyway."

Edward nodded. "Of course. We'll finalise details later about that but in the meantime-"

"Sirius!" Mrs Potter suddenly cried, pointing through the glass door to where Sirius was.

He had collapsed to the floor, his knees drawn up to his chin and his head on his knees and was sobbing bitterly. James stood awkwardly at his side, not really sure what to do.

Edward called a nurse who came running before turning back to the Potters. "I think you had better go. Come in the morning to collect him. at eleven o'clock."

Mr Potter called James out as they turned to go. James could still hear Sirius crying as they made their was down the corridor.

Mrs Potter put her arm around him. "We have to help him now darling. Your father ad I know what to do but he's going to need your support more than anybodies."

James nodded, still in shock at the way Sirius had acted. He would write to Remus and Peter when he got home.

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Sirius was sedated again. He slipped off into the drugged calm of his mind with no violent images to assault him this time.

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I'm sorry it took so long to update. GCSEs and all that jazz. This is really one of those filler chapters but I hope it was ok.


	21. Chapter 20

Remus sat wearing his new Christmas jumper in the kitchen, spooning sugar onto his cereal

Remus sat wearing his new Christmas jumper in the kitchen, spooning sugar onto his cereal. His mother sat across the rough wooden table reading the Sunday Times in the cold winter morning light. The kitchen was silent save for the rustling of the paper, the spoon scraping against the china bowl and the muffled sounds of Remus' father getting out of the shower above them.

Remus suddenly looked up at the window, which gave views over the frost-covered countryside surrounding their house, as a haughty looking Long-Eared Owl landed noisily on the narrow window ledge. He jumped up and opened the window to let it in, recognising it as the Potters owl. He untied the letter attached to its leg, gave the owl a bowl of water to drink from and sat back down with the letter at the table.

"From James?" Asked Mrs Lupin. She and her husband had always likes James, Sirius and Peter because they accepted Remus as a werewolf where most of his peers would have shunned him. They knew about Sirius telling Snape about Remus' condition and although they were angry and disappointed, they knew it was up to Remus to decide what to do about him.

Remus nodded and ripped open the letter. It was quite long for James, surprising Remus as he started to read and quickly realised that it wasn't about meeting up in Diagon Alley as he had presumed.

_Hey Remus,_

_I don't really know how to put this but I think you will need to come down to my house because we've got Sirius. Let me explain. A couple of days ago dad found out at work that Sirius was missing, that he'd run away from home! I couldn't believe it. We knew that he didn't really get on with his parents, right? But I never realised how bad it must have been because he never talked about it. Anyway, we went out to find him and to cut a long story short, we tracked him down in a Muggle car to a dodgy part of east London in a club. It sounds strange now I write it but I'll explain in more detail when I see you and Peter. Dad went in and got him but he was unconscious so we took him to hospital. And this is the bit I still can't believe. They found cocaine and heroin in his blood! _

Remus' mouth fell open in shock. He read on quicker.

_You'll understand why they took his blood because your father is a Muggle but I still think that's disgusting. Drugs! That's terrible, right? The doctor there said he must have been taking them for a few months because he said it looks like he's built up a dependency on them. So it turns out that Sirius is a drug addict. Who would have guessed? Actually, now that I'm actually thinking about it, he did seem different when he came back from the summer holidays. We discussed it ages ago, remember? I mean, what else hasn't he told us?_

Remus thought of the scene he had witnessed between Sirius and Josh. Now he knew about the drugs, he wasn't as shocked.

_The doctors said that because he's sixteen he doesn't really have a choice about getting clean so they suggested that it would be best to give him injections of decreasing amounts of morphine so that's what we have to do. Not me personally, but my mum has offered to do it. She was shown how to earlier today. It's harder for us to do this because when the doctor talks about stuff like hypodermic needles and stuff (I really should have taken Muggle studies) we just have to nod along because it's stuff that Muggles would just know. The school had to know as well, but I think we need to talk to him and I don't want to do it alone. I'll answer all of your questions if you could just get down to London. You can stay the night tonight if you can get here. I've written to Peter too. Mum and dad seem to think that the drug problem had something to do with why Sirius told Snape about you, but I think something else is wrong with him. Oh, and my parents have told me I'm not allowed to be cross with him anymore because we obviously misjudged the situation. We'll talk more when we see each other._

_Send a reply back soon. _

_James._

Remus put the letter down numbly on the table and stared in shock at the soggy remnants of his cornflakes.

"Remus?" said his mother, putting down the paper in concern. "What's the matter?"

Remus passed her the letter for her to read. The clock above the oven ticked away, each tick echoing in the dead quiet of the kitchen.

"Oh…" murmured his mother as she finished reading. "You'll go to James'?" she asked.

Remus nodded. "If you can apparate me," he added hoarsely. Silence descended on the kitchen again.

"Drugs!" cried Mrs Lupin suddenly, voicing the word that was stuck in Remus' head.

"I know. I can't believe we never knew anything."

"You weren't looking. I suppose it wasn't a hard thing to hide."

Remus nodded and stood up. "I'll get dressed and get an overnight bag together," he said before running upstairs to get ready.

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The doorbell rang and James jogged across the hall from the sitting room to the door to answer it. Remus stood on the doorstep, dressed in a thick winter coat and an overnight bag flung over his shoulder. His mother stood behind him, clearly having apparated him there.

"Hey," said James, standing aside to let Remus in. "Mum said you can come in for a cup of tea," he added to Mrs Lupin who shook her head explaining that they had an electrician coming to the house so she needed to get back. James had no idea what an electrician was but let Remus say goodbye before his mother dissapparated with a loud crack.

"It's freezing out," said Remus, taking off his coat.

"Peter's already here," replied James, putting Remus' coat on the rack. "And Sirius is asleep in the spare room," he added, answering the question Remus was about to ask. They made there way to the sitting room where Peter was curled up at the end of one of the plush leather sofas.

Remus had time to admire James' house once more; the soft lighting, cream walls, leather sofas and little knick-knacks from all over the world collected by James' parents in their youth. The house was large and in an expensive area of London, but Remus loved it because it was so comforting. The fire was lit in the large, antique fireplace, warming Remus as he sunk onto the sofa and dug his toes into the thick, carpet.

James pulled over a huge leather beanbag which matched the sofas and threw himself onto it so he could face the other two. "He doesn't really have enough energy to be up for long. He doesn't sleep well though but the doctors said he wouldn't for a while."

"Why?" asked Peter.

"Apparently his body will take time to adjust to the decreasing amounts of morphine, which is a sort of heroin replacement. I think," he added, shrugging. "I'm not pretending to know what I'm talking about, by the way. I really have no idea how this all works. So he wakes quite often wanting more morphine which we can't give him."

"Has he already been given some morphine shots?" asked Remus.

"Yeah, two. It was horrible to watch though. I'm alright with broken bones and Wizarding injuries and stuff, but they stick this bit of metal into his arm…" he gestured."

"James, we've got Muggle parents," Peter said slowly as though talking to a young child. "We' know what an injection is."

James smiled. "Anyway," he continued, "he went a bit mad after first being injected, saying he could do it himself but dad didn't let him because he has to have a prescribed dose and he would have just taken it all. He went crazy, I mean, really crazy. I've never seen him like that, shouting at mum and dad. It was scary, probably because he never would have spoken to anyone like that in the past."

Their conversation was interrupted as Mrs Potter walked in carrying a tray of mugs of hot chocolate and a plate of chocolate biscuits.

"Aw, thanks Mrs Potter," said Peter, who sat up properly at the sight of the biscuits.

Mrs Potter smiled and left them to get back to the dinner she was cooking.

"Hey, why don't we take these up to my room because Sirius should be awake soon? Then we can talk to him." He picked up the tray and led the way upstairs to his bedroom.

He pushed open the door with his foot and place the tray on his desk. The room was not cluttered, but very messy. Clothes, books, the odd quill or scrap of parchment littered the floor but the bed was made and the other two boys sat down on it, their backs leaning against the wall. The walls were covered in Quidditch posters and James' broomstick lent against the wall in the corner by the large window overlooking the garden.

James shut the door and then rummaged through his desk for a pad of Muggle paper and a Muggle Biro, and with this he scribbled a quick note. "It's for Sirius," he explained, straightening up. "I'll put it by his bed so he'll know we're here and to come in." He left the room and Peter and Remus heard a door open quietly down the hall and a few seconds later, shut again. James came back into his bedroom and shut the door again.

As he sat down on his desk chair, Remus asked, "So how did you find him?"

"Yeah," echoed Peter, obviously wondering the same thing.

James explained in more detail exactly how they found Sirius, from his discussion with Andie, the stranger's house and then the club.

As he finished the story, Remus asked, "So who do you think this man was? What did he look like?"

James shrugged. "Blond, good-looking I suppose. Skinny - like Sirius. Dressed like him too-"

He was interrupted by a soft knock on the door.

They all looked at each other, before James called out, "Come in!"

The door opened quietly. Sirius stood in the doorway, one shaky hand grasping the door-handle, the other fidgeting by side. Remus and Peter, who hadn't seen him since the school term had ended, were immediately struck by how much his physical appearance had changed. He looked tired, pale and ill, with dark shadows rimming his eyes, not helped by the remnants of black eyeliner which must have been there for days. A heavy bruise stood out on his right cheek and they saw what looked like a disappearing split lip.

Remus could hardly see the Sirius he had known; the confident Sirius. This new Sirius was fidgeting and shaking noticeably. James had explained that this was because of the drug withdrawal. He seemed unsure of what to do now he had knocked.

"Shut the door behind you," said James, not unkindly but there was a definite cool edge to his voice.

Sirius did as he was told and stood awkwardly until James motioned for him to sit between Remus and Peter on the bed. _So he can't get away_, he thought.

Sirius sat and pushed himself back so he was leaning against the wall and looked down at his hands, grasped unsteadily in his lap.

"We've got a lot of catching up to do, haven't we Sirius?" said James.

Sirius looked up, catching his eye before returning his gaze to his lap.

There was a short silence before Remus exploded with, "drugs! Why Sirius? Was it to look cool?"

This misunderstanding hurt Sirius and it showed on his face so James caught Remus' eye and minutely shook his head to ward off that approach to the situation.

"You wouldn't understand," muttered Sirius hoarsely, shaking his head, his eyes still focused on his lap.

"Why not? What is it you're not telling us?" asked James.

Sirius didn't answer.

"How about we ask the questions and you answer," suggested Peter. "That seems a good compromise."

James nodded. "Let's do that. You answer our questions the best you can. We have to know Sirius if we're to put this behind us."

Sirius looked up at him and nodded mutely. He realised that they would have to know everything. _Shit_, the thought, panic starting to seep into him. He felt terrible, sick to the core but knew that they would need to know why he had resorted to drugs.

Silence returned as they all tried to think where to begin.

"Ok," started Remus, "why the drugs? Why did you get into them?"

Sirius bit his lip. "A mixture of reasons," he said.

Peter narrowed his eyes. "I'm afraid you're going to have to elaborate on that."

Sirius breathed in shakily, feeling a headache starting up and throbbing dully. "Muggle friends at first… and… and-" he found he couldn't go on.

James sensed this and jumped in with his own question based on something Andie had said. "Why did you run away?"

Sirius bit his lip. "I've told you before about my parents."

"No," said James. "You told us that you don't get on with them, which is slightly different from being at the point of running away. You'll have to explain."

"Look, I'm not a Slytherin, which is all that's needed as far as my family are concerned. That's why you won't understand because you all have unconditional love from your parents. Unconditional love doesn't exist in pure blood families. You have to earn respect, not love but becoming Slytherin, excelling in the Dark Arts and all of that. I was a perfect Slytherin before I was sorted into Gryffindor for some unknown reason and they have hated me ever since, just like they have hated every other family member who have ended up in the 'wrong house'." He ended his explanation bitterly.

"But how has this gone so far?" asked Remus, glad that Sirius seemed to be opening up.

Sirius shrugged. "I tried to stay out of the house as much as possible. There was too much tension and…" he paused, obviously stopping what he had been about to say. "Anyway, I made friends with people who seemed to be in as much shit as me. They took drugs to block out reality. I did the same."

"You know mum told you how we found you in the first place?" asked James. "Well, Andie also mentioned that you would often fight with your dad." He didn't ask a question. He didn't know if there was anything to ask. So they argued? But he wanted to see Sirius' reaction.

It was stranger than expected. His head shot up to stare wide-eyed at James, the little colour there was drained from his cheeks and his hands fidgeted uncontrollably. Peter and Remus turned from staring at James for his odd comment to Sirius. Clearly there was more to what Andie had said.

"Ah…" said Remus carefully. "So there is something you're not telling us."

Sirius could feel the panic rising. He knew the time had come to tell them about his father. "I… he…" he stammered, looking down again. "He was… er… used to…"

"Did he hit you?" Peter asked suddenly.

There was a shocked silence in the room until Sirius nodded and Remus squeezed Sirius' knee reassuringly. It was the first contact they had had for months and showed how desperate the situation was. "Oh Sirius…" he whispered. "Why? For how long?"

Although he felt the panic subside slightly, Sirius still had to gulp back tears to explain. "For years. I've never said anything because it's not something I want people to know. My cousins know, Regulus does obviously, but it's not something I'm proud of." Seeing his friends shocked at comforting expressions made Sirius well up with suppressed emotion. He looked out of the window and tried to blink away the tears which had formed in his grey eyes, breathing unsteadily.

Remus realised with a jolt of understanding that that was the reason Regulus had looked at Sirius oddly when he had bumped into them in Diagon Alley in the summer holidays. Sirius had not explained how he had got the bruise and cut lip but had just agreed with Remus' comment about a fight. It all made sense.

James leaned forward, surprised to see tears in Sirius' eyes as he had never seen him cry before. He felt ashamed that Sirius had kept this from them for so long and that he had had to go through it alone for the past few months. "It's not your fault Sirius."

Sirius shook his head. "It is. You don't understand. I'm the one who always argues back and provokes him. I hate my father so much and I know what the consequences will be. It's like that n pureblood families. The father is the head of the household. Women can't argue with them. Children do what they say and if not, they are punished. That's the way it is. I can't do what he wants because I've grown to be someone different and I will be punished for that for as long as I'm in that family. People like me have been killed by there own relatives not so long ago for not upholding pureblood beliefs."

"That's stupid," said Peter.

"Maybe but it's the way it is. The drugs," Sirius began, "with them I didn't have to see my father's face every time I closed my eyes or relive anything I went through at home. It would all be blocked out and I could feel normal. Stupid me."

"What's the worst it's been?" asked Remus delicately.

Sirius twitched, uncomfortable. His body was aching as the morphine in his blood ran low. He tried to think. "I don't know. Sometimes… sometimes the physical stuff is obviously the worst, but…" a tear slowly etched its way down his cheek, "… sometimes I can just fade out. It's like the pain is so strong my mind sort of blacks out but I'm still conscious… I still know what he's doing. But sometimes it's the words. You can't block those out. Whoever said 'sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me' didn't know what the fuck they were talking about," he said shaking his head, more tears spilling silently down his cheeks.

"Oh Sirius…" said Remus gently, putting his arms round Sirius in a hug and pulling him towards him until Sirius' face rested against his shoulder and chest. Sirius suddenly curled up and sobbed wretchedly into Remus who just rocked him gently. It was as though all the years of hate and pain were seeping out of him.

Peter and James looked at each other, not sure what to do.

"I'm so sorry, Remus," Sirius sobbed. "He knew. Lucius had told him and I couldn't stand it." He was talking about Snape of course. "I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't but he was saying things. I can't remember…" he trailed of.

"It's alright Sirius," Remus said. It was the apology and explanation he had been waiting for. "It's all in the past now."

James smiled, hoping that now everything could go back to normal. Sirius has calmed down but was still shaking although he guessed that was because his morphine shot was long overdue. "I think that's enough catching up for one evening," he said and was relieved to see Sirius smile. "You're getting twitchy," he commented dryly.

"You've only just noticed," he shot back. He seemed to be nearer to feeling happy, better than he had in months.

"Come on," said James, standing up and picking up the abandoned tray of cold hot chocolates. Peter picked up a biscuit and ate it hungrily. "Lets get you sorted out then."

As he was led downstairs, Sirius realised that his life might just have sorted itself out. He prayed that it would.

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That was a bloody long chapter but an important one. We're near the end now I think, but I need to work out how to end this. Thanks to all my reviewers, btw.


	22. Chapter 21

The days leading up to the boys return to Hogwarts passed in a haze, as Remus, Peter and James were still reeling at their dis

The days leading up to the boys return to Hogwarts passed in a haze, as Remus, Peter and James were still reeling at their discoveries about Sirius' home life. Peter and Remus had been invited to stay until they went back to Hogwarts and had accepted happily. Mrs Potter tried her best to add some normality to his life again and once tried to make him help her food shop at the local supermarket until James dryly pointed out that this was hardly normal for Sirius who had never gone shopping for food in his life.

Sirius tried to act normally, but he soon found that during the day he spent his time looking at the clock and trying to make the time until he was to have his next shot of morphine pass quicker. Mrs Potter had been instructed by the hospital to give him a shot every two hours for the first week, then a shot every three hours for the second week, then a shot of a weaker concentration every three hours for the third week etc. She had tried to explain the system to him to keep him involved but just like in any conversation with him his eyes glazed over and he checked the time.

Remus however had enjoyed copying the timetable of injections for the two-month course out onto a large sheet of paper with coloured pens to highlight the different weeks much to the amusement of James and Peter who thought he was stupid.

Mr and Mrs Potter said that as it wasn't illegal, he could still smoke but only if he did it outside and made it clear that they still weren't happy about it. Mr Potter said it was best to tackle one thing at a time. At first they were all shocked at the way Sirius shamelessly begged Mrs Potter to give him a shot early, usually barely five minutes after the first one and the way he would get angry and violent.

One morning four days before they were due back to Hogwarts, Remus, James and Peter were playing Quidditch in the large back garden which had been charmed my Mr Potter so their Muggle neighbours couldn't see the boys when they were in the air. Whilst playing, the sound of smashing glass echoed from the kitchen doors which were open onto the patio. The boys landed and ran in to find a teary Mrs Potter shakily packing up the bottle of morphine and the clean hypodermic syringes in the kit bag they had been given by the hospital. Sirius sat on the floor with his knees drawn up to his chest and his head on his knees and was sobbing bitterly; out of anger rather than out of sadness.

"I hate you," he was saying angrily. "I fucking hate all of you."

Mrs Potter had put the kit in a lockable cupboard, locked it and left the room without speaking.

It wasn't hard for them to work out what must have happened.

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Sirius insisted that he didn't want to go to a Wizarding psychiatrist and they respected his wishes but he did understand that Dumbledore would have to know.

Mr Potter wrote to him as soon as Sirius' morphine program started to explain the situation to Dumbledore and to explain how it was being tackled in a Muggle way because it turned out that St Mungo's didn't actually have a department which dealed in Muggle drugs because it was so rare in Wizards.

He had expected a reply from Dumbledore very soon after he had sent the letter to Hogwarts but by the morning two days later and three days before the boys were due back to Hogwarts, still no reply had arrived.

James commented on this at breakfast that morning while heaping sugar onto his cereal and then passing the sugar bowl to Remus so he could do the same. Sirius was still in bed as they realised that it was better to leave him for as long as possible because he was especially out of control in the morning.

"Hmmm," said Mrs Potter as she flicked through the Daily Prophet and settling at an article reporting a sudden raise in pro-pureblood violence. "I expect he is just deciding what to do, or he might not have received it yet. I'm not even sure if Dumbledore stays at Hogwarts over Christmas.

They finished breakfast in silence and Mrs Potter was clearing away the dishes as there was a knock on the front door. They looked at each other, surprised by a visitor so early in the morning. _Thank goodness I got dressed before breakfast this morning, _thought Mrs Potter as she opened the door.

Albus Dumbledore stood on the doorstep dressed in thick, deep purple robes edges at the cuffs with silver thread. He wore, as usual his half-moon spectacles and a bemused smile on his face. He invited himself in before Mrs Potter could say anything.

"It's very cold out," he murmured, removing his clock and putting it himself on the coat rack, taking note of Sirius' leather Hugo Boss jacket already there. "He's here then?" he asked, turning back to Mrs Potter and noticing James, Remus and Peter watching from the kitchen. He smiled at them and smiled as they immediately pretended not to have been looking and all picked up random newspapers. Peter was staring at his which was upside down.

"Yes," stammered Mrs Potter, surprised as suddenly having such an important Wizard standing, looking at her expectantly, in her hallway. "Umm, do you want a cup of tea?" she asked hesitantly.

"No, I'm fine thank you. But I would like to speak with Sirius in private." He looked up as Sirius came down the stairs. "Speak of the devil…"

Sirius saw Dumbledore and stopped halfway down the stairs.

The headmaster beckoned him down. "I have come to talk to you, Sirius," he said gently once Sirius had walked over. He looked back to Mrs Potter.

"Oh, right!" she said, realising he wanted to be alone with Sirius. She showed them into the sitting room and closed the door behind her after giving Sirius a slightly apologetic look.

Once the door was shut, Dumbledore sat down in a leather armchair beside the fireplace, looking round the room approvingly. He motioned for Sirius to sit in a matching armchair opposite him and didn't speak until the boy was settled. "I received a letter from Mr Potter two days ago Sirius," he began, "explaining your current predicament. It is a large mess you have got yourself into, isn't it Sirius?"

Sirius didn't answer. He wasn't really surprised that the headmaster wanted to speak to him but didn't realised he would make the effort to come all the way to the Potters house. It was taking all of his effort to focus on Dumbledore's words as his body screamed out for some sort of drug. _How long is this going to last… shit, he's seen my hands are shaking… why are my palms sweating… fuck…_

Dumbledore had indeed noticed that Sirius was glancing at the door and clock more than anywhere else, that he was twitching and that his hands were shaking. Sirius had then grasped in his lap and his legs crossed. He was wearing his skinny jeans which had been washed and he had got back but he had borrowed one of James' polo shirts and had somehow found a pair of bright orange socks. James' maybe, wondered Dumbledore. He always noticed these small details, but realised that Sirius had become extremely uncomfortable under his gaze.

"It saddens me that I was unable to see that something so serious was happening to one of my pupils and I did nothing about it."

Sirius had never seen his situation from this angle, and thought of Josh, Matt, Jamie and Tom who had been taking light drugs for years and it had gone unnoticed. He wondered what else Dumbledore was unaware of.

"Are you going to say anything?" he headmaster asked.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "I don't have to yet, do I?" he pointed out.

Dumbledore shrugged. He noticed the usual pale and clammy skin tone common with drug addicts and wondered how he had never noticed any of the symptoms before. "Do you want to discuss any of this with me?" he asked, knowing the answer.

"Not particularly. You probably know everything anyway."

"Are you angry at me for not realising you were at risk?"

Sirius frowned. "No," he said, truly surprised at the headmasters reaction to the situation.

Dumbledore smiled sadly. The twinkle in his eye had dimmed somewhat. "You must understand Sirius, that I do feel great guilt for what you have suffered at home and what it has led you to involve yourself in. When you were first sorted into Gryffindor I promised myself I would watch you carefully seeing as you're family are mainly Slytherin and there was likely to be conflict. There have been no Gryffindors in two generations, am I right?"

Sirius shook his head. "Four," he said shortly. He was surprised at Dumbledores worry for him but his body had broken out into a cold sweat and his legs were starting to shake. He had other things on his mind.

Dumbledore nodded silently, staring at the wall above Sirius head and drumming his fingers together. He looked back to Sirius. "What are you planning to do now? Live here?"

Sirius shrugged. "I haven't thought," he said honestly. "I'll be seventeen this year so then I can get my own place."

Dumbledore nodded again. "And how will you afford this?"

Sirius felt faintly annoyed. _Why do we have to discuss this now?_ He should have had his first morphine shot five minutes before and now, a sharp throbbing headache was pulsing behind his eyes. He wondered briefly whether Dumbledore knew this and was delaying him on purpose to watch him suffer and started to feel angry before the sane part of him, shocked at this last thought, kicked in and he was reminded that there was no way Dumbledore had had time to see Remus' colour-coded injection timetable. He clenched his hands together to stop them shaking uncontrollably and tried to breath calmly. "My uncle died last year and left me some money."

"Ah, yes, I thought you would say that," said Dumbledore. "I believe your uncle left you ten percent of his estate. Is that right?"

Sirius nodded, wondering where this was going.

"So," continued Dumbledore, "this cannot nearly be enough for you to live on until you have finished your education."

This time Sirius forced a smile. "Professor, ten percent of my uncles estate was eight million Galleons."

There was a short silence.

"I see," said Dumbledore. "Then you are extremely fortunate. I trust you would rather the whole topic was abandoned and me not to report your father, that this is simply swept under the carpet and the man goes free?"

The tone of his voice had turned cold and Sirius knew he did not approve of this choice but he still nodded. "I just want to leave it."

Dumbledore shook his head. "Sirius, things like this need some sort of closure. You can't just pretend none of this has happened." He lent forward and looked Sirius firmly in the eye. "If you're worried that your family might react badly if you press charges, then I can give you strong protection."

Sirius felt pleased that the headmaster had taken this into account but still shook his head. "Professor, please…" he muttered, looking at his unsteady hands.

"Fine, fine," said Dumbledore, interrupting and standing up. "I won't pressure you but I still think this matter needs closure or you will just slip back into destructive ways. I wish you luck with this program you are on and will talk to you back at Hogwarts. Goodbye Sirius," he added, before striding from the rooms.

Sirius sat for a few minutes more. He could hear the murmuring of conversation between Mrs Potter and Dumbledore out in the hallway but couldn't make out any words. As he left the sitting room, Mrs Potter was just closing the front door. As she turned back to the hall she saw him and smiled.

In the kitchen, Sirius sat being questioned by James, Peter and Remus who was as unresponsive as usual whilst Mrs Potter carefully measured out a shot of morphine. She pulled up his sleeve and injected it as the boys watched in morbid fascination. They waited for the usual bout of shouting which they were normally assaulted with as Sirius visibly relaxed and calmed down. But the anger didn't come. Instead, Sirius opened the back door and lit a cigarette, taking a drag as he leant against the doorframe and stared out into the garden.

Mrs Potter caught James' eye and shrugged, hoping that this was the start of Sirius' road to recovery.

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That evening found Sirius sitting out on a chair on the patio, his elbows resting on his knees. Winter darkness had fallen; the grass glistened with frost and the light from the kitchen window shone out into the garden. Sirius' skin felt cold and his breathe rose in a mist in front of him but he didn't notice. For what felt like the first time in years, he felt contented. He had just been given his last morphine shot of the evening and could feel the warming buzz in his system. He lit his fifth cigarette of the night just as the door behind him opened and Remus came out.

Sirius only looked round at him when he pulled up a wooden patio chair beside him and sat down. He shivered in the cold and tightly crossed his arms. "You all right?" he asked.

"Yeah," said Sirius, taking a long drag on his cigarette and exhaling slowly. He knew Remus was watching him but wasn't sure what the position was between then now.

"Are you cold?" asked Remus, looking out at the garden.

"Not really."

Remus fidgeted nervously. They were alone, so he knew this was the ideal opportunity to bring up the topic which had been playing on his mind since he had witnessed it. "Sirius," he started slowly." He breathed deeply, worried about how to broach the subject. "Last term, when we weren't talking, I saw something I want to ask about."

Sirius frowned, trying to think about what he might be talking about.

"It was late at night and I realised I had left a book in the library," continued Remus slowly, trying to explain his story in as few awkward words as possible.

If they had been in daylight, Remus would have seen Sirius' blood drain from his face and his features freeze as it suddenly dawned on him what Remus would have seen. _Holy fuck…_

"Anyway…"Remus had got to the difficult bit. "I saw you… and, and Josh in our year…"

"I know what you saw," said Sirius quickly, saving Remus from having to elaborate.

No one spoke in the deafening silence between them.

Finally, Sirius realised that he would have to explain. "I'm not gay," was all he could think of starting with. It was the same explanation he had given to Will but it was the truth. "It's difficult to explain. I… I liked the way I could feel protected which I can't get with a woman. I've never had that feeling of love properly and it's the only way I can find it now."

Remus listened in silence as Sirius continued.

"I never developed a close relationship with either of my parents because I was always looked after by nurses and private teachers. I mean, Remus, my mother had never hugged me! Not once!" He shook his head sadly and flicked his cigarette stub onto the grass. "I know it isn't really an explanation for what I did but I could control it. I could control him." He shrugged.

Remus sat and thought about what he had just heard. It did explain it to him. "Your mother never hugged you?" he asked incredulously.

Sirius was surprised that this had been the part that had surprised Remus. "Well, yeah. Me and Regulus didn't even live in the same house as my parents because my father was ill, so they stayed in the country manor and thought that it would be too stressful for us to be there too. So we stayed in Grimmuald place with various maids, nurses and Perkins, the butler until I was seven and Regulus was five and our fun was ruined. And anyway, it's normal for pureblood parents to have no contact with their children. I don't know one woman in my family who hasn't handed the baby straight over to a wet-nurse."

"That's horrible," said Remus.

"It would have been much worse for us to have been exposed to out parents from birth," pointed out Sirius smiling. "I never realise anyone had seen us," added Sirius.

"Yeah, well, you were lucky that it was me otherwise the whole school would have known in the morning."

"I didn't think of that. Have you told the others," Sirius asked.

Remus shook his head. "It wasn't my place to say."

Sirius was surprised but grateful. "Thanks he said. "You're understanding but I don't think James would be."

Remus laughed at the sudden mental image of James' expression if he had found Sirius kissing a boy. "So, are you together?" he asked carefully.

Sirius looked round, shocked. "Are you joking? Of course we're not! I never really like him to be honest. I was a bit fucked up in the head and didn't rationalise what I was doing."

"Oh, well, I'm glad I've cleared it up," said Remus. He stood up. "Are you coming in. it's freezing out here and I think you're nearly at risk from lung cancer." He looked disapprovingly at the cigarette butts which littered the ground around Sirius.

Sirius grinned and stood up, suddenly aware of how cold he was. As he followed Remus inside he felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders after their talk. He knew he would have to explain to Josh and the others why he couldn't be friends with them anymore but decided he would deal with that when he got there. He sighed when he realised he was fortunate to have friends who were willing for forgive him even though he had been a complete dick for a whole term. And he realised he owed Remus a birthday present.

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I'm quite proud I have updated this quite quickly. Thanks to my reviewers etc. I hope it was long enough as well.


	23. Chapter 22

"Boys

I'm sorry about the huge delay in the updating. I don't have an excuse. Writers block I suppose.

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"Boys!" Shouted Mrs Potter up the stairs. "Hurry up!"

James slouched down the stairs, pulling a jumper over his head and yawning. "Why do we have to be at Diagon Alley so early again? The shops are open all day." He scratched his head, yawning again and began to search for his missing Converse trainer in the coat cupboard.

"It isn't _early_ James," said Mrs Potter, holding out Sirius and Remus' coats as they ambled down the stairs. "It's your fault if you stayed up talking until two in the morning. And Sirius had to get up early anyway for a shot so stop complaining. Where's Peter?"

"Coming," said Remus, pulling on his shoes. "Oh, and Sirius, what are you going to do about all of your stuff if you have officially left home?"

"Oh yeah. I forgot about that," said James, emerging from the cupboard with his missing shoe.

"Leave it there I suppose," said Sirius, sitting on the bottom step of the stairs to put his trainers on.

"Leave what where?" asked Peter, yawning as he slumped down the stairs.

"You're not a morning person, are you?" asked Mrs Potter, eyeing Peters dishevelled hair and dark circles under his eyes.

Peter shrugged apologetically. "What were you talking about?"

"What Sirius is going to do about the stuff he has left at home," said James, zipping up his coat. "And you can't leave everything there. What about your guitar."

"Yeah, that hurts. I could ask Regulus to bring it sometime but I don't really want to talk to him. And all my music…" he added wistfully, remembering the things he would never go back to get.

"And your clothes," added Peter, smiling sarcastically. "How many pairs of jeans have you left behind? Ten? Twenty?"

Sirius made a face back. "I left loads of clothes at Hogwarts anyway so I'm quite lucky really."

"OK," said Mrs Potter. "Enough chit chat. Is everyone ready? Right, hold hands… or wrists. Really James. Don't look so disgusted at the suggestion. Take mine. Hold tight." She turned on the spot and they disappeared, only to reappear in the Leaky Cauldron.

They pushed there way through the crowded pub to the backdoor on to Diagon Alley.

James paused by an abandoned copy of the Daily Prophet. "Wow, this Voldemort guy is really gaining power," he commented, staring at the front page which included a large moving photograph of some sort of rally. "What a weirdo."

"James, you have plenty of reading time later," said his mother, pushing him on. "I want to have the bulk of our shopping finished by the time rush hour hits. You go back to Hogwarts tomorrow so it will be very crowded."

They followed some other Wizards through the magical gateway onto Diagon Alley and made slow progress down the long, winding street to Gringotts.

"Sirius, will this be the first time you will take money from your new bank account?" asked Mrs Potter.

"No," he replied. "How do you think I found money to buy drugs?" he asked, answering her question for her.

"Oh…" said Peter. "I was going to ask that actually."

They continued on in silence, peering into shop windows as they passed. There were a large number of Hogwarts students in Diagon Alley with their shopping lists and they stopped several times to talk to various people.

James whispered to Sirius that he was disappointed that Lily Evans didn't seem to be there.

"What was that James?" asked Sirius loudly.

James blushed, glancing at his mother and punched Sirius painfully on the arm as the climbed the steps to Gringotts.

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Mrs Potter left the boys to their shopping as she joined some friends in a coffee shop near Gringotts.

Peter and James needed new robes, so they went to buy those first, purposely leaving the heavy book shopping until the end. They pushed their way through the crowds of last minute Hogwarts shoppers towards Madame Malkin's Robes for all Occasions. A bell tinkled as the entered the shop, which already had one first year being fitted by an assistant whilst Madame Malkin herself wrapped up another families purchases at the till. Many people milled around, inspecting the selection of robes on offer, and Peter and James moved off towards the Hogwarts robes section.

Not wanting to crowd up the shop any more than was necessary, Remus and Sirius shuffled to the corner and sat down on a random chair which they shared. Sirius reached into a bag and pulled out a bad of sweets for him and Remus to share whilst they waited.

"So," said Remus, taking a sweet from the bag Sirius was holding out to him. "What happened with that pregnant girlfriend situation? Julia, was it?" he said it carefully, trying to make it sound like a throwaway question but actually, he had been nominated that morning by the others to ask. They had forgotten about it with everything else going on until Peter had suddenly remembered it.

Sirius stiffened. "Oh… yeah, I forgot I told you," he muttered. "She got rid of it," he said shortly.

Remus was shocked and didn't know how to react. "I'm sorry Sirius," he said quietly, patting him gently on the knee.

"It doesn't matter anyway," Sirius said, sighing, but when Remus looked at him, he could tell he was upset about it. "It was probably for the best anyway."

They sat in silence whilst Remus tried desperately to think of something to say. He needed Peter for that type of thing. "I suppose it would have been hard," he said lamely, taking another sweet.

"But she didn't even ask me!" Sirius cried suddenly, turning to face Remus. He looked bitterly angry. "She just did it. She didn't ask me how I felt, did she?" his anger deflated and he slumped back against the wall.

"But it's harder for the girl, isn't it mate? She would be the one who would have the baby and ultimately would have to look after it. You'd be at school so she'd be on her own too," pointed out Remus. "You have to try to understand it from her point of view."

Sirius didn't say anything, but bit his lip and watched James holding up a set of robes against Peter to check the size. _Shit. I was mean to her, _he thought feeling a surge of guilt. "I need to talk to her before I go back to Hogwarts. We have time today, right?"

"Yeah…" said Remus slowly, thinking it wasn't a good idea for Sirius to be visiting his junkie friends whilst trying to give up drugs. "We'll come too though, ok?"

Sirius nodded and took another sweet.

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Fifteen minutes later they left Madame Malkin's in order to move on to Quality Quidditch Supplies which James claimed he 'had' to go to, whether he needed anything or not.

They made slow progress down the street whilst Sirius outlined his plan to go and see Julia. James and Peter understood why he wanted to go but they also agreed with Remus, who thought it was too risky for Sirius to go on his own.

"No offence mate," added James, "but you need a bit more time, yeah?"

"I know," said Sirius irritably. "I'm not going to pounce on you or anything just because you suggest something. I'm not a fucking mental case."

James smiled apologetically.

"And anyway, I'm feeling better than I have in ages. I don't think I'll…" he trailed off suddenly, staring into the crowds of shoppers.

"You'll what?" asked Peter, following Sirius' gaze to find the reason for his sudden silence.

Sirius had stopped at the sight of Regulus, who had also stopped a couple of metres away after spotting Sirius. There was a moment of awkward silence as they looked at each other and the others milled about, not sure what to do.

Suddenly, Regulus moved forward and gripped Sirius in a tight hug, shocking all of them. Regulus looked like he wasn't going to let go so Sirius had to push him off gently. He was shocked to see tears in Regulus' eyes. He was expecting a different reaction. Anger… or silence. But not this.

"What are you doing?" asked Sirius, stunned, still peering at Regulus as though barely believing it was his own brother.

Regulus wiped his eyes with the back of his hand before the tears fell. "We didn't know where you were. I thought you could be dead. You don't know what it was like!"

Sirius stuffed his cold hands deep into his coat pocket and looked as Regulus. He hadn't thought about how Regulus would react. "I didn't think anyone would care," he said quietly, half wishing Peter, James and Remus would leave them. They looked as though they wanted to be anywhere but watching the conversation. "I didn't think," he admitted after a pause.

"No one would care?" Asked Regulus incredulously, suddenly getting angry. "You didn't think anyone would care? I cared, you idiot!"

Sirius looked down, not sure what to say.

"You just left. We didn't know where you went since I thought you weren't friends with them anymore." He nodded his head at Peter, James and Remus. "I've never been so scared in my life!" he cried. "It was worse than when he would kick the shit out of you because I didn't know where you were." By 'he', Regulus was referring to their Father.

James glanced at Remus and caught his eye and they both knew they were both shocked by Regulus talking to graphically about Sirius' relationship with his father.

"Sirius, for all I knew, you were dead!" Regulus stopped and looked sadly at his brother. The anger seemed to drain from him. "It has been terrible at home," he said quietly.

Sirius looked up in shock. "Why? It should be better!"

Regulus shook his head sadly. "Mother is distraught. She acts like she's glad that you're gone to the relatives who visited over Christmas but I've heard her crying. It's horrible."

This shocked Sirius more than the hug had. "But she hates me," he said childishly.

"No, Father hated you and Mother was scared of Father," he said, shaking his head. "True, she blasted you off the tapestry, but I know that she's distraught inside. Father has gone on as usual."

Sirius looked at James, who looked as surprised as he felt after the conversation they had had with him about why he had run away. "I don't know what to say," said Sirius. "I'm not coming back though."

Regulus smiled sadly. "I know that. I'm just happy you're safe." He glanced at his watch. "Look, I have to go. At least you escaped the formal Sunday lunches," he said, smiling although his eyes were over-bright again.

Sirius smiled, realizing that Regulus was now alone and abandoned. "I'm sorry for leaving you but I don't thing I could have gone on for much longer like that."

"I know," said Regulus softly. He smiled at Sirius, a smile full of regret and sadness. "I'll see you at school," he said, before moving off into the crowd again and disappearing.

"Blimey," said Peter.

"I know," said Sirius. "She doesn't hate me. I suppose it's too little too late." He looked terribly sad all of a sudden.

"Awww, cheer up mate," said James and gave Sirius a quick one-armed hug. "You're better off with us anyway."

"Yeah," said Peter as they moved off towards Quality Quidditch Supplies. "Anyway, if we get this shopping done quickly, we can go see those friends of yours."

Remus lifted one eyebrow. "You just hate shopping."

"Yeah I know. Any excuse to get it done," said Peter, shrugging.

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They had left Diagon Alley by twelve noon after giving their shopping to Mrs Potter who agreed to take it home. She allowed them to go, as long as Sirius wasn't left on his own. However, they made a quick trip to the toilets in the Leaky Couldron where Mrs Potter gave Sirius a quick shot of morphine as they had gone over his due shot by half an hour. Sirius was pleasantly surprised that he had barely noticed. In a few short days, his dependency had dropped dramatically.

They took the bus to the area of Julia's hostel house and walked the rest of the way. Sirius explained where they were going.

"So, what are you going to do?" asked James, pulling his coat tighter round him, still shivering in the cold January air.

"Apologize to her I think," said Sirius, leading the way across the road ad up the stairs to the front door of the house he had visited her in months before. It seemed a lifetime ago to Sirius as he rung the doorbell. Peter, James and Remus stared down the dilapidated street edgily.

"How did you of all people end up in a place as mank as this?" asked James.

"How do you think?" replied Sirius, loosing patience and ringing the doorbell again.

A blurred shadow appeared behind the glass and grew larger until the door opened. A skinny girl in her late-teens stood there staring at them suspiciously. "What do you want?" she asked roughly.

"Err," started Sirius. "I was wondering if Julia was here?"

The girl stared at him, her eyes narrowed slightly. "Julia who?"

Sirius realised he had no idea what her surname was. He looked baffled and shrugged. "I don't know," he said slowly, trying to ignore James' cry of, "You have got to be kidding," coming from behind him.

"Well no Julia lived here," the girl said rudely and as Sirius tried to speak again, she slammed the door in his face.

"Oh," he said. "I wasn't expecting that." He turned to go back down the steps.

"Yeah, and neither were we," said James, laughing slightly. "You mean, you got this girl pregnant but you didn't bother to ask her name?"

Sirius smiled at the irony too. "it never really came up. We didn't talk that much, if you get my drift."

They all snorted with laughter as they approached the bus stop again.

"So where are we off to now?" asked James.

"I need to say goodbye to someone," said Sirius, thinking of Will. "A friend."

"What friend is this?" asked Remus suspiciously. "A junkie friend."

"Yes, although I don't usually refer to him like that," said Sirius, annoyed at Remus' stereotyping.

"Is he the one who got you into drugs?" asked Remus, ignoring Sirius' tone.

"Yes, if you must know. Actually, no. I smoked cannabis years ago." He had said it on purpose to shock them. Feeling irritated, he stepped forward as the bus approached.

"What!" Remus cried, giving the desired effect.

"Yeah," said Sirius as though bored of the topic. "Oh, don't act so shocked," he snapped. "Have you got you're bus tickets still?" he asked, cutting across whatever James was about to say.

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The bus journey to the East End of London passed without incident and they got off in the run down area where the door to Will's flat was.

"Hey, I've been here!" said James. "This is where that guy was who gave us the address to the club you were in."

"Well done," said Sirius sarcastically. "Come on." He led the way over to the peeling blue door, covered in graffiti. He rang the doorbell and waited, suddenly nervous.

He heard footsteps thundering down the stairs. It opened and Will stood there, wearing only a pair of skinny jeans. He didn't say anything when he saw Sirius.

James recognised him immediately and took the time to look closer while he was staring at Sirius. He also saw that this Will man also had scars and track marks on his arms.

Sirius didn't know what to say. He could feel his heart thudding in his chest at being so close to Will again. "Hi," was all he could say.

"I heard you had OD'd," said Will gruffly. He looked at Peter, James and Remus for the first time, shamelessly looking them up and down. Sirius knew he would be wondering what Sirius was doing with people who appeared so different to him.

"These are school friends," Sirius said shortly.

Will nodded, but didn't say anything. "Do you want to come in," he asked.

Sirius nodded. He turned to the others and added, "Can you wait here. I'll only be five minutes. Promise."

Remus looked at the others. "You won't do anything stupid? We're trusting you Sirius."

Sirius nodded and followed Will into the tiny hallway at the bottom of the stairs leading up to his flat. Wills shut the door. "So," he said.

"I've come to say goodbye. Forever, I think," said Sirius. Now it came to saying goodbye, he found it harder than he had thought.

Will nodded slowly. "Why?" Because of them?" he asked, meaning Peter, Remus and James outside.

Sirius looked down at Will's bare feet. "I did nearly OD Will. I nearly died. If it hadn't been for them I would have. It brings back reality, you know. I can't go on like this."

"So you're off drugs?"

"Yeah. And it feels good. I need to do it now or…" Sirius left the sentence hanging and shrugged. "I can't hang around with you or I know I won't get better. I'm sorry."

Will shrugged. "I have other friends," he said but Sirius knew that he was as upset at Sirius inside.

Someone, probably James, coughed loudly from outside.

"They're waiting for you," said Will quietly.

"Yeah," whispered Sirius, not sure how to leave things.

As it turned out, Will did and leant it for a sudden sweet kiss, which caught Sirius by surprise. He gripped the back of Will's neck and kissed him back, knowing it would be the last time. They broke apart and Wills smiled sadly, not saying anything else before opening the front door again. Freezing winter air streamed in as Sirius left Will in the tiny hallway.

The others looked relieved that he had come out quickly.

Sirius turned quickly and caught one final glimpse of Will before the door was closed carefully. Smiling slightly, Sirius strode off down the street towards the bus stop, his hands in his pockets with the others trailing along behind, trying to ask what had happened.

Sirius just smiled and kept walking.

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An update at last. Sorry about the wait but it's quite a long one so who can complain.


	24. Chapter 23 Fin

Mr and Mrs potter lead the four boys through the masses of Muggles hurrying to their trains in King's Cross Station

Mr and Mrs Potter led the four boys through the masses of Muggles hurrying to their trains in King's Cross Station. As they made their way to Platform Nine and Three Quarters they received the usual curious glances from the Muggles, puzzled at the presence of large trunks and owls.

As the secret gateway to Platform Nine and Three Quarters approached, Sirius felt a dull tingle of nerves beginning to spread from his stomach. He didn't know what was waiting for him the other side. His parents? That was unlikely, as even Peter had pointed out that he had never seen Sirius' parents wave him off from the platform before. Usually Kreacher simply escorted him and Regulus there. But as he paired up with Remus who flashed him a reassuring smile, and started to jog with him towards the barrier he felt sick with nerves.

They disappeared from the Muggle world and broke through to Platform Nine and Three Quarters slightly out of breath.

"Hurry up now boys, you don't want to get run over," said the kindly guard who made sure the entrance was kept clear.

Remus led Sirius away and over to his parents who were waiting nearby. They greeted Sirius just as warmly as they greeted their own son, making Sirius feel awkward as he felt Mrs Lupin's gaze rest critically on him. But she broke into a motherly smile when he caught her eye. No one mentioned anything which had gone on over the holidays but they hardly had time before the others announced their arrival by Peter accidentally ramming his trolley into James' ankles, causing him to shout out in pain.

"I see those two haven't changed," said Mr Lupin, grinning as James, who was hobbling over to them and glaring at a bashful Peter. "Hello boys!"

Peter left them to greet his own parents as Mr and Mrs Potter appeared through the barrier and joined them.

"You'd better grab Peter and go and get a carriage, or you won't get one to yourself," said Mr Potter, remembering the rush there was to get the best carriages. "We'll find you in a minute."

James called Peter whose parents hurried over to the others. As the boys began dragging their trunks over to the waiting train, Sirius glanced back at the group of adults and knew they were discussing him.

James seemed to read his mind as he glanced back to see what Sirius was looking at. "You can hardly expect them not to talk about it, can you mate?" he said.

Sirius shrugged but the nerves gnawing in his stomach didn't ease. He glanced hurriedly through the throngs of parents and children, searching for the vicious face of his father. He didn't see it. But he felt eyes on him, as though everyone knew what he had gone through and were talking about him. _It's all in your head. How could anyone know? _He focused on his trunk and followed James to an empty carriage. They heaved their trunks into the luggage rack and sat down, exhausted by dragging their heavy trunks for so long. Sirius sat in the corner so he couldn't be seen easily from the platform. He looked at Remus' watch. It was five minutes to eleven.

"Well, here comes another term, with the OWLs," Peter groaned.

"Oh, I don't think they'll be too bad," said James absentmindedly, standing in the doorway and trying to attract the attention of his parents. "Oh, they're coming over now… and there's Lily Evans!"

This was the cue for them all to groan in boredom and Sirius smiled distractedly as Peter and Remus exaggeratedly groaned, holding their heads and flopping about in their seats.

James glared at them, half joking, and turned to say good-bye to his parents.

"Not in the mood to annoy Prongs today?" asked Remus.

"Not really."

"They won't be here you know," said Peter, clearly talking about Sirius' parents.

"I know," muttered Sirius, shrugging and fidgeting even so.

Mrs Potter called Sirius over to her on the platform so he reluctantly left the safety of the carriage. She drew him into a warm, motherly hug and kissed the top of his head.

Sirius squirmed uncomfortably, as having never been hugged by his own mother he found it awkward.

Mrs Potter smiled at him kindly. "You have the letter for Madame Pomfrey?" she asked.

Sirius nodded as the whistle blew and Hogwarts students hurried to find their carriage.

"I don't think you'll need it as Dumbledore had surely spoken to her."

Sirius nodded again. He felt he needed to say something, to thank the Potters for how they had helped him and basically saved him. "Mrs Potter…" he began, but realised he didn't know how to express how much he owed them in a few quick words before the train left.

"I know Sirius," said Mrs Potter.

Sirius smiled as the understanding flashed between them and he turned and climbed back into the carriage, one of the last to leave the platform.

"Stay safe!" Mrs Potter called to the boys, aiming this more to Sirius than to the others.

The train hissed into life and pulled out of the station, leaving the waving parents far behind on the frosty platform.

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As night began to fall, rain also hammered down on the train as they travelled north.

Even though the train was heated, Sirius pulled out his Billabong jumper from his trunk and put it on. He found he always felt cold now.

They played cards, exploding snap and planned pranks for the New Year to pass the time. Remus soon bored of their excited chat about fireworks in toilets and other such childish ideas and pulled out a book.

Sirius relaxed as they moved further and further from London. Even the thought of his cousins didn't worry him too much because he had his friends to help him now.

"Hey, Sirius," said Remus, looking up from his book. "You know you hung around with Josh and that lot last term?"

James snorted. He didn't like that group at all and never understood why Sirius had talked to them _before_ the 'incident', as it was now referred as.

Sirius ignored James. "Yeah, I'll have to say something to them, won't I?" he said, guessing what Remus was going to say.

Remus nodded reluctantly. "It does look like you've used them."

Sirius shrugged. "They won't mind. I don't think they look to deeply into things. I think they knew I would go back to you at some point anyway."

"What did you tell them in the first place? About why you weren't friends with us," added Remus to make himself clearer.

"Oh, they presumed it was over drugs and I didn't disagree. It was a good excuse."

Remus nodded and went back to his book.

They sat in comfortable silence for a few more minutes until James ruined Sirius' peace by saying, "wow, I've suddenly realised, your cousins are going to kill you for running away because they're so…"

Remus and Peter both stopped what they were doing and stared at James, horrified that he could be so stupid to say something like that.

"But they won't…" James trailed off lamely, realising he was just digging himself a hole.

"There are no words James," said Remus, " there are just no words."

James grimaced in embarrassment and looked at Sirius to see if he had caused any damage.

_Shit, I forgot about them._ Sirius realised he had sort of forgotten about how his cousins would have reacted, because he was so worried about seeing his father. Of course they would be angry too because of the shame he hade cause the pureblood family. _Lucius wouldn't need an excuse to beat the shit out of me,_ he thought, the nerves back in his stomach.

"You'll be fine," said Peter standing up on his seat to pull his robes and uniform out of his trunk. "We'll hardly abandon you to be butchered."

Sirius smiled and reached up for his robes too. They were nearly back at Hogwarts.

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Sirius managed to avoid seeing anyone in his family except Andie who had clearly been looking out for him as they got off the train and made there way to the horseless carriages.

"Sirius!" she whispered, trying not to draw attention to them as she engulfed him in a huge hug. "How are you?"

They barely had time for a stilted conversation before she had to leave to join her friends and they grabbed themselves their own carriage.

The great hall was buzzing with excited conversations as friends caught up after the holidays. Sirius noticed with some anxiety that most of the Black and Malfoy branch of the pureblood family had sat together and were deep in discussion. He could guess what it was about.

"They could be talking about anything," said Remus after Sirius pointed them out on the Slytherin table just as the main course appeared magically on the table.

However, Remus' argument was ruined as a few of the Slytherin group glanced over to the Gryffindore table and stared angrily at Sirius when they spotted him.

"Hmmm, really?" asked James sarcastically, whilst spooning huge mounds of mash potato onto each of their plates.

"Oh shut up James. It's not as though you've been a huge help today, is it?" said Remus, clearly talking about James stupid comment n the train.

Sirius blanked out their conversation and miserably ate his dinner.

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As the final course disappeared from their plates, Dumbledore stood up and dismissed them. However, as they joined the throngs of students leaving the Great Hall for the dormitories, a small second year student hurried up to Sirius.

"Dumbledore wants to see you in his office as soon as possible," he muttered quickly, clearly in awe of James and Sirius. As soon as Sirius nodded he cast one fearful glance up at him and slipped back into the groups of students.

"Are you glad that you now actually scare younger students?" asked Remus.

James laughed, not catching the serious tone in Remus' voice. "You'd better go on the way up. We can go past that way," he added to Sirius.

"Yeah," he said, half thinking about what Dumbledore was going to say to him but also looking out for the Slytherins. "It'll probably be like the stuff he said last time."

They went the long way to Gryffindore Tower so they could drop Sirius off outside Dumbledore's office.

As they approached, the stone gargoyles sprung into life. "We can admit him," the left one grunted, pointing to Sirius, "but the rest of you-! He jerked his head, indicating down the corridor.

"Right," said James. "See you later Sirius. And by the way," he added, turning back, " the password is Basilisk. I heard a prefect telling someone in the hall."

Sirius nodded grimly and stepped onto the swivelling staircase. Once he was at the top, he knocked and waited.

Dumbledore's familiar voice called out for him to enter. But when he pushed open the heavy oak door, he was greeted by the grim faces of Madame Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall which contrasted heavily with Dumbledore who smiled warmly at Sirius as he entered. Sirius was pleased to see the twinkle now present in his eyes, which certainly hadn't been before.

"Take a seat, Sirius," said Dumbledore, gesturing to the empty armchair opposite his desk, and between McGonagall's and Madame Pomfrey's.

Sirius sat on the edge of the seat and folded his hands carefully in his lap, uncomfortably with so many eyes focused on him.

"I can see you're feeling better," said Dumbledore. "You certainly look better."

Sirius nodded, unsure of how to reply.

"I have explained the current situation as I understand it to Professor McGonagall and Madame Pomfrey. I received a letter from Mrs Potter a few days ago so I just need to check a few details." He looked closely at Sirius. "You should now be completely off any morphine supplements, is that right?"

Sirius nodded. This was the second day without anything at all and he felt great. He had woken up that morning and had thought of breakfast which hadn't happened for months. He usually thought of heroine first.

"And you're mentally sound?"

Sirius nodded, although he thought it was a stupid question because if he wasn't he was hardly going to admit it.

Madame Pomfrey seemed to sense this and added quickly, "but if you ever have any problems you are to come and talk to me straight away. I'm here for more things than just distributing Pepper Up Potion!"

Sirius sensed a hysterical note to her voice and nodded quickly. He was astounded at how personally she seemed to be reacting to this and he suddenly realised that she probably saw it as a failing as a healer not to have noticed the symptoms.

"That's right," said Dumbledore. "And Minerva and myself will be here if you have any problems."

Sirius nodded again, still not sure what to say. However, he knew that if he ever had any problems again he would go straight to his friends. There were too many things Dumbledore didn't know; even though Sirius had a suspicion he may have guessed that Sirius had a bad relationship with his father.

"Well, as long as that's clear," said Dumbledore. "Now, I don't want to keep you from your sleep much longer than I have to so I'll let you go now Sirius. But please," he stressed the word, "Please don't do this again or I'll have to let you go. I don't think you realise how close you were to being expelled, after the incident last term and now this. We want a clean plate from now on."

Sirius nodded again. "Thanks," he muttered, not knowing what else to say at that moment. He received a tearful smile from McGonagall, which probably shocked Sirius more that anything else that had gone on in that office. _I could have sworn she hated me, _he thought as he made his way back down the stairs to the corridor.

He only made it to the end of the corridor before a movement in the enclave beside a suit of armour caught Sirius' attention. It was Lucius. Sirius knew with a sinking feeling what was waiting for him, or at least he thought he did. As Lucius stepped forward, Sirius noticed that he wasn't carrying his want and that he appeared to be alone. _Surely if he wants to beat the shit out of me he won't do it alone. We'll be too evenly matched. _

" I presumed you wouldn't know," said Lucius shortly.

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "What?" he was thoroughly shocked. _No fight? No speech about shame on the family?_

"Uncle Alphard died a week ago. We've already held the funeral."

Whatever Sirius had been expecting, this wasn't it. He hadn't seen Uncle Alphard for years but had been very close to him in childhood. He was his father's least favourite brother due to his playful manner, but Sirius had loved him. But three years previously he had moved to America due to illness and to live out his last few years in the sunshine. "Oh," he said quietly. "I… I wasn't expecting that."

"You were expecting a fight. "It wasn't a question, just a fact.

Sirius nodded, deciding to be truthful.

"Oh that will happen too," said Lucius, a small smirk playing across his lips. "You're hardly in anyone's good books right now."

Sirius allowed Lucius a small smile too. "Why are you telling me this now?" he asked.

"You were left money," said Lucius and Sirius caught a strong note of envy in his voice. "You were the only one who was left money personally. The rest was simply relocated to the family bank."

Sirius was speechless. "How… how much money?"

"In the region of nine million Galleons."

The sentence hung in the air. Sirius was used to money and a luxurious way of life and he knew that compared to the Black family wealth, this was only a tiny amount but it was his. Something which no one could touch except him. "Holy fuck," he swore.

"I thought you'd like to know," Lucius said shrugging.

Sirius opening his mouth to speak but was cut off by a screech from the other end of the corridor.

"Students! Out of bed!" It was Filch. "It's half past ten. I'll be reporting you two in the morning," he said, leering at them both and pointing a dirty finger at them. "Now be off with yer!"

Sirius ran up the stairs, hearing Lucius running the other way down to the dungeons. He reached the portrait of the Fat Lady and muttered "Basilisk". She swung open and he clambered into the familiarly comforting Gryffindore common room. It was unusually busy for this time at night but the first day back was always like that. He spotted James, Peter and Remus in armchairs by the window. It was snowing heavily now. They waved at him as he approached.

"What did he say?" asked Peter.

Sirius quickly filled then in on Dumbledore's message, eager to get to Lucius' news.

"So you were nearly expelled?" asked James, raising his eyebrows. "Poo bums. That means you can't get into _really_ serious _trouble ever_ again!" he folded his arms grumpily and looked across the common room for Lily Evans.

"Ok," said Sirius slowly. "I'm glad you see it that way."

James grinned at him. "I really think I can get Lily to go out with me this year," he began but Sirius butted in.

"Hello!" he said loudly, waving his hands about to get their attention and unfortunately receiving some unwanted alarmed stares from surrounding people. He dropped his voice. "I have some news."

"Ohh, what?" said Peter.

James stared at him. "Never say 'ohh' in that girly voice again as long as you live, Peter Pettigrew.

"Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Alphard?" asked Sirius. "Never mind. Anyway, he was basically the only one in my family I actually liked and Lucius waited for my to come out of Dumbledore's office to tell me that he had left me some money!"

"Wow!" said James. "I mean, that's bad about you're Uncle…" he trailed off sheepishly, scared of digging himself another hole. Clearing his throat he asked, "how much money?"

"About nine million Galleons."

The sentence hung in the air. No one could speak.

"Nine million…" Peter whispered.

"Well done mate, " said James, clapping Sirius on the back. "That's you sorted for life!"

"You could never ever work in your life!" said Remus, dumbstruck.

"Yeah, but I will though."

"Hmmm, and we now expect brilliant Christmas and birthday presents," added James, grinning.

Sirius laughed. "Thanks for everything… you know…" he said, needing to explain to the others how much he had needed their help.

They smiled, understanding what he meant.

"Aw, don't get soppy on us now Sirius," said Peter. "God knows what would happen then. Sirius getting sentimental… Remus getting thick… James getting Lily…"

They laughed as James thumped him on the knee. "That will happen! You wait. This year it will definitely happen. It's a new start for our relationship!"

Sirius snorted with mirth, but really, he knew it was going to be a new start for more than one of them.

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Fin

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Hey guys!! If you're reading this now then thanks for getting to the end and persevering with this. It's taken a while but I know this is the end but I might do a sequel set after Hogwarts. We'll see. Thanks to all my reviewers as well, especially MilyMB who had to hurry me up on more then one occasion! Thank you!

xxx


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